I am trying to stay sober but I haven it gotten it down. When I mess up, my husband accuses me of not trying, acts like any little wins I’ve had don’t matter… he makes me feel like I am nothing but my mistakes.
I know he’s frustrated and angry, and I don’t blame him for that; I take responsibility for that. But any tips for how to get him to change his reaction behavior as I continue my journey? I can’t assume that it will improve because I will improve - I’ve failed too many times before.
The sad part is that before this I felt like I was really making progress.
See if he will go to Al-Anon. Also if he gets mad about your relapses I would start taking additional steps to stay sober. What are you doing now to achieve sobriety?
Hi, I know how you feel. When started this journey my wife was on board but that gradually faded. Couples counseling helped us get some things in the table. Stay focused on you. Do you. You are the one who benefits most from your sobriety. I failed many many times also. I’m sure you have heard “it’s not how many times you fall. It’s how many times you get up.” Keep truckin on…
It’s tough when someone who is non alcoholic looks at our disease as a Moral issue. Like if we just had enough willpower then we could stop. If we loved someone enough then we could just stop.
But it’s not like that for an alcoholic. Addiction IS A DISEASE! To ask someone to stop being an alcoholic is like telling someone to stop having cancer. Or like just stop having that peanut allergy or shellfish allergy. It’s that ridiculous to think this way.
Here’s what a doctor in the 40s had to say about it
Honey I’m right there with you every thing you said I can relate to 100%. It’s hard. Shit it’s FUCKN hard. And they will never understand because they don’t have the issue with alcohol but I’m sure they have many other issue that they just don’t see as serious. What I do is just listen to a lot of podcasts on you tube. I listen to Tony Robins for relationship advice. Than I listen to podcasts about how to love myself. How to let go. Do you honey. And keep going. What I mean when I say do you is continue on YOUR JOURNEY. Knowing that YOU GOT THIS. AND YOU WILL BEAT THIS. Listen to David Goggins. He’s good at making you WANT to do the things that are uncomfortable. Whether your husband sees your triumphs or not is not as important as YOU seeing them. YOU acknowledging them. Say to yourself I’M NOT WHO I WANT TO BE BUT I’M NOT WHO I USE TO BE. EVERY DAY IN EVERY WAY I AM GETTING BETTER AND BETTER. God bless you.
Unfortunately, it’s time and results that will regain your spouses trust. I’ve been there many times sadly. It really helps to put yourself in their shoes and try to understand what it’s like living with us. I remember one time when I was sober for about six months or so, my husband got super sloppy. He made a little scene at my work Christmas party, blacked out in the uber on the way home and was just so drunk and all over the place when we got home. I got a little moment of like, fuck! Is this what it’s like living with me?? That poor guy lol. They do come around, but when we slip, it takes longer to regain the trust. It truly sucks that they can’t understand our addiction, but it truly sucks being on the other side of us too.
I’m going to leave this thread here for you just in case you or your husband find the video link useful. I know it’s an hour long, but it can easily be listened to while doing something else. He’s talking to families to help them understand their loved ones as they go on the try/fail/try/fail roller coaster, but I found it really useful for myself as an addict too.
