i struggle with self harm. Its been extremely hard to keep my soberty this month. February 28th is the day i lost my best friend, my whole world. My grandmal! I got this tattoo as a every day reminder to keep pushing forward no matter how hard things get. And no matter how hard i want to end things i look at that and keep going. Ive been an emotional stressed out mess this month. Crying at random things, not eating, sleeping all the time, mood swings. It sucks, my relationships around me are struggling now too. I start back to counseling tomorrow but i dont think anything is going to ne able to take this pain away. Everything about me hurts without her. Iam not me without her. I am only happy for a couple hours at a time before i feel guilty for being happy without her. Its a constant struggle. I just want to be happy again and feel normal again. #fuckalzheimers #curealzheimers 
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I’m so glad you are starting therapy again. I find it helps. I haven’t really seen very many self harm post. But when I’m struggling i like to read how other cope. The more ideas/coping skills i have the more of a chance of success i will have(well that’s how i feel). I also self harm. Although i have not cut in almost 3 yrs. I now do other things to physicaly harm myself. I find them easier to hide for the judgemental people of this world. Thank you for sharing. I could ramble on and on. But i will not. Lol. But again thank you for sharing.
I think your grandma would hate to see you having guilt about having fun in your life. Good you see a therapist. I lost my mother 10 years ago, it was a huge miss. I have seen a therapist for a few times, it helped me. Take care!
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I’m sorry for you losing your grandma. Now she is your guardian angel, with you everywhere you go and in everything you do, I’m sure she left a lot of love with you and I hope it can give some comfort when you are feeling sad.
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I am sorry for your loss. I still miss both of my Grammie’s and as the years go by I think of all I learned from them and all they struggled and accomplished in their lives. Now I am a Grammie, and I know your grandma would be proud of you and your hard work. I am glad you are back in therapy. Keep working towards your goals and always know that love is truly eternal and you are watched over. You matter.
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I have struggled with self harm my whole life as well. When I was drinking I couldn’t control it at all. About 8 years ago I “decided to quit cutting,” which really meant I smashed my fists into anything I could find when I was upset. I also continued to cut, just not nearly as often. I know the struggle friend, and it’s fxking real! I haven’t harmed myself in nearly 8 months of sobriety from alcohol and benzos, and it feels great! Therapy was my absolute best friend in learning to help myself cope. It certainly wasn’t easy, but it was effective. Just make sure you find the right therapist. Don’t be afraid to leave one and try another, it will be worth it in the end!
Stay strong buddy! You are worth it! If you need anything hit me up.
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Thank you. I have also noticed that i do the same thing. When i get into and argument with my bf i will punch stuff and most times spilt my knuckles on accident. Its almost like i need to feel that release of pain and anger to feel okay again. I am trying hard to stay clean and clear minded but iam so numb
That’s the reason for my tatt to remind me shes always there. She’s my reason to live
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I dealt with the grief of my mother’s death, by drinking. I used her death as an excuse to drink. Hitting “middle age” and starting to lose family members to “time” has caused me to become quite introspective. Please let me share some things I’ve learned. They may help:
We each have our “appointed time”. Some are taken young, some when they are quite old. We love them, and they love us. The thing is, when they go to their rest, they don’t take the love with them. If anything, they leave it behind for us. They don’t need it where they are going, as there’s plenty of it there, waiting for them. So they leave it here for us. Your grandmother clearly loved you, and poured into you every drop of love she could, during her appointed time. Cherish that. Don’t feel guilty for seeking happiness after she’s passed. Joy is like air. Without it we suffocate. It’s like sunshine, without it the world is gloomy and washed out. Your grandmother wanted you happy while she was with you. This didn’t change with her passing.
I grieved for my mother, or thought I did. Actually, I was refusing to go through the process. Everytime I would begin to experience grief, like I should, I would smother it with wine. Got me nowhere except stuck right where I was.
The thing is, I have people whom I love, who also love me. My wife. My kids. My friends. When I was drinking, I wasn’t in a position to love them back. Now that I am not using my “DOC” anymore, I was able to finish grieving for my mother. I was able to see how much I am loved. I realize I too have an “appointed time” and I am determined not to waste one more minute not loving them back.
To love, and be loved, is to feel the warm sun shining on both sides of your face.
Peace.
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I feel like i am just existing in life not really living it and it sucks so bad. I so desperately want to not feel numb and live my life to the fullest and truly enjoy it but i cant seem to shake this numbness
Have you sought grief counseling? There’s faith-based and secular, depending on where you are spiritually. I would recommend that you check this out: https://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/
I spoke with my Senior Pastor, who had lost his Dad, not long before my Ma passed. It helped get me “unstuck”.
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I know most people don’t want to go this route, but I would highly suggest you seek psychiatric help. Medication doesn’t have to be something that you take forever, but it is usually effective while you seek help in therapy. Medication and therapy can be used hand in hand while you learn vital coping skills and get grief counseling. The only reason I suggest this route is because it seems that you are experiencing dangerous depression and I would really hate for something bad to happen. What you are going through is very difficult and scary and I would certainly tell anyone I care about to please seek this type of help.
No matter what you decide we will all be here for you!
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I did grief counseling (group and individual) after my first husband killed himself 30 years ago…it was extremely helpful for me. Rarely does one get thru life without experiencing the loss of a loved one, grief is universal and a process that can open your heart when you least expect it. None of us will get out of here alive, of that I am certain.
Avoiding our feelings is part of how we got here, grief IMHO can be a way thru…the deep well of emotion when released can bring clarity. Digging into it thru group or individual therapy with a good counselor can be very helpful if one is ready for that step.
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True wisdom.
I have been on a antidepressant sinxe i was 16. It has helped alot but with experiencing so much grief and numbness its not helping as much. I have set up a counselor app to start counseling again
I have started counseling again. Its not grief counseling but atleast its someone to talk to. I am desperate this helps. I cant keep feeling this way
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I was diagnosed at 15 with type 2 bipolar which is the maniac depressive type. Ive struggled with it all my life. Ive had a really rough life so its not easy to fight my depression with positive thoughts
I hear you. It is a process. Hope the counseling is helpful for you. I am always better when I have someone to talk to.
I hear ya. I’ve been diagnosed with a couple different things, including bipolar 2. Since I got clean my new doc and I are reassessing the diagnosis because I’ve been using all my adult life, but I totally understand the difficulty of trying to overcome emotions that are programmed in your brain. Hypomania type episodes are more common for me but I’m currently going through an episode of major anxiety mixed with depression.
Im Glad you are getting back into therapy. It’s the best thing any of us can do.