I dealt with the grief of my mother’s death, by drinking. I used her death as an excuse to drink. Hitting “middle age” and starting to lose family members to “time” has caused me to become quite introspective. Please let me share some things I’ve learned. They may help:
We each have our “appointed time”. Some are taken young, some when they are quite old. We love them, and they love us. The thing is, when they go to their rest, they don’t take the love with them. If anything, they leave it behind for us. They don’t need it where they are going, as there’s plenty of it there, waiting for them. So they leave it here for us. Your grandmother clearly loved you, and poured into you every drop of love she could, during her appointed time. Cherish that. Don’t feel guilty for seeking happiness after she’s passed. Joy is like air. Without it we suffocate. It’s like sunshine, without it the world is gloomy and washed out. Your grandmother wanted you happy while she was with you. This didn’t change with her passing.
I grieved for my mother, or thought I did. Actually, I was refusing to go through the process. Everytime I would begin to experience grief, like I should, I would smother it with wine. Got me nowhere except stuck right where I was.
The thing is, I have people whom I love, who also love me. My wife. My kids. My friends. When I was drinking, I wasn’t in a position to love them back. Now that I am not using my “DOC” anymore, I was able to finish grieving for my mother. I was able to see how much I am loved. I realize I too have an “appointed time” and I am determined not to waste one more minute not loving them back.
To love, and be loved, is to feel the warm sun shining on both sides of your face.