Just sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. Going through a white knuckle detox every other month after a 4 day binge (seemed to be triggered every other month) in a bottle (a bar-liter of Jim Beam a day) alone and fucking up my business client relationships and destroying my soul.
I used to, in my 20’s, be the managing partner in 3 taverns. As the law of diminishing returns dictates, by the time I turned 30 I was ready to get out of the industry. My partner in the bars moved to his ranch in AZ and drank himself to death in 2 years. He died of alcohol poisoning at 54 years old with $32 million in the bank. He was my investor, rich and board and looking for a hobby. I was just out of university and looking for an entrepreneurial foothold. Booze and bullshitting! Playing pool all night and seeing the sunrise from the back-end. Life as a party!!! A flame that burns twice as bright…
“The Life” didn’t server either of us we’ll in the end.
I had 10 years of sobriety after that. Then a very bad relationship and betrayal triggered me, and the bi-monthly binge drinking began. This time always alone. No friends, no fun, no shooting pool or telling lies to regulars. Just me alone with a bottle of bourbon till I black out - I would run 4 to 6 days full tilt throttl. Then an agonizing detox for a week till I felt human again. Repeat a month and 1/2 later. Rinse, repeat. Rinse, repeat. Rinse repeat.
I just turned 54. As old as my partner was when he set out to drown himself in vodka. Now I’ve got a good partner whose cleaning up with me. She’s an angel and we look out for each other. My best friend has been sober, in AA, for 5 years now. I’ve got support, motivation, and the will to succeed.
Welcome and well done for getting this far. Biggest step is acknowledging we got a problem and deciding to do something about it… All the rest is par of the course but it does get easier I promise.
Thanks and thanks for the welcome. Yea… I’m not expecting anything to be easy. When I owned/ran my bars, the only day I didn’t drink till drunk were my days off - 1 a week between 3 properties. I started managing the first bar (that I lived over while going to University of Ill Chicago) when I was 20 years old as I lied to my landlord when I signed my lease and a month later he gave me the keys to the tavern and taught me how to bartend.
I bought the building and bar from him when I turned 23. Bar #1. Drank every single day/night until we sold the 3rd bar when I turned 30. I’d had enough. When we sold that last place, me and 2 of my bartenders locked ourselves in the bar over the last weekend until the property legally changed ownership, and we drank every drop of booze behind the bar. Monday came, I signed some paperwork, I’m told cuz I don’t remember any of it, and gave up the keys.
From there I went cold turkey, and detoxed over the next 3 weeks in agony. I didn’t think I was gonna make it. It was that bad. After that I didn’t have another drink for 10 years. 10 beautiful, prosperous years.
Those 2 bartenders were brothers and my best friend of 14 years little brothers. They’ve both since committed alcohol related suicides. I’ve lost a lot to booze. Friends, family, clients, money, my craft (I was a writer) … my soul.
I’m back inside myself. My soul’s intact. Gonna teach it to soar once more. I’ve still got it in me.