Every time I have struggled with some time of personal trauma or confronted with a circumstance that makes me question my self worth…I end up relying on alcohol. Multiple episodes in my life, breaks in between…but always have relied on the numbing distraction from myself and who I was or wasn’t.
This last two year binge has proven that I will allow myself to fall to my lowest point because inside I have come to believe that I am not worthy of better. I now am fighting those beliefs because after 1.5 bottles of red wine a night or more…or anything vodka…I am not able to fight off those worries and fears with alcohol. I wake up knowing it’s taking more to avoid and escape. And I’m well aware I’m not avoiding anything.
My ex-husband and his surprise hidden affairs years ago triggered a chain reaction that only recently am I trying to recover from. Tonight at 6 pm will be three days sober. Terrified of facing this alone, but I have to. Saturday night I put myself in a position that I am ashamed of as i have on so many nights in the past two years. I don’t want to find rock bottom…mine will be letting this time in my life kill me.
I can relate to your post as few times i have reached my lowest point I’m not proud of. Most of us have as alcohol /drugs changes our personality and alters our value system. This allowed me to reflect and grow and i do not wish to experience this ever again. 3 days sober is hard but shows you can do it! The exhusband bit must be devastating but i hope you can find something positive in this experience and grow as a person.
Isn’t it crazy how someone who you share your life with can turn your world completely upside down with infidelity. I understand where you are coming from. I lost myself for a long time. Almost lost my life (literally) because I let my partner’s infidelity crush me. Let me tell you something that has been very difficult for me to accept but very important:
His infidelity is NOT a reflection of your worth.
Some men just crave the attention, or the thrill, or whatever it is that drives them to cheat. I don’t know why I was treated like a useless being. Trying to figure it out is MADDENING. But it’s his issue to deal with now as he is no longer a part of your life. Don’t let his unforgivable behavior dictate how you feel about yourself. You are worth MORE than that.
Stay strong. It takes time to heal. Be kind to yourself. This forum is full of supportive people. Please know that you are a worthwhile human being deserving of love. You can do this! hugs