I have been sober for, maybe, 2 months? I have not been counting and I think my counter on this app was off. I reset it today. I don’t even want alcohol any more but I cannot always run away from myself and I cannot stand myself for good reason. So I sleep my time away. All day, all night unless i have to do chores. Yesterday I couldn’t sleep, not even with medicines to make you sleep. My mind explodes with guilt and sorrow. I drank a pint of rum. For some reason all of that did not make me drunk. Or even tipsy. Nobody knew. It dulled my mind nicely though, but next day I felt horrendous . If there is anyone who can relate to wanting to escape themselves, and how they cope, I would be grateful.
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Answer for yourself - what are you willing to do to stay sober?
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Whatever it wou.d take (if moral of course.)
Go to a meeting of recovery, see doctor for advice on depression. imo 
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Speaking for me…I stopped escaping and faced life eye to eye. Wasnt fun in the beginning, t took a lot of help, bit worth it.
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I had to surrender and ask for help. I found that help in the rooms of AA. They suggested 3 things for a successful recovery- honesty, open mindedness and willingness.
I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror, I walked into the rooms and those people told me (and showed me) that they would love me until I could love myself. They accepted me and worked with me. Now, I can look at myself in the mirror and honestly say I love the person looking back at me, flaws and all.
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For 30 years I knew what I was doing was incorrect for my life. I have been on this forum since 2016. Before now, my max was 90 days. I use meetings, books, podcasts, forums, self-talks, lists of whys, lists of what’s happened, lists of people who do better, lists of people who don’t - more and more and more.
I have a group of people who still want me to drink. They drink a lot and say it’s better for me. You know it’s not. Science knows it not. Bodies know it’s not. You keep trying and you keep fighting with it. It honestly is only given strength by the person who uses it - not by marketing, not by family, not by friends, and not by strangers.
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I am so sorry to read about your struggle, @DaughterOfTheSea 
For me personally, it was very important to explore if I was depressed because I drank or vice versa.
Now that I have gone through almost 2 years of life while sober, I can honestly conclude that depression is something I struggle with regardless of alcohol. I also know now that I need to work as hard on my depression, every single day, as I do on my sobriety.
Please do tap into mental health professionals as and when available, there is absolutely no shame in that or indeed needing medication on an ongoing basis. Last but not least, try and catch a bit of 
every day, vitamin D works wonders for my darker moods 
Hope that helps, always happy to talk/share more!
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I step outside and remind myself of who I am. Like @Lisa07 mentioned there was a time I couldn’t even look myself in the mirror too. Im now proud of the person I’ve become. I hope one day you can look back and feel the same way. Stick around this is a great place to be! 
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Try a meeting might help wish u well
Great reply great share 
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More specifically, what did you not do that may have contributed? Would you go away to a rehab? Would you take Antabuse? Would you go to AA twice a day?
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I myself slept sooo very much at the beginning. I let my sleep for months (every chance I got) as I knew it was a) what my body needed to heal and b) much safer than me being awake and possibly caving. Then like an off switch - I just couldn’t sleep for the life of me. It was crazy insomnia. I tried everything I could think of and still nothing. This is a cycle of sobriety (I’m seeing many people going through this and know how hard it is – it DOES get easier if you stick with it).
Drinking to numb ourselves or to pass out cause we are just that exhausted and just need to sleep will NEVER be the cure. Drunken sleep was always horrible. Yeah I passed out but I woke up within hours and felt shittier than before. Remind yourself of this feeling when your mind tries to convince you of going this route
I meditate, pray, scream, cry, laugh like a mad woman just to get through the moment at hand. I know that this is temporary. Going back is not an option cause I would have to repeat the process. I still have sleepless nights but nothing compared to the early days
Write down all the reasons you want sobriety. Write down all the lies that your mind will push when moments get tough and urges rise. Keep this handy and read it daily. Stay connected here and with what support you have in real life.
Proud of you for resetting the timer …ODAAT!
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Addiction, mental illnesses, general life situations can be so intertangled it is hard to know what is what. Reducing the things going on can help you understand what is affecting what.
You have to get sober first. Take that confounding variable out of the equation. It gives you reasons to hate yourself, messes up your internal balances etc. Don’t beat yourself with a stick you made yourself. Lots of info here how to do that. Meetings, journaling, checking in here. I hated myself when I was drinking. Of course I did, I was behaving terribly.
You also need to figure out what is internal and what is external. What is your brain chemistry and what is your life choices. Talk to a doctor. Make what changes you can to your life to improve mental health and self-esteem. It is ok to use medication for a while to help you. (It is also ok if in the end, it turns out you need to stay on it). I was on medication for a while, got sober, got a good routine going. Stopped the medication. I don’t hate myself the way I did when I was drinking, but I sure don’t like myself much either most of the time. Having any kind of self-esteem at all is a very conscious effort. I have to actively notice the things that I am doing (self esteem comes from esteemable acts). I very easily fall down the hole of I am crap at being alive and everyone is better than me; at work, being a mum, being a person. It is still a work in progress, and it took years to get even here.
Sorry, that sounds negative, but quitting drinking and getting a sense of self-respect made me feel a lot better in the beginning. Focusing on what I can do for others, even little things like modding on here, help a lot. Feeling proud of looking after my body by not giving it poison and feeding it and moving it also helps.
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This works for me too but I wouldn’t consider it ‘normal’ - plenty of people have plenty of self esteem without needing to constantly prove their self worth to themselves (or indeed others!)
Having a plan and a goal is essential. Not only for sobriety but for any other aspirations in your life. Set a goal unrelated to sobriety but linked to an aspiration and focus heavily on achieving that goal. Start small and build yourself up. The gratitude you will experience is unlike anything else.
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I was sober for 70 days until I relapsed. Now I’ve been without booze for 20 days and without pot 1 day. I feel so shitty right now, I really hate myself… but I know these feelings will pass as time goes by. This disease is so horrendous, it takes a lot of patience and effort to get through early sober days. You can do it again, you got this.
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Getting rid of the pot has made my drinking sobriety so much easier.keep at it 
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Thank you! Yeah, smoking pot is just another addiction, a vehicle to escape the reality.
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