Hi I have a strong desire to get clean and live a life like that. Well here is the problem I am 36 years old and have been getting some kind of buzz since I was 12. The way it feels is that nothing is fun unless I have a buzz, I think my brain is wired that way because I been doing it so long. I am currently battling a meth addiction have been for years. When I am not on meth I always go back to alcohol.
I can totally relate to this. I’ve been doing recreational drugs (coke and pills) and alcohol since 16, my default setting is fun=getting high/drunk. Even if the settings aren’t exactly glamorous, whether that be the place or the company I’d keep when getting high.
I’m trying to change my mindset, as my perception of people who don’t get smashed being boring is wrong, and deep down I know that. It’s a long process, but it’s about re-tuning your thoughts about what’s actually enjoyable.
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I think that I some how need to learn how to rewire my way of thinking which ain’t easy don’t even know where to begin. Smoking my last bowl then the come down comes.
I have been doing some reflecting and realised that the problem for me was that I thought I needed to be drunk to have fun. I liked my drunk self better. Although only the bits I remembered! No idea what I was like on a blackout so I didn’t have to worry about that (although there were some pretty embarrassing stories but I just ignored that bit!).
Anyway, working out who I actually am and realising the fact that the good bits of Drunk Sian are actually also some of the good bits of Sober Sian really helped me. Like my drunk self didn’t define me, I do. I can have fun doing what I want and I have a much better idea of what that is now. Life is what you make it etc 
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I guess you begin by putting that shit down and take it from there. Others on this forum will have advice on dealing with withdrawal I’m sure. Lots of lovely and helpful people here!
Posted this on another thread earlier, it seems relevant here too:
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Like I was saying it’s not that bad for me to quit at first it’s staying clean longer than a month that I have a problem with.
Like you say it’s that rewiring I guess - what have you tried before? Can you pick out the things that didn’t work? Or what caused your relapses? I.e. is there anything you can prepare yourself for or try to do differently?
It’s still all single steps though, whether it’s the first, the fiftieth, whatever. It’s all part of the mindset shift. I have found meditation very helpful🧘
Eckhart tolle I have found helpful in YouTube. How we think and what we feel. Thanks for the thread. 
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Being meth is the biggest problem right now because I am a different person on it. I feel that my girlfriend of 4 years is so.e of the problem because we are Co dependant but at the same time I have had these problems before her. When I am getting ready to relaspe I don’t even stop and think what’s going to happen , I just act on impulse. I have been through a substance abuse. Program for six months while I was in jail but was forced . When I was I there I did take full advantage of it so I do have some knowledge on how to get sober. I have never fully worked the twelve steps or went to meetings on my own I think it’s time to get into them cause I honestly need help this relaspe has lasted 11 days and already lost my job. Last winter was terriable I was homeless a little bit of the time as well as I was shooting dope.
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Nothing changes if nothing changes! Sounds like you have had a rough time and it’s time to try something new to get onto a better path.
I would agree you cant keep doing the same thing expecting a different result.
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Hey how’s it going?
Not good been using everyday because I still got to work do i live. Me and my fiancée are trying again today, and I made a commentment to my self if I don’t make it I’m checking my self into rehab. I am just misrable I’m hate this shit I feel like a slaveto it only doing so I don’t withdrawl.
Great to hear from you! Glad you’re back here
Sounds like you need some extra help to get through this. Is there a reason that you haven’t tried getting to meetings? Or checking into rehab? Why wait for the next relapse? Like you said, you can’t keep trying the same things and expecting a different result! The fact that you’re here shows that you want to quit. Reaching out for help is a good thing. Meetings and rehab etc are a logical extension to that.
I don’t have experience with withdrawals or the detox process. @Englishd might have some sage advice or be able to tag in others that do…
Reason rehab is the last option is because I have child support obbligations and a apartment to keep. As far as meeting going to start that just got to get through the withdrawl stating to withdrawl now and got to go to work in 2 hours but I can make it been worse.
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Good luck mate, wishing you strength to get through it again 
Just cant give in but atleast my fiance is telling me no which is a new one. That whole codepency aint no joke.
I can only imagine… But great that she is saying no. How are you getting on today?
Find a therapist to teach you DBT - dilectal behavioral therapy. It teaches you how to retrain the wiring in your brain.
There is so much to do within the 12 step programs that are fun and you’re being of service… The biggest thing you need to think of first is getting out of self and helping others… That is number one… Number 2 get involved if you aren’t keen on the 12 step programs find something in your local community that you can help with… I coached a youth football team for 2 years and it was fun and beneficial for the teens in My area to keep them from making the same choices I made… 3rd there is this thing in AA called YPAA young people of AA its basically for younger ppl and young at heart to get involved and each state hosts events and conferences that are huge parties… I mean huge! You would think everyone was drunk or high we dance and fellowship and stay up all night and there are meetings 24/7… The next conference is the international conference of young people in AA and its in Baltimore over labor day weekend and it’s going to be epic… And at 36 your not old believe me…
In the beginning it takes a while to go out and be around ppl drinking and using just ease in slowly n drive your own car to events and when you get uncomfortable leave… Take a friend with you that is clean also…
I hope you can find some happiness bc being clean isn’t supposed to be miserable just stop thinking about you and think about others abd remember why you quit in the first place…