Yea, you’re holding on to the drinking. The pain of change for you is too daunting to give up what you know is hurting you - but what you still trust more than the unknown you face in sobriety.
I had to make the same choice. For me, it was like going through the eye of a needle. There was nowhere else to go. I had realised that. It was super shit already. And it would only get worse for me if I didn’t turn away from drink.
You need to have this realisation for yourself. Maybe focus on that for now.
What helps some folks realise this is hear this story from other ppl. I would suggest you listen to some AA meetings. Or read the stories on here.