Hello all. My husband and I both got this app because he’s struggling with recovering. We synced the apps to allow me to track how he’s doing, and really the reason I wanted it was because now it feels like I’m in recovery as well. I’m just posting to ask if it’s okay for me, as the damaged spouse and not the addict, to be here? I guess in a way I AM an addict, I’m addicted to my husband. I can’t and don’t want to let go.
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@Dazercat can help you with the part about being married to a spouse who has issues with substances.
While I am assuming that (I could be wrong) that you have suffered as the result of your husband’s drinking I would encourage you to read around and see that all people with substances are people first and foremost
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Has he not tried going to Meetings there is meetings for sober partners were you can meet people who are in the same situation as you Al- Anon
wish you well
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It’s not booze, that’s my thing. I’ve been recovering from alcohol for nearly our entire relationship, he’s helped with that. His poison is sex. It keeps morphing, evolving and changing which makes me feel like a warden, probation officer or mother to my own husband. I found out about the most recent incident when he lost his career because he voiced his interest in a coworker and they let him go. And we had been healing for a long time before this, things were improving, he was doing so well. Then a dream made him scared and instead of coming to me he ran away from the last 15 years and his family for a slim chance for a single night with someone who means nothing. Yeah, that shit tears our world apart. I’m not willing to give up on him, I’m not giving up the last 15 years, he is. I understand that he’s a person with a disease, I suffer from the same disease different drug. That does not negate the validity of my feelings and hurt. As a person I reserve the right to hurt and anger in the face of betrayal.
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I’m working on trying to get him to go to a local SAA meeting tomorrow night. Every time I bring it up he avoids it or makes an excuse why he hasn’t even thought about it. I’m trying to be patient with him. Though I feel like shaking him like a ragdoll sometimes. I’m part of a support group on social media. It’s been helping. Doing anything local for me is difficult because I’m disabled and rarely drive. I live in the country. See my reply to Englishd for more details on the situation. It’s really all so much right now. He’s willingly going to my therapy appointment (I’ve been in therapy for years for PTSD, anxiety and depression from my past issues, before him) today and we have couples therapy (I think 3rd appointment) next week.
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Ahhh my apologies.
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Welcome BrokenG.
I saw @Englishd tagged me on your thread. I was thinking about what to tell ya. I got through my readings today and this one hit the spot.
One Day At A Time In Al-Anon
Al-Anon has saved my marriage, and more importantly my sanity.
Alanon.org.
We got a good thread or 2
After all my time in Al-Anon I am finding out I’m the problem. (My codependency,) And if I’m not the problem. Then there’s no solution.
Have a good read around. I hope you can find the experience strength and hope you’re looking for.
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Hey there, @BrokenGoddess . Just want to welcome you here. Yes, you have a place here, the thread @Dazercat gave you has been helpful to me. Hope you find it helpful as well. 
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I’m sorry to hear about what you’re going through. I know it’s hard. I have a sex addiction myself and struggle(d) in the same way your husband is struggling.
This is what I think:
- He’s avoiding meetings. That’s addict behaviour: it is behaviour that lets him avoid accountability. He would benefit from a meeting of SA, SAA, or SLAA. He might also benefit from a meeting in another tradition - there’s a list here: Resources for our recovery - but he needs to find a circle of people who understand, and with whom he can develop true accountability. Therapy is a useful tool but it is not an accountability tool in the same way that meetings are.
- Accountability - true accountability - has to be something he wants. Until he wants it, all the meetings and all the therapy in the world will do nothing.
- You’re correct to suspect that you policing or supervising him is not helping. I do not share the content of my meetings with my wife. She is aware that I go to meetings and what they are for, and she is aware I have a sponsor, but that is as far as it goes. My wife is my wife, not my recovery accountability person(s). Recovery accountability is a type of relationship that requires detachment (on the part of the accountability person(s)) that does not exist in a marriage or other significant long term intimate relationship.
Eric linked his thread for partners of people living with addiction (see above), and there’s lots of helpful info there.
Welcome to Talking Sober! 
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Sorry I took so long to respond to your apology. Which you really don’t have anything to apologize for. I do. I think I came off a little harsher than I intended. You really didn’t deserve that. That was my own anger and trust issues being directed at the wrong person. You were just trying to help, I’m very sorry.
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Holy moly! I finally was able to convince him to at least “dip his toes in the water” of SAA meetings. He’s going to try it in stages. He’s going to have a phone call with the guy in charge of the local group. Then a zoom meeting with the group. And maybe work his way to in person. I’d be happy with the zoom meetings. I see my personal therapist via zoom every time (convenience really since we live in the country and only have one car). Yesterday was my first in person with her since the pandemic. I only know what was said in the texts with the guy about the meetings because my husband asked for help on how to phrase things. I’ve told him many times that anything said in his own therapy or these meetings it’s up to him to tell me what he thinks I should know. If he’s doing zoom, he can lock himself in the bedroom and I’ll find something to occupy myself until he’s done. If I call him out on something and he thinks I’m overreacting talk to his therapist or a sponsor and see if they think that and work it out. We have a couples therapist, that’s a good time to bring that up and discuss it. That’s all I’ve been asking for is effort, don’t make me do it all alone anymore. I’m tired.
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Sounds good! I started with a phone call too. I’m sure he’ll learn a lot 
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Have you heard of Alanon? It’s like aa but for the family, friends of alcoholics. It’s a very healing program and can help you with your “addiction” and . it’s for you the one struggling with an addict. Aa is for alcoholics.
It’s really the sister program created 16 years after Aa by a woman named Lois.
Here is a link that better explains it… hope the link works…
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@NickiMarz ty but I’m not sure there’s an Al-Anon type group for our situation. It’s not alcohol or illegal drugs, it’s sex/porn. I’m part of a spousal support group on FB and I have had a personal therapist for years. I’m learning how to utilize my own support system (sorry for my sister that she’s had to deal with my all hours of the day and night mental breakdown calls). He’s been clean for a lot longer than either of us really thought, discovered after quite a few long talks. Right now he’s getting to the detox part and it’s been hell for me. I just keep reminding myself that I put him through the same thing when I got clean from alcohol. If he can do it for me, I can do it for him.
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Actually, there is! 
It’s called S-Anon:
There are in-person and online meetings. To find online meetings, set the filter for “Phone/Web” meetings only.
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@Matt thank you!!! OMG you’re an amazing human being! I will try to get some time to check it out today.
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Oh. My apologies. I misread your post. It looks like someone posted a group that might be able to help you. I think it was called s-anon.
Hang in there. Relationships are rough when both parties are relatively healthy. The struggles you’re having, you are not alone. There is hope and I’m glad you reached out for help and support. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Love in the most important thing and grace especially to give you yourself! You deserve the best life has to offer. Again sorry for my irrelevant comment earlier.
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@NickiMarz no need to apologize. Love is the whole reason I’ve stuck around with him. I could have justifiably left him 8 months into our relationship. No one would have blamed me. We’re going to be together for 15 years in February. It’s been a macabre merry go round the whole time. He’s hit the bottom of the barrel for him and is now buckling down and treating this as a life or death situation. I’m trying to be understanding and still respect my own boundaries.
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Boundaries are so important and 15 years is not so easily given up. I feel like the relationships that have more challenges are sometimes %100 work the hard work to get back on track.
We see the best part of those we love and consider them to be good. And they are. In reality everyone has the capacity for good as well as bad. For some it’s more of a challenge to fight those “bad” urges than others because they are more tormented by them. I know I can be overwhelmed by my demons.
Our experiences add too the torment. And I know that the way my life has gone, I considered myself worthy of the fighting and harshness bestowed on anyone and everyone by myself.
This life beats us down. But we still have a choice! I beautiful choice to make the best decisions for ourselves and to have the best from those decisions to flow out to those we love around us.
I talked to my mom a little ago about expectations. I have, sometimes impossible, but hopeful ones that are often times out of reach of my husband and the folks around me. But the reality is that my relationships are still good. I had to learn to let go and accept people as they are and allow them room to grow but not demand it.
Those demands made me miserable not the latter.
I don’t by any means want to employ this is what you need to do. Just a glimpse of some of my personal growth that has made me much happier in the end.
I encourage you to keep going.
Everyone has an opinion but we don’t need or have to listen to others. We are all so uniquely different and beautiful and should be let alone with ours differences.
All this said I just want to be encouraging and I care about the struggles and hurts of others.
I don’t always say the right things but I am trying.
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@NickiMarz finding the right words to express ourselves has always been a challenge for both of us, especially with impatience when the other person isn’t understanding what we’re trying to communicate. I completely understand where you’re coming from with that. I try to make things not seem like I’m demanding things. I’m requesting it, and try to make sure he remembers that I wouldn’t ask more of him than I have or would be willing to give myself. He’s always throwing up the number of years we’ve been together and not wanting to throw it away. He needs the reminder that if things don’t change that I’m not the one throwing it away, he’s making that choice. I don’t want it to end either.
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