Life of Me


#1

Hey, im Courtney, addict & alcoholic. I have 18 months now and im getting pretty comfortable in my sobriety. Not wanting to say complacent, but comfortable. The saying goes, if youre not moving forward, then youre moving backwards. I feel im still moving forward. I guess im just bored.
So what do i do when im bored in recovery? I talk about what the hell is really going on… And I reach out and help someone else… The last thing id want to do is reach for the bottle or drugs. Guess thats why this past Sunday, i got a new sponsee. My Higher Power knows just what i need, when i need it. Funny how that works!
Also i have a job interview tomorrow morning to get a different job… This has been a long time coming. Because i pretty much hate my job that i have now. And i dont even get paid decent for the work i do. My wife and i both work full time and were still living paycheck to paycheck. So its time, for a positive change… Maybe if i get a better paying job, ill be able to start the family i always wanted.
Almost off work now, 8pm ill be off. Yea, im writing this and getting paid lol. Just not that much. Ill have my interview in the morning, so ill try to get a good nights rest tonight. Have everything ready for in the morning. So im not rushing around struggling to get out the door. Its funny, i use to be late for everything. Now that im sober, i like to be early. Weird how that happens… So many things have changed for me in sobriety. Like, i enjoy things i use to hate. Like spending time with my family. I know that sounds horrible, but i couldnt use around them, and thats all i was worried about was using… I can sit through a whole movie and not have to get up to go use in the middle of it. So i dont miss 20 min of the movie anymore because you know id have to use then smoke a cigg afterward. I quit smoking ciggs now which i never thought that would happen! I still have cravings but i get through them. My nephew is aloud to come stay the night at my house now. There was a point and time he wasnt even aloud around me. I was too high to even play with him half the time anyways. Now we play video games and watch movies, its great. I like photography. I just use my phone but it has a great camera on it… I enjoy things i just never thought i would… Sobriety is bringing me more and more everyday.
Whats some things you enjoy now that youre sober?


#2

Where’s the job interview at? I know you were looking in the recovery field?


#3

What I enjoy the most right now, you’ve pointed to it too, and @Amanda_Chaffins made a post about it recently and i really liked it : it’s clarity. Everything I do, now, I do it clear minded, wise open - behing able to feel things for real is amazing. When I have a bad feeling, I don’t have to act it out like I used too, I don’t just right away go get myself wasted to make it go away without even knowing that I’m trying to avoid something; instead I can be still in it, question it, understand it and make a decision about it. I got clarity and that’s my key to control my life back again.

So what do I enjoy now that I’m sober? Everything. Everything is better. But more objectively I like to be able to progress again, either in physical training/health and in reading and learning new stuff. Before that my life was constantly back on pause and rewind and I would not progress in anything.

Thanks for sharing this!


#4

Good luck with your interview! I have one today at 230. Good vibes for us.


#5

I interviewer for a call center for an electric company. The recovery coach jobs were all taken atm. So i had to look elsewhere. It was worth trying for though…


#6

Interview went pretty good guys, fingers crossed!


#7

I’d imagine there will be openings in the future for recovery jobs. I’m sure in due time the higher power will determine it’s time for you to get that job


#8

Im writing again so i can hold myself accountable…
Got to my interview this morning and sat at the table with 6 other applicants. I could tell everyone had a bit of nervousness to them because no one was even talking… So i casually walk in, sit at the table, and say hey guys, how ya doin… that seemed to lighten the moment some because then everyone started talking, thank god. Nothing worse than sitting at a silent table with strangers lol. So they call us back in a group and we start with a personality test. Which okay cool, i passed i guess lol. So i guess im not too fucked up in the head haha. Then a few other things and then we finally interviewed. Interview went really well. I gave examples for all the questions asked, and went on with my day. A 3 hour process but hell, i was only 15 min late for my current job, so that was nice.
Im sure my coworkers appreciated it, boss is a dick, so im sure he could care less. Its been a stressful day at work, were busy as hell and were short staffed on my shift. I work what we call night shift 11a - 8p, so it sucks. Weve been short staffed for 6 months now. So ive been doing the work of 2 people basially. I do have someone else working with me, but she doesnt even pull her own weight, let alone someone elses. And i really wish i was exaggerating about her not doing her share of work. But its true unfortunately. Id probably handle being short staffed better if she did her share. But thats a whole other story… Im short handed and dont get paid shit, so you can only imagine why id be looking for another job. Better paying job that is.
Work is about over. No meeting tonight, im too tired. And i know that no excuse, but im aloud to miss a meeting here and there arent i? Now if i was struggling to stay sober, id definately go, no questions asked. Because thats how not going starts. Im too tired, i want to see the wife, i this, i that. Im the queen of excuses lemme tell you lol. As addicts and alcoholics, i think we could come up with an excuse for anything lol.
So anyways, i got the job! And what do you know, backround check and drug test needed. My back round is okay… A DUI in 2013 but nothing on it that i wont get the job over… and for the drug test, cha ching… Im sober. Normally i would have been plotting and planning how im going to get clean pee and then how im gonna sneak it in the drug testing place, how i need to keep the temperature just right. Swooosh. What a reliefe! I mean, how much easier it is to take a drug test when your sober! Amen to that!
Have a great rest of your day guys! Stay blessed!


#9

That’s great!! Congrats :blush: I got the job as well.

I’m not sure, but I think you could miss an AA meeting :hibiscus:


#10

Congratulations on the job!


#11

Awesome! What job did you apply for?


#12

And yes, you are allowed to miss meetings. There’s been a couple days where I decided I wanted to get some extra miles on the bike rather than hit a meeting.

Congrats!


#13

It’s a PT bookkeeping position :blush:


#14

Awesome! Happy for you!


#15

Accountability log, day 3.
This morning started out great. I had coffee at my house with my best friend Addi. Addi and I go way back. We went to high school together and have been friends ever since. At one point we even used together, she got sent to prison, I got sent to rehab, so many years ago and have been close ever since. She occasionally drinks, I havent for 19 months, however she totally respects my sobriety. But our lives are completely 100% different today. Drugs are not a part of it what so ever. And alcohol isnt a big part either really. So it is possible to have a couple old friends, they just need to love you enough to respect what you’re doing ya know? Plus, I have a little sobriety, so being around someone having a drink with dinner doesnt really bother me. I’m so occupied with chatting and catching up, playing with the kids, that it doesnt occupy space in my head. Now, IF It did bother me. I’d either tell her or I’d leave, in a kind way, but I’d remove myself from the situation is my point. I’m not saying go hang with every using and drinking buddy you’ve ever had because then you’re setting yourself up for failure. I’m saying if you had one or 2 close real friends, then its okay IF the respect your sobriety… Big difference there. Anyways, I get to work at 11:30, walk into a mess. And my coworkers are just sitting on their asses on their phones. I dont mind if youre on your phone, hell, I do it. But if theres work to be done, do it first. Dont leave it for me to do because you’re too damn lazy to be doing your job! Drives me f*@king nuts! So I was mad, so I’m repeating the Serenity Prayer in my head. Reminding myself, 1 more month is all you have to go. Hang in there. You start your new job in 1 month.
Also, I made another huge decision today. I’ve decided to taper off my Suboxone. Yes, I’m on medication assisted treatment. Yes, I go to individual therapy, group therapy, see a psych, a sub doctor and go to meetings, have a sponsor, work the steps, etc. So I also do work to keep sober too. So for the haters, before you judge, ask yourself, does everyone recover the same? Am I wrong or not as sober because I’m not recovering like you? Rant over lol. But I’ve decided to taper off because I dont want to start off by missing days of the new job for these appointments any longer. I feel/think I’m ready to come off of it. Im st a good place in life and I think time… ive been on it 3+ years, that’s how long I’ve been off drugs too. I’m going to taper and use doctors orders. So I’m going to schedule an appointment and talk with her and ask her what she recommends. I made the call today! That was even a big step for me, just making the call. I’m scared as hell, but I know I can do it. I’ve done it in the past, I tapered myself off of it. The mental part, the Restless legs and no sleep were the worst part. So I’ll grab something for rls and a sleep aid and be golden. Just not sure what to do about the mental part. That’s the plan anyways lol. Has anyone else ever came off subs before? How was your experience? Please pray for me in this lengthy process…


#16

Day 4…
So this morning I woke up and made a call to the adoption agency, to see if my wife and I are eligible to adopt and cost etc. Its $38 to $48,000! That’s way way way out of our price range. If I had it, okay cool, I’d adopt in a heart beat. But we just cant afford to adopt straight out. Now she did say another option is foster to adopt, which is free. But it would be horrible to be fostering a child for years then all of a sudden them get taken from you… That would be so heart breaking. But, were willing to look into this as an option though. I just cant imagine raising a child and have to let them go. I would be devastated! My wife would be devastated! But were going to get information about it and go from there. I could carry, but it’s not my number 1 choice. My wife has a heart problem and it would be hard for her to carry. So well see, hopefully sooner than later. I’ll keep you guys posted…
Work was okay today. But I sure am glad I got another job lined up! Start date is July 16th as long as my backround check comes back in time. And the drug screen, which I’m sober so no worries about that one… I did want to give work a month notice because were already short staffed. Maybe then would my boss hire someone! And my other co worker is going to be off for surgery, it’s a cluster fuck right now at my job. Weve been short handed for over 6 months. I’ve been doing 2 peoples jobs, well trying to anyways. Then when we dont get everything done at night, our morning crew complains… they dont appreciate when we do do a good job, like going above and beyond… I’ve been thanked 1 time and I’ve been working here a year and a half. Now, I’m not saying praise me for my job, no, it’s my job. But thanks Courtney for doing 2 peoples jobs would be nice every now and then. Enough Enough bitching though, sorry lol.
I spoke with my suboxone doctor today and she gave me the okay to taper down! So that’s good news. Is willing to work with me and everything. So tomorrow I will start tapering down. Scares the hell out of me, but nothing I havent sobe before. So we shall see how it goes!
Hope you guys have a great evening and good weekend! Stay blessed!


#17

Day 5 of accountability log.
First day of the weekend. Did some Step work with my new sponsee this morning. Shes already ahead of Step 1, but the Steps are in order for a reason, ya know. Speaking of the Steps, they have changed my life. Not only helping me with not drinking and drugging, but helping me in everyday life. Dealing with people. The “whys” of why I kept relapsing and doing the shit I was doing. The idea that 12 Steps could change my life, was impossible at first. But it was the kind of thing like dont knock it until you try it type thing. I was just lazy in the beginning and didnt find a sponsor and I sure as hell wasnt working any Steps! I wanted to do it all on my own. Well I can tell you I relapsed over and over again. 6 inpatient rehabs, 5 detoxs, 5 iop’s, many meetings, and seeing couselors/therapists. I still relapsed. Alcohol is cunning, baffling, and powerful. Without help it is too much for us. That’s what the Big Book of AA tells me. And boy had it been true for me. So I started going to AA and took suggestions. I got a sponsor, worked the Steps with my sponsor, went to meetings. Hell I went when I didnt want to go. And it’s been working. I’ve also been on suboxone for 3.5 years now and I’m starting to taper off of it. I just didnt have any reason to come off it before now. It’s been working! For me, it was if it’s not broke, dont fix it. But now I have my reasons to come off of it. Plus I’m finally at a good place in life. Yea, I have my struggles, but that’s ok, Who doesnt. I’m going to be okay. It’s more mental for me than anything honestly. I’m an addict, withdrawal scares the hell out of me. Even though I’ve gone through it many times in the past. It still scares the living hell out of me. So tapering down is the way to go. Hopefully i wont go into w/d’s. But I cant ne putting unrealistic expectations on this either. I may or may not. But if I taper down within 6 months, I should be off of it completely. I dont know, I’m going to work my program and take it one day at a time.


#18

Day 6 of accountability log
Today is fathers day, so I spent some of the day with my dad. Dad and I relationship can get rocky sometimes, but hes my dad at the end of the day. Someone that has loved me unconditionally through thick and thin. I havent always been the easiest to get along with either… So I’m definately no angel by any means. But my family and I went out to eat for all the fathers, like my brother, cousin. And uncles, big family, and had a nice time. I also text and called a couple friends to tell them happy fathers day.
I went to a noon and a 6pm meeting today too. They were good meetings, especially the 6 o’clock one. We talked about how you can have a good life outside of drinking and druging. Which it really can! I needed help though and could not do it by myself. No matter how hard I tried, will power did not suffice. I tried this way, that way, and my disease just wasnt having it honestly. I needed someone to talk to when my mind was telling me using/drinking was a good idea! I should throw this out there. I have 3.5 years off drugs, and 19 months off alcohol. When I tell people my sobriety date though, its December 21, 2016. 19 months. So I ended up getting in a fight with my cousin today. He said some really hurtful things to me. The conversation ended with me telling him to never talk to me again. That he disrespected my wife and I both. That I’m blocking his number. And that was that. It was hard to do, because me, I wanted to sit there and continue to argue and get my point across. But I know better today. It’s not going to get me anywhere! So I was so upset I was crying and of course called my mom and talked to her about it. That’s he nephew so she knows him pretty well. And I got reminded that hes sick and just trying to say things to hurt me. The sober him would never have said the things he said. So I called my sponsor this morning and spoke with her about the situation. So I feel a little better about it. I’m going to pray for him and to help me forgive him…


#19

Just saw this. How did your interview go?


#20

Never mind. Saw this! Congratulations!