Entering a rehab facility was a sombre moment. March 9th, 2015.
Sign a few papers, agree to the terms and conditions of the treatment. Give your phone, wallet, medications, keys etc to be held in the rehab facility safe for the duration of your stay. 28 days.
You are now checked into treatment.
Doctor will see you. Entry assessment. Symptoms, if any, brief history of alcohol and drug use will be written down. Pee in a cup…drug test for what you have in your system. I have benzos and opioid in my system. Doctor says they will redo the test at some point.
Next an interview with the therapist. You talk about goals for treatment. You are explained what the treatment plan is like. What they expect from you. You are given a few books. A notebook and a workbook.
It’s a community treatment. Go meet the community. Alcoholics and addicts. Ages 18-80 (a rough estimation). You are assigned a “big brother” whose task is to show you around the facility and get you familiar with rules and customs.
In that workbook. There is a daily diary. On the bottom of the page there are emotions listed. About 30 emotions. sad, happy, hopeful, angry, resentful, ashamed, guilty, hopeful…etc.
Each day you were supposed to circle three emotions you felt during the day.
You graduate the treatment 28 days later. You’ve managed to identify your emotions on zero days of the treatment. The concept of emotions is lost to you. You’ve suppressed your emotions with alcohol for so long that you can’t fathom what does it mean to be sad. Or happy.
Each night when you handed your workbook to the staff, you’ve circled three emotions that you thought you were supposed to be feeling.
Fast forward some six years later.
I still remember how I felt during those days. I got my emotions back. Me emotions started coming back to me maybe four to six months after finally getting sober in early 2018.
Now I can name my emotions. I’ve been working on that. Today I’ve been baffled, angry, sad, frustrated, content, little scared, inadequate, ashamed, just to name a few. It’s been an emotional day.
This is my thread. This is how it begins. I hope I will get to journey through emotions in here. As well as remember the past and how I felt back then.