Wow! What a weekend! Friday a drinking buddy of mine posted on my Facebook asking if I was going out that weekend. I felt angry and I don’t know why. She was one of my friends that I intentionally blocked from contacting me. She doesn’t know I am wanting to stay sober. I will have to ponder that one. Anyways, I replied no and that I rather spend it with my kids. She then asked if I was ever going to go out again. I didn’t respond and didn’t have to because other people joined in the conversation. Honestly, I didn’t want to answer because I can’t predict the future. All I can do is take one weekend at a time. Despite this, I felt confident I wouldn’t be going out.
On Saturday my kids absolutely were driving me crazy. Making messes around the house, bickering at each other…mom! So and so did this and that! Mom! Lol In that moment, I felt like drinking, but literally talked out loud to myself that the reason why I wanted to is because I felt so stressed out. So I told myself I need to find another outlet besides drinking.
In the evening on Saturday my family and I celebrated my grandmas 102nd (!!! woo hoo! Wow!) birthday. At dinner, a few family members shared a bottle of wine. These particular family members don’t know I am trying to stay sober. Later my mom was asking me if I was triggered about it. I didn’t really think I was because I am not a wine drinker, but I couldn’t stop thinking about how I can never have alcholol again and it was such a scary and weird feeling. I also couldn’t stop watching how many glasses of wine each one had and how I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t just stick to 1 or 2.
Later that night, a old friend of mine that I used to party with several years ago replied to a post I had previously made on Facebook. The post was this.
She replied this is why she stopped drinking years ago. This was kinda a weird thing for her to say and I kinda found it offensive. Almost like she’s trying to prove something to me, but I don’t know what. Again, she does not know I am trying to stay sober. I proceeded to tell her that was great and said good job. She then replied and said thank you and that she doesn’t miss it at all. No hangovers and wasted money are a plus for sure.I replied and said those are two of the many benefits to stay sober. She then replied the most important is her beautiful son. I didn’t reply and just liked her comment. Again, I felt she was trying to prove something. She does know about my past with my oldest son. I was hurt and really felt in that moment I wanted to drink, but quickly focused back to my movie I ended up watching.
On Sunday, I decided to clean my closet and came across old pictures of my sister, nephews and niece and my kids. Even a children’s book I wrote in high school. It was a very moving and emotional time. I felt like the characters in the book were my sister and I. At the time I wrote it, I wasn’t intentionally writing about us, but now I think subconsciously I was.
A friend of mine who happens to be an addiction therapist mentioned to me most people relapse when a perfect storm hits. All these events start snowballing and bam you relapse. So I decided to journal it on here as an outlet.
2 Likes
It kind of sounds to me like your friend was reaching out a bit, like she knows what you’re going through but didn’t want to embarrass you by coming right out and saying it?
3 Likes
@AnewDay I didn’t think of it that way. Thank you for your input.
She doesn’t usually respond to my posts, but did on that one. I did think about messaging her privately to let her know I am trying to stay sober, but haven’t decided. I might need to wait until I am a little stronger and confident. Thank you for that response.
1 Like