Just feel lost and alone

For about a year now I’ve been on this self destructive path. I recently lost the most beautiful and most important person in my life, and I’m just trying to adjust to not having them around anymore. I knew her since 9th grade, She was an addict like me, but she was smart, self aware and always trying to better herself (and me). But she was also broken, like me, and I think that’s why I liked her so much, because I could relate so well to the pain she felt. We did have a toxic relationship, we would break up and see other people but we always came back to each other, we were best friends over everything. Regardless of how fucked everything got, I was always there for her. Whether it was picking her up from the hospital after an od, or her totaling her car from drunk driving. That unconditional love that you have for someone. No matter what, We always promised eachother we’d make it and get out of that shithole town together.
She went to Rehab for about 6 months, and I went sober for 6 months. I wrote her almost everyday. When she finally got out it didn’t take long for us to relapse. She was home for maybe a month and she got sent back to rehab. I wrote her multiple times but never got a letter back. Finally one day I get a text… not a phone call but a FUCKING text, and she tells me how toxic our relationship is and how she needs to leave her past in the past and cut me off. And that was that. I felt like I lost everything.
Sometimes I feel like calling her or writing her, or maybe even just showing up so I can talk to her. But I don’t wanna be selfish, and i dont wanna fuck up the progress she’s made.
People say if you truly love someone fight for them, but also I want what’s best for her, and idk if it’s me.
So I guess my goal now is to rebuild my life, get better and get the help I need. Not for her but for myself, because I’m sick of being unhappy and staying awake till 4a.m. thinking about how I fucked everything up. I’m 24, I shouldn’t be feeling like I’m at the end of the road. I think rehab is my next destination.
Anyways sorry for the ramble I just had to type some shit out to get it off my chest. Thanks.


Hey there, first and foremost you need to work on you , without you being ok free of addiction and working on why you felt into addiction in the first place any relationship you try to build will be reuioned by your doc,THE SAYING GOES IF YOU LOVE SOMEONE ENOUGH YOUR LET THEM GO!!! I understand your in pain but she needs to move on like you said it was a toxic relationship in our circles that’s called codedenpency.your only 24 you have the rest of your life to meet someone fall in love get married have kids have a great job BUTTTTTTTTT BEFORE ALL THAT you need to get clean hit rehab and secondary give that 12 MTHS plus of your life and beleive me your be a new person with a new outlook.keep pushing forward.:heart:


Hey man, welcome.

I understand the pain and loss you are feeling right now. But you are doing the right thing by not being selfish. That part of you that wants to show up at her home to talk to her, that’s the addict, the Codependent part of yourself.

A huge part of early recovery is about people, places and things. We must change those things. We must let go of those things that are associated with using. I think it’s safe to say that you are one of those people. You don’t always have to be one of those people, but for now you are. I think she did the right thing, as hard as that is to hear. Now it’s time for you to walk that path in your own.

I truly hope that you can get yourself into rehab. This time, do it for you, and you alone. Focus on you, and you alone. Learn about yourself as an independent person.

Then way I’ve always heard the saying is, if you love someone, set them free. To me, this is about the ability to also let go of our toxic selves.

Stick with us here. We understand more that you know. Hopefully you can get into rehab and start shaping your young life into a brilliant future.