Hello, this is my first post and I might just be scrambling for support….
I have been on my sober journey since Feb 2024. A few relapses later, I got my footing on 7/11/25. So far, life has been kind…. Until it wasn’t.
I came to find out that my husband has been online, almost daily, watching porn and looking up affairs / hookup. As far as I could find, it has been strictly cyber.
He says that (and all the proof points to) it starting when i got bad with alcohol. Now I am forced to managing this seemly alone and sober.
The intrusive thoughts keep bringing me back to blame and what ifs. What if I never had this problem with alcohol… why can’t he appreciate all the work I put in to recover….
I have made it a week and a half into this “discovery “ and haven’t touched a drop…. Just praying to stay that strong
Congratulations on your sober journey first of all
As a husband myself that is trying to quit porn use.. maybe not the best spot to give advice, but I’ll just share my thoughts.. just try to be close to him and hope that he can quit. It’s not easy and it’s not up to you if he makes it or not..
Blaming things on other people and their behavior is a typical human thing to do. There are very few moments in life where someone forces someone else to do anything. Used as an excuse? Happens all the time.
There are as many people that lean into pornography as others lean into drugs, alcohol, shopping, food…They all have their place and take work to make it stop.
It’s important to do what is right for you. Most people who appreciate what you’ve done are also doing it. People without an alcohol issue just don’t get it. I am glad you’re here. Community matters and helps a ton! If you search through you’ll find stories that look much like your own.
Love yourself and remember why you quit in the first place. Welcome!
I am currently working on porn addiction and male.
I would agree with @EarnIt it is easy to put the blame onto other people. I have done that really recently and its not ok. In the slightest. To have worked so hard to get on top of your addiction is nothing short of heroic. No one should dump their problems on you because you were struggling.
Speaking as someone who has frequently blame shifted… don’t take it. It’s not your fault. His way of coping is his own. His choices are his own. Life throws stuff at us all. We all have a choice on how we respond. His was porn, dating sites, hook ups. It is up to him to work on his abstinence from those things.
Having said that @Witoz is right. Quitting porn is hard. I find it insidious, cropping up at the worst moments. If we haven’t been taught healthy ways of coping with things then we will inevitably fall into unhealthy coping techniques. I know I am one of those people who leant on unhealthy coping techniques. That’s why I’m here. The support here on this forum is what is helping me get through it.
For now, focus on what yourself. Show yourself kindness, prioritise your self care. Do the basics (food, hydration, sleep, exercise) and check in here. We may all have different addictions, but we have similar struggles. We are here to help.
You have every right to feel your feelings; to own them and feel safe in knowing they’re valid and real.
As you have your addiction, he clearly has his own.
This can be an amazing opportunity for y’all to strengthen your marriage by being vulnerable and emotionally intimate with on another. One thing that isn’t fair is to blame you for his addiction. We must take responsibility for the things we do and say.
Protect your sobriety. You’re worth it.
And, forgive. If not for his sake, for your own inner peace.
Im barely starting, its so nice seeing all of your stories, its hard to stay sober becuase of my work environments since I live and work with my coworkers! I travel and drank so much this past year, I appreciate having the community here going through the same concepts!
Welcome Jules! Glad to have u here with us! May I ask what line of work are you in? Maybe someone can help with a few suggestions if theyve been in a similar situation
