Every day I feel better, but once in a while slip into my old way of thinking. Especially when I’m bored. I have killed so many brain cells with alcohol and drugs that I am always somewhat embarrassed to post anything on here. It made me dumber.
I have these insecurities and worries, trust issues. When I was drinking a lot I was crazy with delusions that everyone I knew was somehow sabotaging me. I still once in a while feel like that, but am least able to now recognize it as irrational thinking. I overthink, and catastrophize with what-ifs.
This type of thinking has begun to go away, but still sneaks up on me. Especially in the area of my marriage… it’s the fear that I have screwed up so much that my husband no longer respects and loves me, and that there MUST be another woman or other interests. Gulp. I hate to share that, but it comes up sometimes and I feel the need to get rid of it.
I have 115 days today, still attend three aa meetings a week and daily reach out to my sponsor. I am working the steps and usually feel quite stable… I guess I just know that I’m not “there” yet, and more time will heal.
I truly believe that the alcoholic shoulder demon wants me to feel terrible about myself… but I must continue the path and load my arsenal. If I stop, it will win.
Lord I hear you! I definitely bashed up some brain cells with 40+ years of alcohol and drugs…lots of acid, mescaline, mushrooms, coke, ludes, downers…and just about everything else…but all that acid in the 70s bout did me in brainwise…plus the alcohol for so long. Man.
Anyway…I understand about the husband thing, it is any wonder sometimes that folks stick around…but often they do and once we are sober long enough and honest long enough, marriages can improve a lot. At least mine has. Mostly because I am not asshole drunk yelling at him or being a total jerk…among other things. As for another woman…well, it happens or doesn’t happen. But dwelling on it won’t help at all.
It sounds like you are working hard and that is good. You should be proud of what you are accomplishing. And you know, sometimes therapy is helpful for us to have someone to bounce things off of and tell stuff to…it can help build up confidence in ourselves…which is usually needed for addicts. And maybe help you get clearer on your fears.
Congrats on your 115 days…that is impressive and hard work, I know.
Keep putting it out there and working on being your best self. We all deserve happiness.
115 days is amazing. You are not alone in your feelings…many of us go through the same thing. Keep working hard, the best days have yet to come.
Thanks guys. I’m really thankful that I have some sobriety behind me as well as the program I’m in. I am more stable than ever and clear minded. I actually dont feel that bad. I love relating to other alcoholics and addicts, we are all similar in our thinking.
Also thanks for reading my rants. I used to be valedictorian and graduated college with honors, bla blah. Really none of that even matters now, because I’m not that person anymore. Life has changed and my perspective along with it.
So glad I’m a part of this awesome group!