Good morning to Day 9!
Last night, the last thing I wanted to do was sit in on a meeting. I was so tired. I didn’t think I’d make it through the meditation without falling asleep. Then a reminder notification popped on on WhatsApp, just as I had decided to indulge in a thoughtless Netflix original. (Just finished the 2nd season of “Selling Sunset”. Hey! Don’t judge! I’m watching for the houses! )
So, I popped in, farm hair and all. Saturday’s host is so great and it’s an Inquiry meeting, which for AA people, is a bit like the steps.
2nd Noble Truth - Recovery Dharma Pg 14
We experience craving like a thirst, an unsatisfied longing, and it can become a driving force in our lives. If craving goes beyond simple desire, which is a natural part of life, it often leads us to fixation, obsession, and the delusional belief that we can’t be happy without getting what we crave. It warps our intentions so that we make choices that harm ourselves and others. This repetitive craving and obsessive drive to satisfy it leads to what we now know as addiction.
Inquiry: Recovery Dharma Pg 15
What things did you give up in your desire to cling to impermanent and unreliable solutions? For example, did you give up relationships, financial security, health, opportunities, legal standing, or other important thing to maintain your addictive behaviors? What made the addiction more important to you than any of these things you gave up?
BAM! I was drunk the first time 40 years ago, at age 11. Sadly, it was not my first drink. I came from the era when it was “cute” to watch your kid drink beer, or taste your cocktail. Well, after that first drunk I knew I could escape. I have done some really stupid shit but I haven’t really given anything up, except - ME. I have never known me and no one else has either. They know a version of me - a tiny piece. They’ve never had a full me. I see glimpses of her. I know she’s in there.
There’s a lot surrounding the number 40. I remember my 40th birthday. I thought “This IS the year!” I am FORTY!
There was something missing, though, after thousands spent on self-help and empowerment. Most of those courses teach you to OVERCOME your problems, not to sit with them, investigate them, dissect them, invite them to tea, and then kindly ask them to leave.
So, here’s to “forty years later”, after my first drunk; after the first day I started chasing the escape, after forty years of being less-than my authentic self (who is pretty awesome BTW).
One of the things I love about Recovery Dharma is it covers ALL craving. Alcohol, drugs, food, love, sex, co-dependency, gaming, gambling, etc. So, I am addressing things I wasn’t even acknowledging, through meditation and acceptance.
Happy Saturday, good people.