Losing a Friend

Hey everybody, this is my first post here. I’ve been using this app for a couple months and just realized there’s a forum last week.
I’m comin up on 4 months sober, which is the longest I’ve been clean in about 7 years. Everything’s been going about as smooth as it could be up until yesterday.
A good friend of mine, one of my best friends, that I’ve known since 6th grade committed suicide on Sunday night. I woke up to a phone call yesterday morning and was told what had happened. I knew my friend was struggling. The last time I talked to him was on Saturday. He told me he wasn’t doing to good. That there was a bunch of stuff “eating him up and killing him inside”.
I tried to convince him to come meet me at this event we have in MN called gopher state round-up. It’s a huge AA convention that usually has 7-8k attendees every year. I bugged him about it for a bit, but he kept saying no.
The last message I sent him was “work the program dude”, and his reply, the last message I ever received from one of my best friends, was “Lol”.
We used together. For a while. I’m the one that got him his first bag of heroin. And for the next year or so after that we did and went through a lot of shit together. We fucked each other over a few times, but always ended up hanging out again. He got clean before I did, he detoxed in jail and stayed clean afterwards, as far as I know. A little while later I went to detox and inpatient, now doing the whole outpatient and sober house thing, but that’s not important.
I’m really struggling with this. I’ve lost friends before, but nobody that I was this close to. I feel like I could’ve done something. I knew he was hurting. And if it wasn’t for me, maybe he would’ve never tried dope in the first place. He was already an opiate addict. But heroin brings everything to a whole new level.
This all happened so suddenly. I can’t even imagine how his family is feeling. His mom, who found him Sunday night. They all were probably so happy and proud of him for being off the shit, then this happens. And they can’t even afford a funeral right now.
He left a note, which the cops have right now. I’m sure his mom will get it back, but at this point I have no idea what it says. He also pinned a quote to the wall in the room he did it in. Something about "It doesn’t matter how many times you fall, just how many times you get back up"
I guess I’m mostly just venting here. I’ve talked about this a little bit in meetings and in my group at treatment. But it’s a lot easier to type it all out than it is to actually say all of this.
Thank you to anyone who read all of this, and I’m definitely open to feedback.

1 Like

I am so very sorry for your loss. I can understand the mixed emotions. Congratulations on 4 months sober! Please don’t use this as an excuse to relapse. Your buddy wouldn’t want that I’m sure. Welcome to the forum. Search around. Many of us have lost people and can share valuable insight. Stay strong! :heart:

1 Like

I’ve been through the same scenario when I was still in active use. There’s absolutely nothing I could have done. Same with you. I’m sorry it happened man. I know your pain but you can’t let this eat at you.

No matter what we don’t use.

3 Likes

Thank you. I definitely thought about using. I went to a meeting last night and that helped some. And when I got back to the house, one of my house mates was being carried into an ambulance on a stretcher. I guess he had overdosed while i was on my way home from the meeting.
I took that as a message. It’s not worth it to use.
I still don’t know what condition he’s in, but it didn’t sound too good.

2 Likes

I’m out of likes but I want you to know you are doing better than most people would in this situation. I lost a friend last week. I don’t think we were as close as you were but it’s still tough. I did a lot of praying. It sounds like you work a good program so rely on your higher power and whatever else got you here.

I will keep you in my prayers.

2 Likes

You dont wanna be another statistic. Your 4 months clean if u used today like u did as an active user u will od. This is definately another reason that im scared to pick up a needle again. Sometimes god takes the good ones early ive had a few friends pass away over ods. But today You still can give knowlege n help and try to help other addicts with your stories. People that are not ready for recovery can not be forced it has to be wanted. I try to help any addict i can that wants help…

1 Like

While not the same in scope, I had a similar experience. I smoked a bunch of weed back in the late 70’s and early 80’s. My cousin, a year younger than me, smoked for the first time with me, in 1981. In 1983, I quit all that, and joined the Marines. He went the college route. A couple of years later, my sister told me he had flunked out of college, was kicked out of the dorm, and owed a bunch of money to a drug dealer for coke. His folks put him in rehab. He straightened out, went back to school, was in banking for a bit, and then became a school teacher. About 10 years after I had last seen him, I saw him at my sister’s wedding. I told him I was sorry for offering him that first joint. He said “don’t be. I was an addict. If I hadn’t first used weed with you, I would have with someone else.”

Personal responsibility. We names our dance, and we pays our price. Suicide is a permanent solution to what is most likely a temporary problem. If he was really tired of living, no amount of persuasion on your part would have changed it. As far as him using, while you may have turned him on to H, he was already a drug user before hand.

I am sorry for your loss. If you want to honor your friend, volunteer to help keep it from happening again. Volunteer for a suicide prevention line, or become a counselor. I pray you find peace with this.

3 Likes

Thanks everybody. I appreciate all the input. I will be ok. I’m gonna keep doing what I’ve been doing and try to keep my head up. A bunch of us that were close friends with him at one point or another are getting together this weekend for a little memorial thing. I’m writing something to read to everybody there. I think it’ll be very therapeutic, and take me out of my comfort zone. I have terrible social anxiety and hate speaking in front of crowds.
Also, an update on my house mate. About an hour ago I found out he didn’t make it. They had him on a ventilator, but he was out for too long. He had pretty serious brain damage. So his family went to the hospital to say goodbye, and took him off the ventilator. Definitely a reality check. All it takes is that one time.
Thanks again to everyone .

Thanks for sharing. There’s a lot of people here who will benefit from reading this. For a lot of us recovery is life or death. I know it is for me.

Stay strong friend.

I’m really glad you reached out here. I am so sorry for your lost - and for the tragedy you witnessed today. I can only imagine all the feelings this must bring up for you. You sound like you are keeping a really level head in the hardest of situations. I’m newly sober and have no words of wisdom, but I’m thinking of you and praying for strength and peace for you over the days ahead. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

I’m so sorry for your loss and I do want to thank you for sharing. It’s absolutely heartbreaking for those of us that are left behind!! Hugs friend.

We also lost someone not long ago, she was pregnant and clean for a long time. Had a fight with her boyfriend, used heroin for the first time in forever and they found her passed out in the bathroom floor. She was kept alive long enough to deliver the baby via c section, months early, and then everyone had to say their goodbyes. The baby luckily made it. My close friend lost his father not long ago, by his 50’s he ended up literally drinking his brain totally away. My dad thought he was ok to drive home and died on his way home from the bar…Hearing those ambulances go by from my friends house miles away I KNEW it was going to be bad and close to home at age 13 and I still remember that to this day. I’ll never forget it. My aunt turned totally yellow with liver failure as she died from it. Her eyes literally looked like bright yellow insect eyes from the movies.

This stuff and these addictions are no joke. If you’re reading this, struggling with one and need help with your addictions, reach out and get the help you need so your family and your friends aren’t going thru this before it should be your time. Please. The pain that remains with the innocent victims of these addictions lasts a lifetime. You can do this. Reach out and do whatever it takes to change your patterns. Be the change you wish to see in the world. You are worthy of truly living this life and you can do it, one day at a time.

This is exactly why I got sober, to allow my son to grow up with his mother around and not recreate the same pattern again. I’m worth it. He’s worth it. And I plan on doing a whole lot more living to make up for lost time.

Again, I’m so sorry for your loss.

3 Likes

Praying for you. This is not your fault.

1 Like

Tonight I’m thinking of you, your dear friend and housemate. :heart:

1 Like

One of my best friends was killed yesterday … I totally understand how you feel. I’m so sorry for your loss. I send you a big hug.

2 Likes

I’m so sorry to hear that :frowning: I hope you’re doing ok. Well, the best that you can be anyways.
Thanks to everybody that replied. It means a lot.

My heart breaks for you reading this thread. I am so sorry. I had a friend commit suicide the first time I was sober, I was at 3 months. I thought about drinking again but I knew it wouldn’t help, only make things worse. Theres nothing anyone can say that will make this any better but I am happy that you really happy you reached out and you are continuing sobriety.

Stay strong, my friend. I am so very sorry for your loss.

1 Like