Journey in Recovery using Buddhist Principles

I am starting this thread so that I can easily track my progress and journal my thoughts without clogging up the Checking In thread. A lot of powerful things are happening and contrary to the end game, my mind is swirling in tornado circles.

Today’s morning meditation was the forgiveness meditation. I started crying the first note of these words:

“I forgive myself for the ways I have hurt myself through action or inaction.” “I know I
have acted out of fear, pain, and confusion, and for today, I offer myself forgiveness.” “I
forgive myself.

Boom! Pain, sadness, regret. So much wasted time trying to bury myself instead of loving myself. I mean, I can beat myself up because I am not beating myself up enough. So…

Who knows where I’d be today if I didn’t go through all the “self help” and “empowerment” training I’ve done? It’s different to move on, to not dwell, to get past it, than it is to dig into it - meditate on it, feel it, investigate it.

This is a different journey than any of the others I have embarked on. In the past, I did go to Refuge Recovery and was intrigued with the process. However, there were only two meetings a week and only one I could attend. Now, I am attending two Recovery Dharma meetings a day and am blown away at the progress I am seeing.

For once I am looking forward to the process and not dreading it.

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Day 8. I feel like crap today. I was NOT tired last night - probably because I decided to smoke and the nicotine kicked in like caffeine+.

I sat in on a RD meeting this morning - talk about monkeys in my brain…for the love!

All I want today is everything RIGHT NOW. I want Zen, right now. I want peace, right now. I want understanding, right now. I want freedom from craving, right now!

That said, my mind was all over the place during meditation. I even began to compose what I would write in here while I was meditating. I was thinking, “You know what I should do after this mindfulness meditation? I should mindful journal.” And then proceeded to think about what I would journal as I was being mindful.

At least there is humor in the journey. Am I right?

More later. I am pissy as can be.

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Pema Chödrön is a great writer and her book “start where you are” is this beautiful idea and truth that we are in the now at all times and so we can be what we want to be at any given moment because we have it in us already.
:heart:

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Good morning to Day 9!

Last night, the last thing I wanted to do was sit in on a meeting. I was so tired. I didn’t think I’d make it through the meditation without falling asleep. Then a reminder notification popped on on WhatsApp, just as I had decided to indulge in a thoughtless Netflix original. (Just finished the 2nd season of “Selling Sunset”. Hey! Don’t judge! I’m watching for the houses! :rofl:)

So, I popped in, farm hair and all. Saturday’s host is so great and it’s an Inquiry meeting, which for AA people, is a bit like the steps.

The meeting:

2nd Noble Truth - Recovery Dharma Pg 14

We experience craving like a thirst, an unsatisfied longing, and it can become a driving force in our lives. If craving goes beyond simple desire, which is a natural part of life, it often leads us to fixation, obsession, and the delusional belief that we can’t be happy without getting what we crave. It warps our intentions so that we make choices that harm ourselves and others. This repetitive craving and obsessive drive to satisfy it leads to what we now know as addiction.

Inquiry: Recovery Dharma Pg 15

What things did you give up in your desire to cling to impermanent and unreliable solutions? For example, did you give up relationships, financial security, health, opportunities, legal standing, or other important thing to maintain your addictive behaviors? What made the addiction more important to you than any of these things you gave up?

BAM! I was drunk the first time 40 years ago, at age 11. Sadly, it was not my first drink. I came from the era when it was “cute” to watch your kid drink beer, or taste your cocktail. Well, after that first drunk I knew I could escape. I have done some really stupid shit but I haven’t really given anything up, except - ME. I have never known me and no one else has either. They know a version of me - a tiny piece. They’ve never had a full me. I see glimpses of her. I know she’s in there.

There’s a lot surrounding the number 40. I remember my 40th birthday. I thought “This IS the year!” I am FORTY!

There was something missing, though, after thousands spent on self-help and empowerment. Most of those courses teach you to OVERCOME your problems, not to sit with them, investigate them, dissect them, invite them to tea, and then kindly ask them to leave.

So, here’s to “forty years later”, after my first drunk; after the first day I started chasing the escape, after forty years of being less-than my authentic self (who is pretty awesome BTW).

One of the things I love about Recovery Dharma is it covers ALL craving. Alcohol, drugs, food, love, sex, co-dependency, gaming, gambling, etc. So, I am addressing things I wasn’t even acknowledging, through meditation and acceptance.

Happy Saturday, good people.

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This!!! Sitting with difficult emotions and problems …acknowledging/witnessing/feeling them, investigating what they are asking of you / how they are manifesting/feeling in your body and then allowing them to be…such important work!

Thanks for sharing!

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Day 11. Two straight weeks of sitting in on at least two Dharma meetings a day and immersing myself in dharma talks.

So much has opened up in my mind. I am thinking of incidents I have pushed really deep inside. It is clearing a rocky path through the forest of my life.

This morning the speaker talked about how our mental age stops at the age we become addicted. This I already knew. However, she has discovered that her mental age stopped far before as she was trying to navigate peace within her home.

It was a major aha! moment. I had an immediate flashback to 5-year old me, already knowing how to make a four-finger drink. This, as I grew, became a 3-finger drink, then as I was still older, a 2-finger drink. Two fingers whiskey, ice, and fill with 7-up. That’s still my father’s drink. Always a go-to gal, good grades, well-behaved, dependable. “Mommy can depend on you. Daddy depends on you. We have enough trouble with your sister, we need you to be good.”

I have a lot of work to do. I acknowledged a tiny bit of co-dependency…but alas! That shit is DEEP. Sooooooooooooo…damn deep. I am not going to lie. It’s scary and dark in there. Thankfully, this program is offering me a light to show me the way.

“May you be filled with lovingkindness.”
“May you be safe from inner and outer dangers.”
“May you be well in body, heart, and mind.”
“May you be at ease and happy.”

Namaste. - J

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Day 13.

A portion of today’s reading from book study:

I highlighted the words that hit me the hardest today. I am all about empowerment. I believe in God, AND my personal belief is that God grants/gifts us the tools to be and become better. I believe we have more power within than most of us will ever fully realize. Perhaps this is what some people refer to as their Higher Power within.

Through RD, I am realizing I have much deeper issues than I ever thought . Meditation can be a powerful paint thinner. It is removing all the layers of pretty colors I painted over my pain and failures. I am happy, in my unhappiness, because I see a path through it.

–Ours is a program that asks us to never stop growing. It asks us to own our choices and be responsible for our own healing. It’s based on kindness, generosity, forgiveness, and deep compassion. We do not rely on tools of shame and fear as motivation. We know these haven’t worked in our own individual pasts, and have often created more struggle and suffering through relapse and discouragement. The courage it takes to recover from addiction is ultimately courage of the heart, and we aim to support each other as we commit to this brave work. Many of us have spent our lives beating ourselves up. In this program, we renounce violence and doing harm, including the harm and violence we do to ourselves. We believe in the healing power of forgiveness. We put our trust in our own potential to awaken and recover, in the Four Noble Truths of the Buddha, and in the people we meet and connect with in meetings and throughout our journey in recovery. –

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Impressive comparison :slight_smile:

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I’m finally reading the book codependent no more while doing my recovery work too. I wasnt even sure why I picked it up after owning it for quite a while as I rarely read books lately except my recovery books. Once I started reading, it was like well…That’s why lol. That stuff stems from childhood and it goes deep! Perfect timing for my personal inventory.

So so so proud of you lady and reading all of this gives my heart the BIGGEST feelsies! Keep up the excellent work my friend!!! :two_hearts:

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