I apologize to anyone in advance for this long post- Wow, has it been a while since I have been logged into the community. I have been sober from alcohol for 222 days and from Xanax for over a month- Xanax has definitely been the most difficult for me to quit. But I’m hoping now that it’s has been this long I won’t give in to temptation and give up all that hard work. Tonight my urge to take one was extreme but I made it through. I am 9 months pregnant today. I gave up alcohol before I found out I was pregnant and then being pregnant was all the more reason to stick with it. Giving up the Xanax was a lot more challenging considering I have extreme anxiety, the relationship I am in has been horrible, and the drs don’t tell you you have to give it up. It’s soo easy to just pop a little pill and forget about your troubles for a little while, get a good nights sleep, or just relax. I was super proud of myself when I cut back my dosage to once a week, it was a huge success for me. But it wasn’t good enough, I didn’t want to be on anything while being pregnant and I felt like the Xanax might have been making it more difficult to actually control my emotions. So I decided to go as long as I could wo taking it to see if I could get a better grip on my anger and emotional moments. The first month went great! I felt like I definitely had a better grip on everything and it motivated me more to not take is and continue to learn natural ways to deal with my anxiety. Then tonight happened… I let my emotions get to me, I became upset. I verbalized a concern to my s/o about him not being home and being unreachable, basically I was being insecure. He took it and ran with it though. Telling me I was crazy, that I need to get over the past (his cheating), He told me he doesn’t care if I’m 9 months pregnant or not pregnant that I need to keep my insecurities & concerns to myself unless I have proof bc he doesn’t want to deal with it. And shouldn’t have to. That unless I have proof that he is doing something wrong I am just crazy. Even at that point I still wasn’t ready for a Xanax. He came home, continued to be defensive until he passed out. (From the alcohol) So I got noisy, went through his phone. (I know, iI shouldn’t be doing this) found some minor things on his phone like random email addresses saved in his contacts of people like 2hotfor4, or sexylesbian, even his ex fiancé name was in there with a number and “my love” written in. But for some strange reason what really got to me was there his mom and two of his friends are FB friends with the girl he was cheating on me with!! I had no idea that his mom or his friends had met this girl. I had no idea that there relationship was that serious that he was bringing her around his family and friends. I guess I really wouldn’t of cared if he wasn’t telling me we were working on things and all that. When asked about it all he could do was tell me it was in the past and I need to get over it, telling me I need to get a handle on my emotions, and he thought I was better than this and that I was over it all. Then for the first time since I found out he was cheating it all just hit me. And I cried, and cried. See being sober you can’t drown out your emotions with alcohol and pills. The reality of the situation just kind of hits you in the face all at once and there isn’t anything you can do but feel it. And that’s when I wanted a Xanax, more than anything. The regret I have giving him a second and third chance, the anger I have for being manipulated, lied to, deceived over and over again. How stupid am I to allow myself to be in this situation. How foolish I feel. His last chance was simply bc I am pregnant, I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. I hate that I am in this situation with him. I hate feeling trapped and stuck. I wanted to be pregnant with someone who actually wanted to be in a relationship with me, who actually loved me, someone who wanted to have a family with me and could see themselves sharing that life together. This is definitely one of the worst ways to bring a child into this world. I can’t even tell what his true intentions are with me anymore. He makes reference to taking the baby away if I yell of get upset after she is here. He makes comments about me getting postpartum depression and hanging my self. It was after all this and much more that I really had the urge for the Xanax. I cried and cried and then took a Benadryl. Soon I will have to start counting days for that.
Fuck that’s a tough day. And you know what, you didn’t pick up. You are dealing with the feelings run amok without using something to suppress them and I applaud you for that.
Sounds like a lot of trust issues, compounded by a low self worth/esteem for the both of you. Are you actively working a program? You said he passed out drunk, do you feel he has a problem he’s in denial of?
Always remember we can’t control the world and direct the show, can’t get the “if only he/she’d do this” type of thinking. You’re responsible for your sobriety and life and nothing else, the rest is completely out of your hands. Your life is gonna get a lot more complicated once the baby girl is born so focus on yourself and what you can do to better your life, because a happy sober you will inherently know how to raise a happy babe.
You’re stronger than you know, and you have support.
Thank you for your kind words. I’m not in a program, just been sort of dealing on my own. As far as him being in denial I’m sure to some level he has realized how his drinking effects his choices and actions. We were originally suppose to quit together. I was the only one who kept with it. He lasted about two week before he went and drank pretty heavily and consistently for a few months before he decided it was time to cut back. The amount he drinks has reduced significantly but even if it’s a few drinks every time we fight.
I have been trying very hard to just focus on myself and make myself the best version I can possibly be for the baby. It’s hard when you don’t have the support you need in you personal life.
I constantly need reminding that I can’t control things and all I can do is choose how I react to them. It’s the reacting part that is the most difficult to control. I was constantly worried that he is going to bring me back into drinking after the baby is born. But I know that’s something I have full control over, it’s one thing I can have control over. The anxiety of having a baby plus having a baby with someone who didn’t want to have one and was cheating on you makes everything 100x more stressful. I hate that I am in this situation with him. And I don’t want to be tempted to take a Xanax to calm myself. I guess that’s why I decided to reach out for support again. I should probably look into some other groups as well that deals with relationships and such.
I’d suggest you get into a program. IOP, smart recovery, AA or many others. You already know you have a problem and thats the first step and 1 of the hardest to realize.
You are right that you can on control yourself. Your feelings. You have to put yourself first, be selfish and unrelenting. People places and things are outside of our realm of control. If he’s not on board thats how it is, but that can’t negatively influence how you go about your recovery. Remember that he is a sick person too, you can’t make him see it or work on it because that’s not your place but you can be positive and encouraging.
Once again, you had a day from hell with feelings, with your bf being belittling, demeaning, and abusive but through it all YOU DIDN’T PICK UP. You know it’s not a safe option, not a sensible option or a healthy response. Keep working your sobriety and find your way into a recovery program and let the real healing and self discovery begin.