So literally for the past 5 and half months until Tuesday, I was feeling great, on top of the world, felt wonderful about my sobriety, everything was aces. Since Tuesday, I have really been struggling with my sobriety - it’s like it hit me in the fucking head like a ton of bricks. I haven’t had a drink - I’m not going to throw away 165 days. I’m frustrated. I’ve talked with my mom, my boyfriend, a friend in recovery who have recently slipped, and a professor that I trust. My boyfriend said that it sounds like I’m trying to talk myself into drinking.
In each conversation, I hear myself say two things:
︎ I’m in an amazing head space now. I have done so much self discovery through school and personal work, I am a different person than I ever have been. So, if I were to drink, I wouldn’t be sad, depressed, upset etc. (which I know is true because there was one other time in my life where I felt a similar way as I do now (but not even this good) and I was a happy, fun, silly drinker.) I did still drink in excess, but I was happy and fun.
︎ I want to prove to myself and to others that I can be responsible and drink socially.
The tone in both my mom and my boyfriend’s voice was what I percieved as disappointment/let down if my decision were to drink again. My mom thinks I’ve been doing so well, why do I even need alcohol anymore. My boyfriend doesn’t want to deal with the uncertainty of emotional ups and downs that used to be my MO.
I’m pissed off that I’m not drinking because I can’t rather than I just stopped of my own free will because it’s a healthier, better lifestyle choice. Like no, I stopped because at the time I was a complete mess.
I’m pissed that there is a negative association between me and drinking in the eyes of my boyfriend and mom. I don’t want that - I think that’s where the feeling of needing to prove I can be ok is coming from.
Now here I am thinking…could I have just one or two drinks and stop and be happy with that? Can I just drink socially? Why would I want to drink socially? What are the benefits of that? Is the problem that I’m getting bored with sobriety? Am I bored? Do I actually have a problem or was I just abusing alcohol? Why do I think about alcohol every day? Why is it so important for me to want to prove myself?
I’ve made a list of pros and cons. I’ve gone to meetings. I’ve reached out for feedback. Why am I feeling this way.