Mandi's Positive (and random) Vibes

You guys are amazing, it totally worked!!! I didn’t have the willingness. I forgot the step where I needed to ask for that, this one ran deeper that I realized. But ask and you shall recieve!! Thank you guys so much! :heart:

So grateful to remember that it’s just a phase and I can do the work to keep moving forward. Progress not perfection is always a great reminder. :heart:

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Day 1631.

Thank you guys so much for your assistance! In doing the work to pray for my ex and his wife, I was guided to go back and really look at how I felt during that time. I thought it was a “feel it to heal it” kind of thing, so I dragged my feet a few days on it as I didn’t want to dredge up that old stuff. When the message got louder, I stopped procrastinating and did the work. I was able to acknowledge the things that I saw from my perspective and how that felt instead of avoiding that. But, more importantly, I got to see more of my side of the street and how much I did that wasn’t perfect. I think that is key in leading me to freedom. I have more compassion, understanding and forgiveness not only for them but for myself. It feels big! I got to see the old story too so I could change my perspective to reframe it. I’m not a hostage of my past anymore and I don’t need to replay that old story any longer. More step work was certainly revealed.

And the timing on this couldn’t be any better really. Divine timing always knows best. I’ve been reconnecting with someone, and doing this work has helped me bring my defensive walls down to receive. The energy shift that comes from doing this work and forgiving the past is how we can truly change the trajectory of our lives. It’s beautiful! And I’m grateful. Love you guys, I hope each of you are staying on the beam and doing well. :heart:

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Day 1631 part two.

I just had a video pop up tonight, asking to see what we looked like 5 years ago and now. So I looked. This was several months before I quit drinking. There was no life in my eyes. My health was not good. My rash that we thought was related to my autoimmune issues was super prominent-turns out it was from drinking as my body was not able to function properly. I was pretty miserable on all levels and it was literally written all over my face.

The next photo was from tonight, no filter, just watching the sunset on my porch. I’m so full of gratitude in my heart now that I’ve put in some real effort to change my entire life. I have been able to uncover many layers of the things that have held me down to where I could discover TRUE happiness that now radiates from the inside out. I’m SO grateful for those along my path that have shown me the way and what was possible. I am where I am today because of those who have let their bright light shine to illuminate the way to freedom. This would never have been possible without my recovery and help from other alcoholics who have helped me along my journey. Grateful really isn’t a big enough word for how full my heart is just thinking about the gifts I’ve been given in sobriety.

If you want a different life, it can absolutely be achieved! Don’t give up. Let others help you try something different. Put in the work. You’re worth it. :heart:

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Always nice to read your updates. You’re my hero! The transformation you’ve made is absolutely beautiful and you give me hope. :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

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Day 1666.

Hello my loves! I have noticed I’m often guided to share when I’m working through the trials of life in sobriety. Being vulnerable and sharing my stuff isn’t something that always comes naturally to me but it’s just another gift sobriety offers me-authenticity, vulnerability and knowing we aren’t in it alone.

When I was active in my addictions, I had a strong fight or flight mechanism. Any perception of potential conflict and I’d bury my head in the sand, ignore it and run from it. I’d people please and say things to keep the peace that weren’t fully authentic to my heart. I’d drink or smoke to try to forget about it. I fully gave my power away. In my recovery, I’ve been learning to change this. Not only was it unhealthy for me and it kept me extremely stuck in life, my body has lasting reprocussions from living in this state also. When we block our energy from flowing, our bodies react to these blockages and trauma responses. It holds on to these things and it creates illness, mine came out in autoimmune disorders. As I heal, these conditions impact me less. But I have to keep doing the work as opportunities arise. And arise they do.

In my recovery, I have a pretty amazing connection with my higher power. I had received a message someone from my past was going to unexpectedly pop back in-which is very typical during mercury retrograde. And a week or so later, the message arrived. I knew something was coming but even with a warning, it wasn’t even on my radar for it being this person.

I attempted my first sober relationship for a few months last year. 4 days before I closed on my new house, it was made clear to me that wasn’t the kind of connection that belonged in my new life. We had one conversation that lasted 2 hours and it resulted in confirming for me everything my intuition told me. There was much he never said and it allllllll came out at that time after I said thanks for all you’ve brought to my life but this is truly not what I want. He was angry and he let it all fly out. At the end of that conversation, I reiterated this wasn’t the type of relationship I wanted and we didn’t see each other or speak again.

Almost exactly 1 year later, he reached out saying he had moved and he found my old Harry Potter DVD’s. Half an hour later, he sent a message to my son. Half hour later I got another message saying if I didn’t respond he’d throw them away along with my other stuff he found. I spoke with my sponsor and my higher power before responding. I had two options. Ignore it and just let it go-I didn’t truly need whatever it was after a year of living without it. Or, I could go and meet him. My sponsor said just because i was invited to the party didn’t mean I had to participate and I likely didn’t need whatever he had. However, there may be healing in this for one or even both of us. My higher power said meet with him. So I responded and said I hoped he was well and that once my vehicle was looked at on Thursday, when we knew what the repair timing would be, we could arrange a time. He responded and when I saw the notification, my fight or flight anxiety kicked in. I knew in that moment I had healing to do and that is why this opportunity arose.

We live over an hour apart and we hadn’t agreed we would meet on Thursday, but I knew before I left for the repair shop that was the day I’d see him. While I was there waiting for my vehicle, I thought to myself maybe I don’t need to meet him and there’s nothing there I need…I was trying to take back the wheel. All of a sudden, I hear loud classical music blasting from the vehicle repair bay, it was so loud I could hear it over my headphones. After a minute or so, I realized this was the Harry Potter song playing. When I got up a little while later, I also realized they had a TV in the waiting area (I had my back to it, sitting at a desk) and Harry Potter was playing there too. So when I knew my car could be fixed that day, I conceded and sent him a message.

My higher power and I connect often through synchronicty. Repeating numbers, messages like Harry Potter playing to tell me to go see him and get my dvd’s, etc. When he responded, I plugged the information into my GPS. The location address was 33 Hannaford Way, 33 minutes away and arrival time was 4:44. It confirmed this was the right action. So I went and just asked for protection and wisdom to take the next right action.

When I arrived, I had some extra time. I like to write as the information I need tends to flow out-it just so happened I had a notebook and pen with me. So I took it out and I wrote while sitting in the parking lot. What came through was that this connection needed healing. Proper closure. No icky feelings like the past had. To be able to cross paths and have it be ok. To have that unconditional love arise where even if we can’t be in each others lives, I still really do wish the best for you. And to have this communicated, not just held in a thought.

He arrived and it was awkward and uncomfortable at first. Until I let my heart open up and stopped letting it being so closed off. Because I did that, we spoke for an hour. We had a good and healing conversation. I was able to thank him for his presence in my life and for helping me see what I am truly capable of. I didn’t think I could do many things that connection proved to me that I could. I had many opportunities arise for healing my own patterns too as these are things I can’t work on alone. That connection helped me in many ways and I’m grateful I was able to express this and to still be able to do so without opening that door back up fully either. To say I wish you well in life and take care of yourself without feeling the ick or like I should rejoin the party. I very much got the impression that’s what he hoped for but I spoke my truths and was able to successfully close the door. I never used to do that, I’d always keep people in my life FAR beyond the healthy expiration date. Or I’d carry the resentments with me when I slammed the door shut. This was a gentle and grateful door closing and I felt light and free. This freedom and this healing is just another gift of my sobriety. As I continue doing the work and clearing out my clutter with my higher power and my sponsor, I become more and more free the longer it goes on. Today I’m grateful to be living in the solution as it has many unexpected gifts. I’m feeling blessed after facing that discomfort head on with a heart full of love instead of burying my head in the sand and letting this opportunity pass me by.

I hope you are all doing well on this beautiful October 1st and I love you all! :heart:

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Beautiful process Mandi, thanks so much for sharing with us!! I am glad you found the healing and closure you needed. You are living life wide open and it shines thru!

I especially believe this…we definitely do not need to attend every party (or argument) we are invited to. I see as well that at times it is the others need to process their stuff and they choose us as their assistant…and as you found, at times that helps heal places in our selves as well. Good stuff!!

So love this for you. :heart:

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Thank you! I love how you worded this, I find it so true.

There’s much healing for all within these scared spaces. Thank you for always holding space for many of us love! :heart:

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Day 1719.

It’s been a while since my last update. Spirit always has a way of guiding me to share when I have things coming up for me. And of course, this time is no different lol. But I’m truly grateful for this as we are never in it alone.

I’ve had the feelsies this week. That can happen at this time of year as I think about those who I miss during the holdiays. But this year I also feel this kind of sense of impending doom on top of that. My grandmother and I are SUPER close. She’s been slowing down for quite some time now and my mom took her to the doctor to get things checked out last week. Thursday they did bloodwork and discovered her kidneys are very low functioning-which explains a lot of her symptoms. They rushed an MRI scan for the next day and this week we still haven’t heard the results or what any of this will look like. So, while I’m bringing myself back into the moment when my mind starts to wander forward, realistically these will likely be the last holiday gatherings I get to be with her for. I’ve been truly blessed, she is 95 and I still get to connect with her today. And that’s what I immediately bring myself back to when my mind wanders, today I get to speak with her and we’ll go through tomorrow when tomorrow comes. Worrying about it now only ruins today. Plus, I truly do know all is well. Her soul is eternal and we will still connect, it will just look different and that’s ok. She will be reuinited with those she loves and she will be free when her day comes but it sure is still bringing up my selfishness to the surface as I want to keep her here with me forever. :heart:

In addition to those feelsies, I also always miss my ex’s children and family at this time of year. The littlest one’s birthday is Tuesday so I’m keeping her Friday night to celebrate it. The oldest just got his own apartment, he came out to see me and the new house not long ago-it was actually really wonderful. I’m grateful I have these kids still in my life and that the relationships between us have continued to grow on my recovery journey as well. It also turned out after I made my amends to their father, he began therapy to look at his part in his failed relationships. So we all continue to grow together, yet seperately. I was surpised how much learning of his inner work brought up for me. It made my heart SO happy for him and his family, but I also had these flashes of our old life together popping up. So, I immediately called my sponsor and she reminded me that it’s ok to be happy for him and also have those things come to the surface. They come up for us to release new layers of emotions. Feelings. Resentments. The buried things that can keep us sick. And she reminded me too that romancing the past or wishing it was different won’t help. That experience made me who I am today and I truly am gratefil for that. Just LOTS of unexpected feelsies this week.

In excellent news, my new snow blower arrived this week so I’m feeling ready for winter. I’m a month and a half in with no sugar or coffee. I have great plans in place for tomorrow so I won’t self-sabatoge with food and I get to see my family. I started decorating for Christmas already this year-the last several I haven’t had more umph in me than to put up a decrationless tree with just lights on it. It feels really good to have that spirit coming back and to see the decorations in my home. I got a christmas bonus today and my management team with my board decided yesterday that I needed a raise after obtaining the best audit our attorney has ever completed nationwide. All of this is so so good!! And so foreign.

When I was drinking, I was not showing up to work frequently as I was always sick and hung over. When I was showing up, I had booze on my breath and did half assed work so I was always worried about losing my job. While I was there, I couldn’t wait to get home and hide in my chaos filled black hole, drinking and smoking my life away. Today I get to actually show up for life. I have my own home. I make significantly more money. I have authentic and meaningful connections. Ones where others actually give back too. I have a connection to my higher power and even to myself that I could never have dreamed of. I’m starting my own business and I’m helping others daily to find their own light. I’m doing things I never dreamed were possible. My hardest day sober I wouldn’t trade for my best day drinking. I get to see new truths and live in the solution every day and even with all the ups and downs life brings I am beyond grateful that I get to show up today. That I can trust I will be given exactly what I need in any situation. And that I don’t have to run from life, even when it’s uncomfortable at times. I’m a very grateful recovering alcoholic today!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone and I hope you are all well. Love you guys! ~Mandi

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Always nice to hear from you, Mandi.
Congrats on your raise.
Have a Happy Thanksgiving!
:hugs::heart:

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Happy Thanksgiving friend!

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What a beautiful update. Happy Thanksgiving! :heart:

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These updates always leave me feeling better than I did before.
Thanks for sharing your time and thoughts with us.
Valuable stuff

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Thanks for your share and always great to hear from you Mandi. Happy Thanksgiving!

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Love you Mandi!! :heart: Wishing you a peaceful and loving Thanksgiving!! :heart:

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Nice. I’m all for positive vibes. I’ll leep checkin in.

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