Learning more about myself

Wow.
Excitement (emotion) feels like a ‘perceived threat.’ (unsafe)

What an eye opener today.

Where does this come from?
Again creates the ‘urges’ of wanting to get high.

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Very good insight.
For me excitement means a keen awareness, but also a sort of impulsiveness which can lead to making decisions and acting in ways that are not intentional, which can be not so good for me.
Also, it can mean to be more aware of what we like and if we have been taught to feel shame for wanting or feeling a certain way, anything putting us forward is perceived as danger.

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@liv_m yes
Feeling taught shame for being excited as a kid. My mom used to pinch me all the time for that (telling me to stop). Excitement = pain

Thank you for hearing me.

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I was always pressed to show restraint, especially in regards to emotion. I also feel shame/guilt if I get overly excited or display some other outward expression of intense emotion, especially good emotions, like excitement, laughter, joy, etc. I must always do my best to play it close to the vest, hold back.
I made a post about it months and months ago, where I had an “outburst” of laughter from something on TV, like laughing until I couldn’t breath and my sides hurt – so should be an enjoyable thing, right? I never, ever laugh like that anymore. But I felt a great amount of shame after, shame for betraying my usually stony exterior. So I can relate to what you’re saying here, for sure.

Something I plan on discussing with my therapist, because I feel like I don’t give myself permission to truly and fully enjoy things.

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It’s great your aware of these feelings… and your reaching out instead of acting on them . Hopefully this will pass and you will keep learning and fighting through the cravings x

I think I will explore that too with my therapist too. Thank you for sharing your own story.

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Thank you @Natnat

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I agree with you on not enjoying things. I am in control of my own life but when its time to wind down I feel guilt. Guilt for watching tv, playing pool doing something I truly enjoy. this all seems to stim back on how we were raised. my mother is a work horse. There was never time to relax just constant work and if u tried to relax u were being lazy.

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Bingo. @Marie_Barnett right on the mark. Which brings us back to addiction.

Just perhaps that’s why we are addicts in first place? Because we were conditioned that relaxation was bad, shamed, lazy and all very threatening responses. In theory perhaps we want to numb those emotions and not feel ‘threated about relaxation’ so we treat the somatic/felt sense of emotion - we don’t have to deal with it.

I can see how that would resonate in my own addictions.

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The question is how does someone relax? how do you allow yourself that break from reality? I try, but every time I do I get back up and start cleaning, rearranging stuff etc. I would drink because it allowed me that freedom. I would sit down by the fire with a beer and lose track of the rest of the world even pass out and get much needed rest. now I even make myself feel guilty wanting an afternoon nap.

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I have learned the tools to help interocept the ANS and tap into that PNS parasympathetic nervous system. This is from my trauma courses I have taken and still taking. Realizing that it is only a procedural memory and I have been triggered.

I practice sometimes 100-500 times a day. When I react in that way I know I am on auto pilot.

simplify this? step 1

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Simplified Step 1
Any time you feel the ‘perceieved threat’ response - which I do. I practice these. Have to decide what works for you.

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