I’m so tired. I’m feeling down but I’ll be ok. Just don’t know what to do with all my feelings (good and Bad ones) it’s so overwhelming …in the day at nights…I’ll keep this convo for journaling maybe. I’m very thankful for y’all and I know we’re struggling …wishing you the very best.
I feel Like I don’t have a purpose that excite me as m’y brain is full and never stops. I had a pro formation (I don’t know if it’s english ) but that confirms I’m a art and helper soul. I know it’s m’y purpose but I don’t know how …and I really feel disconnected as I feel too much ( when drunk) and not sharing enough ( when I’m not- Friends Always telling I’m an oyster)…
I needed to write this even if I have a journal. But maybe day by day it’s gonna be better and an inspiration
TW
Also my dad Is dying and we have to take Care of him but I don’t know if I’m gonna be able today. Spend two days to help and my body is in Pain…
Be easy on yourself- your dad’s condition right now is probably affecting you on every level. The times in life when we are faced with death are often the ones when we start taking stock and rethinking everything we think because dealing with death is powerful and wretched and confusing, even if we’re prepared and know it’s happening. This is a time to think about your life, but definitely not a time to judge yourself for things you think your life is lacking. Stay sober through this one day at a time. Use this time to imagine things and jobs and experiences you want to have. Make lists. But keep it positive. You have enough weighing on your spirit. Right now, as long as you’re sober and there for your family, your purpose is served.
As for purpose in general, please know you are enough. You working toward the best version of yourself is your purpose throughout your entire life. That might take many jobs and forms as you learn and grow. It’s an unfair expectation to think there is only 1 thing, or even just a few things, that we are meant to do. You are meant for joy, for love, for service. Try multiple things as you discover what makes you happy and feel valued. See what sticks.
Hi @Kadiatou, I’m happy to hear your share, I know it is difficult for you and your heart is torn between different feelings and pain and confusion - I know it is difficult but I am happy you are reaching out and connecting. Don’t give up. You will find what you need.
I have a similar feeling, and it was stronger earlier in my recovery journey. I learned later that my brain being full was a symptom of my ADHD. With ADHD the brain is always running. This is both a strength - people with ADHD make many, many more connections (often innovative connections) between ideas and people and places than non-ADHD people do - and it is also a challenge: it can be exhausting.
I am not at all surprised that you are an art and helper soul. Your tone and your words here on Talking Sober show you are someone who feels deeply, someone who experiences life and connection in a way that is rich, rich, deep, full, profound: you are a rich tapestry of emotion and ideas whose threads weave in and out of the world around her.
The depth of feeling and compassion that you have is, like your brain, both a strength and a challenge. It is not easy to have the power that you have. It is exhausting. You need time alone, to refresh and replenish yourself.
Forget about the drunk part (when we are in our addiction we are not really our authentic human self; we are hiding) - but the other part, about not sharing, it sounds like you feel concerned about your connections with the people who matter to you. Maybe you also feel afraid? Afraid that you will not be accepted or remembered? Afraid that you will be disconnected, that somehow, you will not belong? (I’m just guessing. But I hear a deep pain in you. That pain, that hurt, has to show up somehow.)
You’re a good person @Kadiatou and you are a good mother and a good friend. What do you need? What does your heart say? Can you find a space where you can let your heart find peace and healing?
You mentioned your anger - the anger you didn’t know you have in you - in a post earlier this year:
I am doing my Step 4 in Sexaholics Anonymous (step 4: make a searching and fearless moral inventory) and a big part of that is listing the things I feel angry about. I am preparing this list and I will present it to my sponsor.
I didn’t realize I had so much anger and embarrassment and resentment in my history. I have numbed it for so long that as I am excavating it now, I am noticing patterns in my emotional history, and it is helping me see how to keep myself grounded and healthy now.
Dear Matt, I’m so grateful you Always have right words and Reading you this morning give me a lot of strenght …you don’t have any Idea. I’ll answer you better After I’m done with this busy day but just needed to Say thank you and Hope I’ll be able to help too. Have the best day. K.
) but that confirms I’m a art and helper soul. I know it’s m’y purpose but I don’t know how …and I really feel disconnected as I feel too much ( when drunk) and not sharing enough ( when I’m not- Friends Always telling I’m an oyster)…
I’ll do m’y best