On and off using for a year , always managed to keep up with uni and hide from people around me somehow ? I’m aware at now I’m pretending to be fine when financially , physically and emotionally feeling in constant turmoil. I barely keep things together , and every time I think I’m done a week or two later I’m back at a strangers place . I just need to feel like this is possible I’m 21 and at the crossroads of a great and terrible future and I’m scared I don’t have the power to set myself right
4 Likes
Gotta know what is Tina/Chemsex?
Is that a person?
1 Like
It’s a word for meth, and I hope you’re not joking - Chemsex is a mixture of drugs and sex that happens a lot and is pretty addictive
2 Likes
Copy.
Don’t know Tina but totally in love with Chemsex.
You kids these days in the slang. Didnt know there was a name for it but definetly knew I had it.
Yeah, my point of the post was to get over it - kind of not needing to hear how much people love it.
5 Likes
It’s sex binges which are fuelled by drugs. Mainly GHB, meth, mdma, coke and more I’m sure.
It’s a rising problem amongst the gay community, some call it SLAM parties. It’s very dangerous as not only can people OD, a lot of people start injecting as a result of this, it increases the risk of HIV etc also due to injecting and potentially sharing needles, the lack of inhibition also leads to promiscuity and risks associated with unprotected sex.
Thankfully I have never gone there, but know someone who has and he’s pretty messed up now.
You should try NA @Cb002 it will help you deal with the drug issues as well as the sex issues. In recovery we have to create a sane and sound sex ideal, not straight away but about half way through your program work.
I wish you well.
4 Likes
Thanks - I’m not doomed I know that I’ve managed to pull back from full blown junkie status to manage my life and keep up appearances it’s become more of a unpredictable urge that blows up in my face once or twice a month that is slowly becoming more frequent - I guess finding this site was just something to do when I feel vulnerable ?
1 Like
Sounds like you are totally ready then.
I honor your effort and send you white light! There is no reason to ever have to feel like that again.
It never has to feel like this again. Stay close to the board and find some local support. This app is a great place to be when you are home alone but I have fpund it requires more for me to stay clean.
A sober network of people all trying to get better together. Seeing faces everyday that count on you to stay clean and feel normalcy.
Stay out of negative mind. I always announce this
Alcoholism or any ISM is a mind parasite that feeds off misery for control.
I will never forget someone once asked me. “Pick your biggest fear. Tell me what it is.” At the time I had opwned a total failure of a restaurant and was about 70k in personal debt that I had no way to get out of. He said “Can you imagine if I wrote you a check and you could pay that debt tomorrow? Could you imagine that feeling?” He really harped on it. He kept going saying " Sit with it tell me what that feeling is like"
I said " Wow its totally amazing I feel so relieved!" Its like someone lifted a 100lb weight off my chest.
He said good " Then why dont you feel that way all the time?"
It shocked me hard. I realized the power I gave problems and the power I had to let them go.
Keep on keepin on.
3 Likes
Hmmm, the fact you keep ending up back there is the concern though, we all kept up appearances in whatever addiction we have been gripped by, inevitably it ends up blowing up in our face.
What is your plan to cut this out of your life for good? You know it doesn’t end well if you continue and it only has to go wrong once for disaster to strike.
My friend has HIV and is brain damaged now, he’s been raped many times and is a shadow of the guy he once was, many others have died from SLAMing, please be open minded to a recovery program, if you work it properly you can have a happy healthy successful life and leave this behind you.
2 Likes
I do appreciate for what your saying - and aside from some local support groups (by the way , going to a room of strangers and admitting a meth problem isn’t easy ) I can’t do any rehab or money paid facility - nor can I check out of my life and degree
l don’t need doubt in my head that I can’t do this or like , it’ll make it harder
I have met many men like your friend . I know the stories
1 Like
It was never my intention to create doubt, apologies if I did. I have no doubt you can overcome this.
I walked into a room full of strangers to admit my alcohol problems at 34 years of age and that wasn’t easy so I can understand your concern, what you will find though is a room full of people who understand your problem, they have all been there in some way, shape or form, and it’s free.
1 Like
The humble pue you have to eat now that tatses like regret will turn into humility and grace if you have the strength to walk through this.
I hated standing up for the first 30 but as a look back now it was all a necessary part of my growth.
I got to a point where although during rehab I stood up at every meeting when I got out and closer to my home I did it again.
Its how people get to know you. I could not see it then but I see it now. Its where the love started. Strange way to do it by totally embarassing yourself but it works.
New Mantra for the day.
CRUSH that EGO I mean squash that life sucking, thanks for sharing, always negative, never sees good, judges everyone, takes me to the lowest places, thinks its superior to everyone, lies at everycorner, poisons my good relationships, attracks the worst people, ruins my family, screws over my friends, shit talking, scared little boy in my brain. I mean like thanks for sharing your times up I think I may let someone else more positive take over the loud speaker in my head.
Just me getting it out 
Good Morning to all my West Coast Peeps
Today is another beautiful day to set an example.
2 Likes
I have 120 days clean today from the same thing plus heroin. I know how hard the struggle is Trust me. I’ve left my life many times and destroyed it for binges that turn into full out junkie mode. You have to have faith in yourself. You’re stronger than you think. You can do this!!! I’m here for you
1 Like
Tina as slang is meth, at least among gay men.
I hope you’re not joking. It’s epidemic in the gay male community.
Hey minifan hope you are well. Just managed 4 months from chemsex but relapsed for about a week. Gonna retry CMA meetings, need to find me a sponsor badly
Hey! Yes, doing well. I go to CMA every week. It helps.
Best to you. Thanks for reaching out.
1 Like
Vulnerable is where you start. The rawest most fed up version of yourself. Your list is very clear my friend. You want that emotional, physical, financial stability. It starts with an action. This is a good first action step. Next step is a calm reassessment of your current life status. What are things you need at this present moment? Of those things which are obtainable at this moment? A glass of water? A walk to clear your mind? That job your not sure you’d get? Slowly you will replace your thoughts with activities that will bring you the satisfaction you truly seek.
Keep your thoughts at bay and your actions close as you transition. They will track your efforts with tangible reassurance.
You can do this. Sending power your way✌🏾
2 Likes
Hope you are all doing well too. I mentioned I still am going to CMA meetings held outside here in Palm Springs California, since it’s warm enough pretty much all year round.
But I’m beginning to feel that cma does not work for me. The whole “we are powerless” to our addiction is pure bullshit to me. I am not powerless. And the strong constant reference to god or a higher power is a turnoff.
And there is never any feedback. You just do your 2 minutes share and a few hand claps at the end.
There is no professional thera8 to run the group, just other “clean” members with no exceptional skills to help.
Anyway, my thoughts. Best wishes.
1 Like
Yeah I know what you’re saying but if I wasn’t powerless then I wouldn’t be relapsing knowing that it’s only going to lead me in one direction, despair and death. So am giving it another chance.
I know it would be helpful if you could have more of a conversation than just doing a share but would be hard to control i guess.
My plan is to phone people after the group so I can have a chat with other clean people and at least have a support network of people I from the group who I can call when the going gets tough.
2 Likes