My wife told me to put myself in her shoes. I did, and honestly, they’re way too tight and the heels make my calves look weird.
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I bought a book on how to handle procrastination. I haven’t opened it yet, but I do plan to.
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Minnie & Micky mouse go to a marriage councillor….
The councillor says to Mickey…you can’t divorce her just cos she’s got big teeth .
Mickey say I didn’t say anything about her teeth is said she fucking goofy! 
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Which U.S. state has the smallest soft drinks? Minnesota.
Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything.
What is the difference between a teacher and a train? One says, “Spit out your gum,” and the other says, “Choo choo choo.”
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My doctor told me I need to stop exercising until I’m in better shape.
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I can always tell when my wife is lying just by looking at her. I can also tell when she’s upright.
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When I die, I want my remains scattered at Disneyland. Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
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Why did the crab cross the road? It didn’t— it used the sidewalk.
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At my last physical my doctor told me I need to eat more foods with colour, so I bought a big bag of Skittles.
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My wife told me to stop listening to her conversations. At least, I think that’s what she was telling her mother on the phone.
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My doctor told me I’m paranoid. Well, he didn’t actually say it, but I know he was thinking it.
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I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made an appointment for Tuesday.
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- Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to check her balance… So I pushed her over.
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Did you know that the word “Duh” is German for yes?
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Wait, so it’s not “ja” or pronounced ‘ya’, it was actually Duh all along? Goddammit… I’ve been lied to all along! Breaking news…! 
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My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate and then burn them. I did that, but now I don’t know what to do with the letters.
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I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.
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Went down to Lowe’s and picked up a new microwave oven. Now I can ruin my meals in a mere fraction of the time.
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My cooking is so bad, the flies desperately tried to warn & stop me from eating it!
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My boss told me to have a productive day. But he never specified which day.
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