Can folks share advice? Success stories for encouragement? Is there any hope for salvaging this relationship?
I was dating a woman for just over 9 months. Everything about our relationship was fantastic – we were honest with each other, open, supportive and caring with each other, and we both allowed each other the space to be ourselves. I saw a real future with this person.
We’re both divorced, and her ex-husband was an alcoholic. He even quit drinking for a couple of years at her suggestion, although it was on his own and without a group or a program. But when he relapsed, she told me that he became violent and abusive. (They divorced about 5 years ago, and she hasn’t had contact with him since.)
On Memorial Day, I had an impromptu party and drank too much. (My problem with alcohol is that once I start drinking in social situations, I don’t know how to stop.) I invited my girlfriend over, and it was the first time she had ever seen me drunk like that. I wasn’t angry or mean, I was just an obnoxious drunk, and probably the drunkest person in the room.
She went back to her house that night, and the next day told me that seeing me in that state brought up some painful stuff around her ex and her divorce. She said she needed some space to think. The following weekend, we met up for coffee and she dumped me. She told me that in the past week, she had been to 4 Al-Anon meetings because my drunkenness, and her reaction to it, brought up so much pain and anger for her.
She said that even if getting to that state had been a one-time thing for me, she’d always be anxiously waiting for it to happen again. And that if I decided that I needed to get help for my drinking, that she couldn’t be the person to support me in that. And because of all of that, she couldn’t see me anymore.
I was devastated to hear that, but it was a wake up call for me. I ruined an amazing relationship because of my drinking, and I’m fully committed to getting sober now. I never, ever want to make someone feel that way again. And to be honest, I don’t ever want to be drunk again. I always feel so stupid the next morning, and it’s just not worth it.
I’m committed to doing the work that I need to do to build up a support network and seek out the help that I need to stay sober from here on out. I’m only on Day 4, but I’ve been to a meeting every day, and I’m feeling confident that I can manage my dependency on alcohol with the right support systems. I know that it’s still early days for me, but I am finally, fully being honest with myself about my relationship to alcohol, and I’m ready to be done with it.
So much of my relationship with my girlfriend was so amazing. There were no tensions, no major arguments, and there was nothing wrong between the two of us, up until my stupid behavior last Monday night. I’m absolutely devastated that my drinking caused the end of our relationship.
Do you think that there is any hope for us, between me being in recovery, and her being in Al-Anon? Or is this insurmountable? How do I show her that I am committed to my recovery, when she has had terrible experiences with a partner who relapsed before? Will she ever be able to believe or trust me? Are the people in her Al-Anon group telling her that she needs to stay away from me in order to heal herself?
I know that whatever happens will take time; I want to give her all the space she needs to work through her past issues in Al-Anon, and I know that I need space to work on my sobriety program, too. But the selfish part of me also wants to know: how much time will it take?
