Hello my loves! I have noticed I’m often guided to share when I’m working through the trials of life in sobriety. Being vulnerable and sharing my stuff isn’t something that always comes naturally to me but it’s just another gift sobriety offers me-authenticity, vulnerability and knowing we aren’t in it alone.
When I was active in my addictions, I had a strong fight or flight mechanism. Any perception of potential conflict and I’d bury my head in the sand, ignore it and run from it. I’d people please and say things to keep the peace that weren’t fully authentic to my heart. I’d drink or smoke to try to forget about it. I fully gave my power away. In my recovery, I’ve been learning to change this. Not only was it unhealthy for me and it kept me extremely stuck in life, my body has lasting reprocussions from living in this state also. When we block our energy from flowing, our bodies react to these blockages and trauma responses. It holds on to these things and it creates illness, mine came out in autoimmune disorders. As I heal, these conditions impact me less. But I have to keep doing the work as opportunities arise. And arise they do.
In my recovery, I have a pretty amazing connection with my higher power. I had received a message someone from my past was going to unexpectedly pop back in-which is very typical during mercury retrograde. And a week or so later, the message arrived. I knew something was coming but even with a warning, it wasn’t even on my radar for it being this person.
I attempted my first sober relationship for a few months last year. 4 days before I closed on my new house, it was made clear to me that wasn’t the kind of connection that belonged in my new life. We had one conversation that lasted 2 hours and it resulted in confirming for me everything my intuition told me. There was much he never said and it allllllll came out at that time after I said thanks for all you’ve brought to my life but this is truly not what I want. He was angry and he let it all fly out. At the end of that conversation, I reiterated this wasn’t the type of relationship I wanted and we didn’t see each other or speak again.
Almost exactly 1 year later, he reached out saying he had moved and he found my old Harry Potter DVD’s. Half an hour later, he sent a message to my son. Half hour later I got another message saying if I didn’t respond he’d throw them away along with my other stuff he found. I spoke with my sponsor and my higher power before responding. I had two options. Ignore it and just let it go-I didn’t truly need whatever it was after a year of living without it. Or, I could go and meet him. My sponsor said just because i was invited to the party didn’t mean I had to participate and I likely didn’t need whatever he had. However, there may be healing in this for one or even both of us. My higher power said meet with him. So I responded and said I hoped he was well and that once my vehicle was looked at on Thursday, when we knew what the repair timing would be, we could arrange a time. He responded and when I saw the notification, my fight or flight anxiety kicked in. I knew in that moment I had healing to do and that is why this opportunity arose.
We live over an hour apart and we hadn’t agreed we would meet on Thursday, but I knew before I left for the repair shop that was the day I’d see him. While I was there waiting for my vehicle, I thought to myself maybe I don’t need to meet him and there’s nothing there I need…I was trying to take back the wheel. All of a sudden, I hear loud classical music blasting from the vehicle repair bay, it was so loud I could hear it over my headphones. After a minute or so, I realized this was the Harry Potter song playing. When I got up a little while later, I also realized they had a TV in the waiting area (I had my back to it, sitting at a desk) and Harry Potter was playing there too. So when I knew my car could be fixed that day, I conceded and sent him a message.
My higher power and I connect often through synchronicty. Repeating numbers, messages like Harry Potter playing to tell me to go see him and get my dvd’s, etc. When he responded, I plugged the information into my GPS. The location address was 33 Hannaford Way, 33 minutes away and arrival time was 4:44. It confirmed this was the right action. So I went and just asked for protection and wisdom to take the next right action.
When I arrived, I had some extra time. I like to write as the information I need tends to flow out-it just so happened I had a notebook and pen with me. So I took it out and I wrote while sitting in the parking lot. What came through was that this connection needed healing. Proper closure. No icky feelings like the past had. To be able to cross paths and have it be ok. To have that unconditional love arise where even if we can’t be in each others lives, I still really do wish the best for you. And to have this communicated, not just held in a thought.
He arrived and it was awkward and uncomfortable at first. Until I let my heart open up and stopped letting it being so closed off. Because I did that, we spoke for an hour. We had a good and healing conversation. I was able to thank him for his presence in my life and for helping me see what I am truly capable of. I didn’t think I could do many things that connection proved to me that I could. I had many opportunities arise for healing my own patterns too as these are things I can’t work on alone. That connection helped me in many ways and I’m grateful I was able to express this and to still be able to do so without opening that door back up fully either. To say I wish you well in life and take care of yourself without feeling the ick or like I should rejoin the party. I very much got the impression that’s what he hoped for but I spoke my truths and was able to successfully close the door. I never used to do that, I’d always keep people in my life FAR beyond the healthy expiration date. Or I’d carry the resentments with me when I slammed the door shut. This was a gentle and grateful door closing and I felt light and free. This freedom and this healing is just another gift of my sobriety. As I continue doing the work and clearing out my clutter with my higher power and my sponsor, I become more and more free the longer it goes on. Today I’m grateful to be living in the solution as it has many unexpected gifts. I’m feeling blessed after facing that discomfort head on with a heart full of love instead of burying my head in the sand and letting this opportunity pass me by.
I hope you are all doing well on this beautiful October 1st and I love you all!