There aren’t any SLAA meetings around where I love. How does the message group work? Do you guys send emails or texts? Is it on this app? Yes please add me!!
Tinder is my absolute bottom, I can spend an hour just swiping and after I feel like crap…
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Sounds like you need to just cut them off then…
I’m concerned about your words being taken as discounting the experience of the many people who deal with love addictions, or suggesting it’s not a real issue. The bottom line is that it’s an identifiable pattern of compulsive behaviour that takes care, effort, and support to move past, like any addiction, which is what we’re here for.
As a side note, I would point out that the DSM is a manual for physicians, and is not intended to be the arbiter or exhaustive list of what is or is not a disorder. Whether or not love addiction is a medical disorder is a tangential discussion, in my humble opinion, when it comes to recovery.
I’d like to share what I know of love addiction to help explain, but really it’s not in my lane, so it’s probably better for someone else to do that, rather than the blind leading the blind. The curiosity is good, we can all learn from the questions asked 
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Thanks @lfs I couldn’t have said it better myself
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Hi, welcome welcome. Glad you’re here! So much has been said already so I don’t have a whole lot to add. I fit in to the catergory of sex/love addict, constantly looking for that next high of falling in “love” and being obsessed with that other person. Trying to fill that void that I have.
When I was dating and I met someone new, who I am went out the window. I would find out what she liked, and I would be into all the same stuff. Only it never worked because it was all fake. I could not have a healthy relationship because I would get resentful that I was doing this stuff that I didn’t really like to do, just to feel “love”. But since I was lying about who I am, to her and myself, she never could love me. And it always ended the same.
As you know there is no filling that void with someone else; it just doesn’t work. I have to learn to actually Love myself. This I am slowly doing. About a year ago my wife and I separated and I thought it was the worst thing possible. Over the last year I have learned to 1. Be alone 2. Take care of myself 3. Make real friends. I am still married and still faithful but have had the freedom to do what I like to do, which I think is the best part of being alone, plus I’ve learned a ton about who I am and I’m really starting to like me.
We are working on mending our relationship and fixing the toxic/ Codependent parts.
I wish you the best. I hope you can find the love within that will fill your void. Take care.
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To add…the DSM V, has had critics since it came out…critics that are in the field.
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Who I am goes out the window that’s so funny I can totally relate to that like 100%. My issue is exactly that I’m never authentic I always pretend or try to be somebody that I think the guy would like and love.
I put myself in long distance relationships because if I do weekend dates once every two weeks or three weeks I can easily maintain the fake persona for two or three days and then I come home and I can take a deep breath and relax and be myself by myself.
I’m also a depressive so for me the high that you mentioned the adrenaline that comes with a relationship is incredibly addictive. I used to seek out drama in relationships I don’t do that anymore. But for me love, and another person’s approval (see: unresolved childhood issues) is still a rush that is exactly like a drug and it pulls me out of my depression so in the way for my brain it’s like short lasting cure.
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I do believe people can be addicted to “love”, albeit what they are addicted to isn’t “love” as I have learned to understand it.
Who hasn’t experienced that rush when you meet someone that you find attractive, especially when young? Who hasn’t experienced that flutter when someone expresses desire for you? I have, on both counts. It feels great.
Who hasn’t experienced that feeling of contentment when the one you desire reciprocated? I have. It feels great.
Who hasn’t experienced that visceral ache when you are away from that special someone, the one you hold higher than all others? I have.
But I have learned that these feelings aren’t “love”. They are desire, passion, lust, contentment, security, longing. Love isn’t feeling. It’s action. It’s not about how I feel. Love is what I do and say to express all of those other feelings that I have for someone else. This is how I Love them. I can love my wife with a simple hug, or by doing all the laundry. I can love my daughter by spending time listening about what she is passionate about, or better yet, engaging in that activity with her. I can love the customer service rep on the phone by thanking them for helping solve my issue.
At least that’s the way I see it. Your mileage may vary.
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In general if we could stop telling people, especially new members, what their addictions or feelings are or aren’t that would be rad. When I first joined I was met with support and it made a huge difference in my recovery. This forum is where I met the people that gave me the courage to join my first call, talked me through finding a sponsor, talked me down through anxiety attacks, and believed that I could recover.
This resonates with me so much. If you do choose to get involved with a program (whether that is SLAA, SMART, individual counseling, etc) I think you’ll find validation that this is a super common theme for those of us in the love addiction world.
For me, I was told constantly in my childhood that nobody would ever love me, and simultaneously that the only thing I was “good for” was sex, so seeking validation in sexual ways was my jammyjam.
One of my big goals right now is to get in touch with my inner child and use play, creativity, and spontaneity in my recovery. I have to learn to like myself before I can learn to love myself, and before I can do any of that I have to find myself.
We can discuss what love addiction means all day but in the end, the addict is the one who has to find ways of navigating life that lead to recovery and I think it’s rad when people are ready to start their recovery journey.
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Welcome @Zuz_Anna!
Glad to have you here! Just wanted to chime in and let you know that I’ve struggled with porn addiction for 20 years. Started to identify it as a problem almost 5 years ago. My addiction isn’t in the DSM V either. I’ve felt persecuted too. I just try to remember that people only approach us from their own set of experiences. Some people might be skeptical because that’s a stone they’re not ready to turn over yet. Others like to compare addiction for bragging rights. Moral of the story; not everyone is going to be helpful in your recovery and you’ll need to do the dirty work of figuring out who gets to be a part of your story. The awesome part is that it’s your recovery and you can do whatever the fuck you want as long as you are meeting your requirements for sobriety. You get to make your program.
If you have an opportunity to inform someone regarding your addiction during a teachable moment, great! But don’t feel obligated to explain yourself. You know who you are. Feel free to flag posts, mute threads, and push that negativity to the side. Some days, that’s as much as I can muster
proud of you for your steps towards clean living.
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Having been in recovery a while, and working in the field, I have had the opportunity to see addiction from many different aspects. From drugs to gambling and food to love they are all addictions in their own right as experiencing them causes changes in our brain chemistry.
For the person who thinks it isn’t an addiction I suggest you find a new thread to follow as you are not being helpful at all.
To the OP. Welcome. Stick close to the women here who share your struggle. They can absolutely help you. And ignore the single naysayer. They know not what they say. Remember they are sick too and are an addict just like the rest of us.
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Wow…I usually avoid the love addiction posts because I figure I have nothing to contribute to that one. I’ve become such a “leave me alone” person I would much rather have zero relationships and become a shut-in.
However, I read that and my heart stopped. OMG…that was me in my 20s. I was sooooo desperate for someone to love me (I was terrified of being alone) I would do all this as soon as I met a guy. Needless to say I would quickly push him away faster than you can say “chill out babe”. Honestly, I think the reason why I thought my husband was the perfect guy for me was because he didn’t flip out when I did that…he actually liked my attention. (I no longer think he is the perfect guy for me, but that’s a whole other issue).
I guess I have no advice because I never even thought that I might have had a love addiction but I am totally understanding how you are feeling.
Man, addiction is addiction, isn’t it. I think I’ve been addicted to so much in my life (except drugs, I guess). Dieting, exercising, alcohol…and now maybe this one???
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I know there are people addicted to the physical and mental reactions that relationships engender, because I’ve known people who are. Seeking that high is no different than it is for those who abuse substances, crave adrenaline, food, porn. It’s about stimulus and response.
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@Ockie Yours is an opinion. It’s probably best that you just mute or ignore this thread since you don’t seem, or want to understand. I’m not sure why you decided to comment on this thread other than to be combative. You’re not doing anything constructive or positive by commenting.
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Not to minimize any relationship issues that you may be having, but I want to offer this:
My wife is awesome. We do “together” quite well. Two imperfect people who fit together . Perfectly? No. Just well.
What the years, patience, understanding have done is “wear us in” instead of wearing us out.
Sometimes you just have to cut to size, file to fit, and paint to match. This involves a willingness for self improvement, and a tolerance of the other’s areas that could use some.
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Hey @Jante76 oh I couldn’t care less if someone disagrees with me or minimizes my experience. To each their own. I know who I am, what I feel and I know what my issues are. I’m not here to debate them but to share and I’m loving this forum 
thanks to everyone who has contributed!
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That’s pretty easy. When you focus on receiving love more than you do on helping yourself. When you seek the affection and attention of others to your own detriment. The lack of love and affection can lead to low self-esteem or even self-harm behaviors. It absolutely is an addiction and can absolutely cause harm. Especially as the OP has expressed her own pain as a result of her addiction I would say it’s causing harm. You can make an argument that there is nothing harmful about video games, yet in some Asian cultures people have video gamed themselves to death. Just because YOU don’t understand how it is harmful, doesn’t make it true. It just means you have a more narrow view of addiction.
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I hear ya. There are many people on this forum, many of whom dont even comment but are struggling and just read the threads. Those comments above dont do anybody good. Especially for those who may not be as confident as yourself.
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I did, and disagree with your opinion. You cite a diagnostic manual, earlier versions of which didn’t list things like gambling addiction, eating disorders, porn. Furthermore it classified certain things as mental disorders that are no longer classified as such.
The DSM is nothing more than a point-in-time snapshot of a consensus opinion, which changes regularly. That’s my point.
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