I met a friend a couple weeks ago in AA. The first friend I’ve made in a long time that I actually liked. Well I fucked that up by telling her something in a moment of anger and now she isn’t speaking to me. She blocked my messages. I told her before she blocked me how sorry I am and that I need her as a friend and it brought me back to every time I’ve ever had to beg for a man to stay in a relationship with me or every time I begged my mom to stop doing drugs come live with me but she never did. I’ve always been cast aside like
I don’t matter my whole life I’ve never felt wanted. I’ve never had many friends. If I did have people to hang out with it wasn’t long before they realized they didn’t like me. I’m literally falling apart right now and I can’t get out of bed because of this. I miss my friend. But she doesn’t give a crap out me. And that makes me feel like I’m that little girl again who nobody wants to be friends with. I had to have my husband stay home from work today because I was so beside myself. And I had already asked him to take an early day yesterday. I’ve cried more about this chick than I have for many guys I dated which is really weird. I don’t know why I care about her so much. I hate my self and I hate my life right now. And I swear to god if my husband goes back to work tomorrow I’m probably going to drink. Seven days until my year btw.
Hey Mae,
Sorry about the falling out.
People are human. They’re imperfect. I’m imperfect. You’re probably not perfect either. I have felt those feelings so often in my life that I have contemplated suicide more times than I can count.
The best thing that I did for my recovery was finding a sponsor. It was fucking hard. I don’t have face to face meetings and each person I called either declined or flaked out. I relapsed a few times and used those people who flaked out as an excuse to relapse. “If no one cares enough about me to be my sponsor then I’m never going to get better.”
It was just an excuse from my addict to act out. What it comes down to is, I didn’t care enough about myself to do anything it took to find recovery. I took the comfortable path right back to addiction. I conveniently forgot about all the damage I’d done in addiction. I gave up on myself long before anyone gave up on me.
Don’t take her reaction to you personally. Don’t take your partners actions personally. Don’t take anything personally. It isn’t your business what anyone thinks about you. You’re great and have limitless potential. Do what you need to do in order to see that. Right action changes our perception of ourselves. Our humanity allows for mistakes. Our enlightenment and abstinence helps us to grow. I have faith in you, I believe you’re worthy. But it doesn’t matter unless you believe it too.
I’m sorry you’re going thru this. I havent had any close girlfriends since I graduated high school 16 years ago so I can understand how important that is. Not being able to go to my meetings, especially my all ladies group, is crushing me. I’ve got a couple numbers and my sponsor but I’m not really close with anyone at the moment. And my relationship is crumbling since I’ve quit drinking bc he still does and I’m having a hard time being at home, where I am now stuck with nothing to do but argue most of the time hes here(which will soon probably be all the time). Be grateful you have your husband and this platform. I’ve been back here much more than I have been recently. Venting helps me at least. Keep doing that before your urge to drink gets stronger. You know exactly what will happen if you do. A year is huge. Dont blow it over some girl who doesn’t have it in her to forgive you right now. I’m sure she’ll come around and if she doesn’t, its probably her own defects preventing it. Take care of yourself. That’s so important right now. Stay strong and do something that can relieve a bit of your stress. Coming up on a year, you deserve it. All the best 
I’ve never been good at frienships. They just drain me too much but I am making an effort to try to make some program friends.
I don’t think it’s this girl so much that is bothering you as it is what it brings up for you. You seem very in touch with what it brings up for you and that is really great. I know it doesn’t help in going through it but that kind of self awareness is what this program is all about I believe.
I believe in you please don’t blow it this close to a year. You have us here in this forum and that’s got to be something. I am also glad you have your husband. I am fortunate enough to have a support of one as well and I know how valuable that is. Go to In the Rooms and see if they have some are mine meetings you could get involved in. I believe they have run for all women tonight at 7:00 p.m… I’m pulling for you please check in here often.