It feels different this time. Just rambling

It feels different and it started differently too, in all other relapses it had been a gradual gradual slide back to daily drinking, followed by a binge of basically drinking in all spare time, then a ‘just one more bottle’ final bottle ending, then up to a month of sobriety before going around and around again.

This last time tho, before Christmas, I used a conflict at work as an excuse and jumped straight back into daily drinking for maybe about 4-5 days… I know that in previous times I would have used Christmas and New Year as a reason to sit like that for a couple more weeks before quitting again, but it was different. I was sitting on the sofa, sober on a Saturday morning, and thinking about going and picking that next bottle and I just thought ‘no, I don’t want this bull shit anymore’ I just don’t want it and bollox to having that ‘one last bottle’ or Christmas or whatever. And that’s how I’m here now.

It feels easy and I’m not sure why, potentially because I have been reading about “The Wall” phase (thanks to whoever shared that) or because of this forum, I don’t know why it feels easy and it’s massively unsettling. Now that I’m over the month, and furthest along this path in say 12 years, I am expecting it to get harder, or to catch me if guard or to come back with stronger urges than before at some point (all justified by how long I’ve been sober etc… It’s how my addictive voice works.) And I’m really nervous about that.



Realising that any arbitrary start date is just that, and the most important thing is to just start, is good proof how much u want it. I also had many final hurrahs, waiting for a certain meaningful date, and then just relapsed anyway. My current sober date, I just got some time under my belt, then just realised I really really couldn’t do it again. Ease in sobriety will wax and wane, just keeping aware and using tools when needed will keep u sober.


Thanks, I appreciate the advice

I felt/feel those exact things too @Badger… this time was different. And before the holidays too. I knew this is what I wanted and felt great about it, but I can’t help but feel like I’m waiting for the hard part to come. Not to say that this isn’t daily work and effort, but just waiting for the cravings or whatever to finally hit me with a vengeance.
I think when we are so conditioned to damaging ourselves, it feels like our default mode. Well, NO MORE!
Trust that. Trust yourself. Keep doing what you are doing because it’s working! Great job on your time.

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