Lots good comments on this post I can relate to few of the comments too I be coming back check in more often
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This helps a lot.
Thank you for your feedback, I appreciate it.
I just know in my situation that she is the ultimate best I can do. She has no addictions. She has a good spiritual side. She is super smart and intelligent, and also very attractive.
I’ll keep on my journey. Today marks 7 days. The fog is slowly starting to lift.
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Why does this matter?
(Edit to add: I’m not asking to be critical, not at all. I’m asking because what stands out to us matters. It tells us a lot about ourselves.)
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Can I be honest, I have been the wife. My husband’s addiction made me disconnect from him, resentful, lonely and bitter. I wanted to explore places, travel and date like other couples, I wanted a conversation with someone who was genuinely interested in me, not just interested in me after the highs worn in and the moods stabilised. I couldn’t connect with someone who wasn’t on the same wave length as me. We had harsh arguments and I know he certainly felt like a nuisance to me. Instead of arguing in the end cause I knew I couldn’t change his addiction I focused on myself and self growth. I was achieving things I never have before and becoming a person he was proud of but felt I was becoming out of reach to him. It was never the case tho, I had to work on myself for my sanity and own addictions and would be their for him when he was ready. It was never about outgrowing him, but growing in myself and waiting for hopefully for my husband to want to join me. To open up to life and his wife and kids. My love for him never changed I just missed him deeply. He always said to me I was too good for him and he didn’t deserve me, I always said to him course you deserve kindness and love. He’s been clean now for about 6 months and these feelings of shame he was carrying have lifted. He now feels like the man he wants to be and he’s most importantly happy within himself. Your on the right path for yourself and working on them inner feelings to finally have a chain free life. I cannot speak for your marriage or wife but I honestly wish you all the best and hope it’s a similar story to mine. Keep fighting for yourself and know you deserve better than what your giving yourself and your relationships will start to figure itself out and become easier to navigate x
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I hear you! I’ve been doing this 30yrs. Was sober for nine years then blew it! I am 7days in and feeling good. Have support from my doctor so no excuses and no more lies…
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It does tell us a lot about ourselves.
It’s just I know I cant find better than her. I just have to straighten myself out and keep going. Thanks
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I dont know man…theres a lot going on in your OG post and replies…
My wife this, my wife that, she this, she that…Just needed to get it off my chest.
Thats a lot of reading…
Be well
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I don’t know man, if this is what your basing the relationship on, or how you’re kinda holding her around then the relationship is probably in a worse spot then you think it is. That should never really be a concern in a strong relationship. It should be, I push you up, then you push me up and so on.
This to me seems like she cares and just wants you to get your shit together. Otherwise she wouldn’t even be wasting her time saying it. I’m just telling you from experience, my wife was definitely getting tired of some of the shit that I was pulling. If you work on yourself first, the marriage may fall into place, or at least have a fighting chance. I wish you the best though
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Thank you and I loved your response.
I’m short on time but will respond in more detail in a few days but thank you so much for sharing your experience and feedback.
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Have you been sober since this was originally posted? Has that helped things?
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No worries and don’t panic about replying. It’s hard to get back around for everyone! Haha hope your keeping well x
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Nice work. You are at about day 14 or 15 if you are still staying sober m. It does get better
Thank you so much for your feedback and sharing your own personal experience.
Yes my hope is exactly this. That when I straighten myself out that we can have a stronger and better marriage.
It’s been 14 years of marriage this summer. I do realize that she stuck through all this with me. My ups and downs. My struggles with addiction.
I will take your advice and just focus on myself for now. Get myself to a better place. Physically, mentally, financially, etc.
I can honestly say I’m in a much better place than I was a few years ago. I still have recovery in front of me, but it is what it is.
I do feel like my addiction has caught up with me and makes me feel this way about my wife that she’s too good for me and that I can’t find anyone better if she leaves. It’s all part of my mental state.
One day at a time. I’m 15 days sober now and I hope to get to 6 months as well.
One day at a time for a lifetime. Thanks again for sharing your story. I wish you all the best!
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Thank you and I do agree that it sounds like she cares and that is why she is saying these things or else why even bother wasting her time.
I’ll hold onto that little bit of hope and just get better. I need to get better for us to be stronger.
Money shouldn’t be the end and be all. It’s just I blew away my younger years wrapped up in my addiction.
Success isn’t measured by money, but when a lot of people near us have bigger homes and appear to be more financially secure, it just raises a little bit of fear.
We will continue and just keep fighting the good fight. Thanks again
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Yes now sober 15 days.
I’d say it helps more than it doesn’t.
Being sober helps with a lot aspects of one’s life.
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I don’t really understand why the income thing matters, or why it should matter. You’re what you do, not the money you make. Obviously you want to earm enough money to live, and it’s good to work a job you don’t hate. But why bother beating yourself up for not making more money if you have enough to make a living now? Sure, costs are going up, and that’s a valid reason to be upset. But the cost of living going up isn’t something you control, and it’s not your failure.
Regardless, if money is driving a wedge between you and your partner then it’s time to reevaluate what you both want out of a relationship. Is financial security the most important thing? Is it quality time? And if things are truly irreparable, can you at least function as friends? It may not be a happy conversation, but I bet it beats tearing yourself apart in silence.
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I haven’t been married to a dream woman before like that so I don’t feel I can give direct related advice. I do have several relationships that lasted a year or longer and fizzled out. Here are just a few thoughts off the top of my head but keep in mind i’m looking at my experiences since I don’t know you or your wife and I haven’t been in that long a relationship before.
#1 Be focused on communication and understanding each other.
#2 Live your life like you are trying to impress the woman of your dreams while having boundless amounts of love and support for yourself.
#3 Try to stay in a decisive, masculine, positive, and confident frame. Try to move away from thoughts that really don’t serve any purpose that are negative.
#4 When in doubt, diet and exercise. It’s rare I see partners want to leave someone in shape but common when the person they are with is not the person they married. It goes both ways though. I see couples both put on a 100 pounds that are happy so every situation is different.
5. I don’t know your religious beliefs but prayer has changed my life. I follow Jesus.
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Thank you for this.
Money shouldn’t be the end and be all. I agree with that but I do believe it is one of the major deciding factors in a relationship and especially marriage.
It’s hard to explain but I agree that we shouldn’t measure success or failure in how much money we make or have.
I do need to have deeper conversations with my spouse on this. All this I know is due to my past addictions and all the time and potential I wasted.
Had I channeled that into good habits, I would be a lot more successful and wouldn’t feel this way.
It’s life I guess. We all have our moments of happiness and sadness. I’m doing my very best or at least trying to.
Thanks again
Thank you for the feedback.
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I agree about communication. It has to be open and we need to communicate with our partners. It’s one of the reasons we are still together.
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I need to keep this mind and still try to impress her everyday. She is the love of my life and I do need to show it more.
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I agree that our partners like us more if we are masculine and decisive and confident. I need to show more of that and be more of that.
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I’ve got better at diet and exercise. I had a health scare a few years ago but have improved since. I know I can do even better on that front.
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I have become more spiritual on my sober path. It doesn’t help tremendously.
Thank you again
I came back to see how you’ve been doing.
This thread has grown in the last couple weeks!
Here is what I was going to send you, when last you replied. I just want sure you were up for a bunch of feedback.
I -----added----- my responses into your message to me. Hope it’s not confusing. 
Thank you so much for the feedback. I read it all and it means a lot.
----You’re welcome, my friend.----
Especially your comment about replacing her/she with I. That I deserve more and better. I do, but if I can get and stay sober. I’ve been in the path but have had a few slips and those hurt.
----You’ve probably already heard this one, but: Do you know WHEN a relapse ends… Like, when the relapse is officially over? The relapse is over the moment we use again. Everything leading up to that is the actual relapse.
The use value of our relapses is that they teach us where we’re vulnerable and where our triggers are. Their only painful when we don’t use them as a tool and turn the events leading up to it into a warning. ----
I can feel myself becoming stronger physically and mentally. Just need to keep on this path.
You are right about money. It shouldn’t be our primary focus. Well at least it’s not for me.
“But she wants more now. A bigger house. For me to work a second job. It’s good that she’s pushing me. I sometimes feel I do need that push so I don’t get stuck and happy and comfortable where I am at. She makes me want to be better and pushes me to do more and be better.”
—Obviously I don’t know you guys, but this reads a little like she’s holding you responsible for her personal goals. Encouragement is one thing, riding you until you provide what she wants is another. I got that’s not the case.
No one, not even our partners is entitled to dictate how we live our lives. You do not owe her everything-she-ever-wanted. And most importantly, please, never break yourself down for falling short of other people’s expectations. You will get to your own level of greatness in your own time by following your own path. Everyone else is along for the ride. Also “stuck, happy and comfortable” is a privilege some people can never afford. Enjoy it where you can, moderately if need be but never let it take your eye of the ball.----
It’s my addiction that caused me not to earn as much as I should have by this age.
----“Should” is an utter fabrication. An illusion that we’re all saddled with. Be very very careful using this word and ESPECIALLY careful when talking to yourself. You SHOULD avoid it all costs.----
I do want to let her go and find that person that is right for her but I don’t think I can let go. I won’t find anyone better than her.
----We don’t know that, can’t know that. All we can possibly say for sure… With a grain of salt… Is that TODAY you couldn’t do any better… And that’s just kind of a hurtful thing to say to oneself. Where’s the curiosity in that outlook? Where the opportunity? You’re basically telling the entire world “you have nothing better than this so I’m not gonna bother looking”
Now, obviously you adore your wife and rightly so, it seems. So looking elsewhere for isn’t exactly in your interests, and hopefully it doesn’t come to that. But if your motivation for keeping her is simply fear… That’s not a healthy one. That’s a deeply cynical outlook and suggests you may need to give your self worth a little attention. Again, all off this can change; you can change. I know this for a fact my friend. ----
I know it sounds selfish. But she is a clean, smart, attractive, kind, amazing mother and woman. She knows how to do it all. Cook, clean, works, teaches the kids, she is just all around perfect. She has been raised very well. I know what I have. But I’m an ex addict. I may end up finding someone else if we split but it won’t be anyone at her level and I know that deep down inside. That’s why it’s hard to let go.
----Again, this reads like you’re focused entirely on her positives and boner off your own. When we talk about humility, this is not what we mean. Above you gave her 10 compliments to summarize her as a person for us.
Then you reduced yourself to merely an ex addict.
I hated to be the bearer of bad news but she is not perfect. I know this sight-unseen.
And YOU sir are faaaaaaaar more than just an ex addict.
So do the experiment again. Recognize 10 things about yourself that are traits worthy of praise.
If you don’t do it, I will. *Said in my serious grown-up tone
I just need to continue on this path to sobriety. I’ll have good days and bad days. My emotions are all over the place. I opened up about my addiction to her and the family 10 years ago. We have been married 14 years this summer. She could have left before. She didn’t. That’s 10 years after knowing my secret. She must see some sort of change in me.
----I suspect she sees better in you than you do. Lean into that.----
I don’t know how long we will last but my health isn’t what it used to be. It’s fading and I thank the lord that she stuck by me this long.
----i am 43 years old and in the best shape of my life. I do not have a gym or yoga routine, I do not run or ride a bicycle ( although I love most of these things)
I believe you can get your health back but only because I’ve seen myself and many many others do so, right here in this forum.-----
She has outgrown me, but hey maybe I can try and grow to her level or expectation.
----no she hasn’t, and yes you can----
If I’m not growing then I’m descending and getting worse.
Thanks again for sharing. Means a lot.
----Honestly, it just doesn’t work that way. Your always growing. Some off us manage to grows well into our 80s.
the question is not whether or not you’re growing, the question is “Are you growing in the direction you want to be”. Then, like idiots, we give ourselves the added pressure of asking “Am I getting there fast enough?”
And i swear to God, the next words out of our mouths always involved the word “should”
IT’S A TRAAAAAAAP!-----
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