“ if you don’t stop drinking this relationship is over” even tho we were drinking the same amount. I quit he didn’t. Any advice? Be nice please.
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I believe that a person who gives their signifcant other an ultimatum has already decided that they want out of the relationship, and by doing so, it absolves them from the responsibility and or guilt of breaking up.
Is it bad to do that? I don’t think it is all the time, I think it’s a bit of a hardline boundary one can place. I certainly wouldn’t want my spouse doing something harmful, and if they contunued without regard to me or our marriage, I’d likely break up.
I will say, everyone I know who gave their spouse an ultimatum ended up getting divorced, eventually.
I think most addicts will choose their DOC over their relationship, because that’s what the strength of addiction does to them. Addiction isn’t rational or logical… people will only be willing to change when they are ready.
The ultimatum in this case is more about self preservation and less about saving the other individual or relationship.
Again, these are my opinions based of my experiences.
Be well.
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Welcome Emma,
I see you have 2 years sober. Congratulation on your sober time 
We only have our own recovery, that’s all we can control. I’m really sorry your spouse is still drinking and it causes problems. There’s a wonderful thread on loved ones in addiction, also open to any kind of troubles with loved persons Are you affected by a loved one who’s an addict? Please feel free to joun if you like. You are not alone. When you read around you’ll find people dealing with similar problem and how they cope.
What I can share from my own experience:
- Focus on yourself. If you focus on someone else’s drinking you don’t work on your own recovery. Thanks to @Dazercat for this most valuable insight, it helped me a lot.
- Healthy boundaries
- Stop enabling and learn about enabling. I’m still surprised what I learn about letting people experience the consequences of their behaviour (or non-behaviour) not only concerning addiction.
- Learn about codependency and have an honest look on yourself and your patterns.
- Live a good life and seek therapy and groups like here, al anon etc.
- A relationship changes massively when you get sober. How to proceed as a couple is a long and difficult process. Some couples seperate, including me. I was so sick of my ex drunken behaviour that I left only to find out it was not the booze that caused it. He turned into a selfish, loveless asshole over the years.
- Be kind to yourself and communicate honestly when he is clearheaded.
Sending you kindness and strength 
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Thank you so much for the great advice
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I have to respectfully disagree with HoofHearted.
I gave my spouse an ultimatum and I was in a long-term loving relationship. I wasn’t looking for an out. I honestly wanted to stay with him but his drinking took a turn for the worse. He became verbally abusive and his health severely declined. I couldn’t stand by and allow him to kill himself and our family.
We drank and drugged together for years and had a lot of fun until we didn’t. I got sober and he quit drugs but not the drinking. I continued on my sober journey living in the same home for a year and then gave the ultimatum. He agreed and tried getting sober but had a few setbacks. I stayed because I saw the effort he was putting in. His sobriety finally stuck almost 2 years later.
He’s now in his 3rd year of sobriety and I’m in my 5th with the help of AA. Our relationship is better than ever. Now, we have an agreement that if either of us pick up, the other will start divorce precedings.
Ultimatums work for some but not others. I’m happy it did in my case. Only you know your relationship and what’s needed. Wishing you the best and feel free to reach out anytime.
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My permanent sobriety began the day I was last arrested. The next morning, at arraignment, the judge released me on conditions and with a bond. My wife came with our youngest who was not yet 3 years old at the time to pay my bond and bail me out. She told me that was the last time she was doing this. And she spoke in a calm clear voice, her words crystal clear and measured. Scared the crap out of me. She had not sounded like that before, and has not spoken to me in that voice since that day. I never want to hear that voice again.
Her ultimatum was part of my motivation and gave me the strength to work through the first weeks and months.
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Thank you. It really broke my heart when he said that and I think about it a lot but I took it as he doesn’t have enough love for me. But I get where you are coming from it doesn’t work for everyone you are right.
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Thank you 
and I’m glad we are still sober
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My wife never said “quit drinking or we’re done”. I could see it in her eyes. So sad were those eyes. I quit. I’m sober and we’re happily together.
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I chalk it up to survivorship bias, I never hear of the successful ultimatum situations, so only the failed ones stand out.
Results may vary, as they say.
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My partner gave me the “something has to change” ultimatum. So I became sober and our marriage has never been better.
That being said, your situation is much different because my partner did not have the same drinking problem that I did/do (I’m sober but I firmly believe that you’re still an alcoholic even when sober).
I think it’s very fair for a person without an addiction to give their partner an ultimatum. I also think it’s fair for a person with an addiction to give their partner an ultimatum, if they also quit. I do not personally think it’s fair to say “you have to stop or I’m gone” and then that person continues in their own addiction while forcing or attempting to force the other to stop.
You asked for advice so I would say it would be fair for you to give him the same ultimatum. Just my two cents.
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