# Journal entires? Share your word vomit? I am not trying to omit any justification or blame shift. I just wantto share a piece i configured trying to mKe sense of how i thought i was better than addiction and read others entries if alloted
**URL:** https://talkingsober.com/t/journal-entires-share-your-word-vomit-i-am-not-trying-to-omit-any-justification-or-blame-shift-i-just-wantto-share-a-piece-i-configured-trying-to-mke-sense-of-how-i-thought-i-was-better-than-addiction-and-read-others-entries-if-alloted/210244
**Category:** Life in Recovery
**Tags:** check-in, motivation
**Created:** [September 5, 2026, 10:05am UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/journal-entires-share-your-word-vomit-i-am-not-trying-to-omit-any-justification-or-blame-shift-i-just-wantto-share-a-piece-i-configured-trying-to-mke-sense-of-how-i-thought-i-was-better-than-addiction-and-read-others-entries-if-alloted/210244 "2026-09-05T10:05:19Z")
**Posts on this page:** 2
**Page:** 1
### Author:  [@G3tPastthePoint](https://talkingsober.com/u/G3tPastthePoint)
#### Post date: [September 5, 2026, 10:05am UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/journal-entires-share-your-word-vomit-i-am-not-trying-to-omit-any-justification-or-blame-shift-i-just-wantto-share-a-piece-i-configured-trying-to-mke-sense-of-how-i-thought-i-was-better-than-addiction-and-read-others-entries-if-alloted/210244/1 "2026-09-05T10:05:20Z")
Please Don’t eat me alive if I omit justification or any perspective of blame shift. AI just wanted to express my brain a piece I configured in early recovery. Trying to make sense of how I thought I was better than this.
I wanted to share this. I’m not sure if it’s just garbage or word vomit, and honestly, I’m afraid to present it to anyone other than a recovering addict. But I wanted to share it anyway.
Let me know what you think.
“I crave to explain the kind of shame that comes with mistakenly requiring a chemical balance in your brain.” The decisions made in survival mode. A pure, undying way of not knowing how to cure this empty space and time. How do I fill this void that hurts so fucking much? In the moment, you just want to feel anything other than that.
I persist. I imagine living through the worst panic attack you’ve ever had, the kind of heartbreak that makes you feel completely unwanted, or being so anxious that only your mother could resolve it. Only maybe she isn’t around. Maybe she works two jobs. And you should clearly know better.
School has done a damn good job teaching us that drugs are bad. But not enough of the opposing side of academics. Why don’t we explore how to handle our emotions? Our voids. Our depths. The things we’re humanly designed to feel?
The addict.
I was once a strong advocate for the phrase, “If you wanted to stop, you would.”
I don’t direct any fault toward those who think that way, because the only way to truly change that theory is to find yourself standing on a small island that you have been carving out yourself.
You’ve been digging small moats around it, letting in water.
Obviously, everyone is alarmed because those waters have fucking sharks in them.
Nonetheless, you know you’re stubborn in every other aspect of your life. You know what you’re doing. So you keep going.
Then one day, you’re standing with one foot on the island, one toe in the sand, while sharks have been tugging and biting at your clothes.
You did know what you were doing.
You were just digging moats, telling yourself, with your eyes closed, “I’ll worry about that tomorrow.”
Two weeks go by.
And tomorrow is now.
Your brain is telling you, “Hey. Look. You know this is killing you. But keep going. The sharks will eat you.”
And, by the way, you kind of have no clothes on anymore.
You didn’t stop to think. You didn’t hear anyone’s alarm anymore. Because, well, you’re human.
You know better.
And you know when to stay quiet and get out of the way so no one can witness just how obvious your void has become.
What I’m saying is this:
Doing the drug is a choice until you step outside of that voice in your head and finally say, “Fuck. I know I can’t do this anymore. They’re going to hate me. I’m pushing them away. I’m done.”
And then you go to someone.
And suddenly, this is all new.
No one tells you how to fix yourself.
After all, we’re just silly little humans.
Addiction is the cycle.
It’s not simply saying “no.” It’s saying, “I don’t know how to deal with myself. I don’t know how to love myself. I don’t know how to deal with what I feel, or what I am, or what I have become.”
And to those of you who will never know how this feels, be blessed.
We see you.
We admire you.
We want to be you.
We just don’t know how.
So I’ll look like I’m doing the work, and I’ll carry on.
One day at a time.
And today, we’re digging fucking moats.
That’s the shame.
The self-awareness that we essentially mistakenly created our own prison from is what keeps us from looking at our own directions. That’s what keeps us going.
“you want in?, wanna try?"
Sometimes sound alot like:
“Man… do you need a hug?”
“Can I come over?”
Are you lonely and depressed and tired annd..?
“Hey, Want to play with me?”
And at first, maybe that sounds like God.
“Are you even listening?”
Maybe that’s the guilt. Maybe that’s the thing that tells us that without the Holy Spirit, we chase purpose like ghosts living in cemeteries.
We know we’re hurting.
Eventually, we do one of two things.
We seek God.
Or God takes us up so we can hear Him more clearly.
That’s how heavy that shame is.
Because we know that until we do something different, only God can require a miracle in the middle of our performance.
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### Author:  [@Cjp](https://talkingsober.com/u/Cjp)
#### Post date: [September 5, 2026, 1:26pm UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/journal-entires-share-your-word-vomit-i-am-not-trying-to-omit-any-justification-or-blame-shift-i-just-wantto-share-a-piece-i-configured-trying-to-mke-sense-of-how-i-thought-i-was-better-than-addiction-and-read-others-entries-if-alloted/210244/2 "2026-09-05T13:26:55Z")
@G3tPastthePoint i see you. I appreciate your vulnerability and your words resinated with me and my internal struggle.
How are you doing today?