Mandi's Positive (and random) Vibes

[MandiH]

Oh honey, I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. But I am so happy to hear that you had a wonderful support system and that you were not in it alone. Troubles shared are troubles halfed and we never have to go through it alone.

I’m happy to hear that you were able to have a good Christmas morning! And that you were able to leave early sober and have that flexible to allow some time decompressing together. I truly find that those more difficult times can bring us closer to those we love and I’m so grateful you can lean on eachother. It’s not always easy but having true support sure does help. Hugs to you my love!!

[Lisa07]

Aww! Thank you so much for your kind words, Mandi.

[MandiH]

Day 1756.

Hello everyone, Happy (almost) New Year!

I recieved a divinely guided message that came to me tonight while I was in my Friday night meeting to come check in again. This time I was guided to talk about facing the things I dont want to.

Last week I was having a conversation with someone about finances and debt. I’m not even gonna sugar coat it, owning my own home and keeping everything afloat by myself has not been easy. I moved here with practically no debt aside from the mortgage that I had just signed. That has not even remotely stayed the same as my income has barely covered the bills and there’s been a lot of things that have been needed here. I always manage to get what I need, however, the thought of having debt again makes my old habits rise to the surface. When the subject was breached and I really started to look at it, I got that “I want to throw up” feeling in the pit of my stomach and I wanted to avoid the subject. I was able to recognize my reaction as the subject came up, I acknowledged it in the moment and I was told by this person-it is ok if you want to throw up but avoiding it won’t fix the problem. And they were right. That was a God Shot moment for me. Once the conversation was over, I had no interest in holding on to that energy, so I grounded myself and asked my higher power to take my worries, fears and anxiety away about it. And I asked for the willingness to find a solution. Two days later, I knew I needed to look at everything, to know exactly where I was at and set some intentions for how to handle it. And as I did that, I didn’t feel sick at all-I actually felt good doing it and knowing what I had going on. Even if it didn’t look pretty, I felt like I COULD do something different instead of burying my head in the sand again and hiding under the covers just hoping it would go away. That is my old alcoholic behavior. Nothing changes if nothing changes and action is needed.

In my old life, I hated conflict and couldn’t deal well with it. I buried my head in the sand and tried to pretend my life problems didn’t matter…which lead me to doing everything I could to numb and disconnect myself from me. I was sick, I hated my life, I didn’t even know who I was anymore or recognize myself when I looked in the mirror. My life was completely unmanagable. Not just with my alcoholism, it spilled all over my whole life. So, when I saw that I was trying to bury my head in the sand-I KNOW precisely where that got me in my past. And that is nothing I want back so I knew I needed to ask for the willingness to face this and do something different. And I am. For me, my alcoholism is often but a symptom of my bigger tendencies. I have to continue to look at my causes and conditions. Because if I stop doing that, these things keep me sick and can lead me back out.

I’m grateful for the ability to continue doing this work today. Even when it’s not easy, each time I do something different it leads me somewhere new. If I always do what I’ve always done, I will always get what I’ve always got. I am ready for the new to continue to come in, but I have to keep doing the work to allow it in. I have to take action. It’s not enough to know, but that is the first step. Once I know however, I need to DO better. Action is the key to change. Even (especially) when it’s uncomfortable, it is absolutely worth it. And so are you!

Have a great, safe and sober weekend my loves!

[Cjp]

Lovely, powerful share. I love your call to action. Thanks for being here and a part of this community @MandiH

[MandiH]

Day 1757.

My higher power works in incredible ways so as I get the guidance to come on here, I do it. And it’s been pretty insistent about being on here more frequently recently.

Every morning before I even get out of bed, I post little quips of my story or wisdom on my spiritual business page that I am guided to share. Today’s message was about accepting support and I was guided to come in here and share a little more about this.

In my old life, I very much had the illusion of control and of being able to do everything on my own. I always helped others, but could never really manage to help myself or put myself first. At a very young age in my childhood, I was taught that my needs didn’t matter and that I just needed to help others. I later dated very selfish people who reinforced that belief. But I allowed it as I thought that was normal.

In my recovery though, I have learned that I needed to put myself and my recovery first. I needed to step back for a while and focus on my inner being. Connecting to my soul and my higher power. And the more I did that, the more spirit would bring connections into my life that were mutually beneficial. Connections that are supportive. That are healthy. That have the give and take balance. The right things always arrive right on time if I can allow it in.

My first instict is often, no thanks-I’ve got this. I swear I was put in this house to help me break this habit more and more. I have been actively working with my AA recovery for almost 3 years now so I know I not only don’t need to do this alone, it works best if I don’t. As an independent woman who has always worked to keep things together for not only myself but for others too, this was hard for me to accept. I felt weak if I couldn’t do everything on my own. But, doing things my old way led to my life becoming miserable and unmanagable. I thought I didn’t need anything from anyone-I had this alllllll on my own. Hahaha, riiiiiight.

Today, I have allowed connections in to my life that are supportive. That help me to grow. That lend a helping hand. That show me different ways of thinking and living. That support me and encourage me to continue to make good decisions. Having that kind of support is priceless. I have people that truly know me and love the real me today. That is the kind of unconditional love that money can’t buy. The kind that goes right to the core of my soul. This is all possible thanks to my sobriety. To my recovery. And today I am grateful for knowing I do not have to do this all on my own anymore.

[MandiH]

Day 1763.

Today is the Wolf full moon. This is a time of releasing. A time of things coming back from the past. Of old emotions, people or situations bubbling up to the surface for releasing. It’s also a time of strange dreams where we need to look beyond the obvious for the messages we’re being given. So if this is happening for you, please know you’re not alone. This is a time of healing.

This week I’ve had some weird and unexpected things arise. Yet when someone from my past reached out, it actually didn’t feel unexpected oddly enough-even though we haven’t spoken in several years. This has given me an opportunity to look at many of the steps again with this connection coming back from my past. I just have to say out loud how incredible of a gift that is! To be able to see my wrongs. To be able to see clearly what my part is this connection is instead of feeling like a victim like I did the last time I saw them. And while I have absolute peace, love & forgiveness in my heart for not only them but for myself, I don’t have to entertain or encourage that connection this time. I can say what I mean without saying it mean or placing blame on either of us and I can speak my truths. It’s been a fact finding mission. I don’t have to invite that old chaos & heartache back into my life anymore. Not only do I not feel obligated, my love for myself now is stronger than the desire to be in contact again with someone I love when we always just end up hurting each other. It’s not the intention we set out for, but it always ultimately happens and it’s not healthy. We always think it’ll be different, but it never has been in the last 27 years. I have the ability to see that clearly now. I don’t have any interest in replaying that old tune. The opportunity has arisen to help me finally release this part of my past. To make different choices. To truly take action toward the life I want to live instead of replaying that old pattern. I have a choice and get to set boundaries today. I get to make healthier decisions today thanks to doing this step work. I get to let go. I have never chosen this path before when this connection has resurfaced and my heart is sure freaking grateful for this full moon releasing tonight.

[MandiH]

Day 1774.

Today marks the 26th anniversary of my dad’s passing. This is now double the amount of time I had with him in life.

I’m reflecting today on how important his presence has been in my life. We had a strained relationship. I really struggled with his alcoholism. I struggled with his relationship with my mom. I struggled with him working out of state to make ends meet for our family. I struggled with knowing that alcohol was going to kill him and that he was going to die. My dreams consistently showed me this. I used to beg him, plead with him, try to dump out his booze, wrote him poems asking him to stop and telling him what would happen. And, it did, exactly when I told him it would.

What I didn’t understand at the time was how influential he was in my life. How I was following in his footsteps. And how he was the one who guided me on my path to sobriety. In my sobriety with my newfound spiritual connection, I have been shown that he has awakened much pain within my soul to allow me to heal this. That I have carried this not only in this lifetime but in other lifetimes. I know this is a little out there, but this is my authentic belief and it may not be for everyone-that’s ok! This is what I’ve been shown. Also that my sobriety is breaking this chain of addiction for my family. And it’s a strong one. I am the only sober person in my family on both sides. Addictions kill in our families. And I have been shown that my dad has helped to lead me down this sober journey. To truly live and choose a new way. I am grateful for his presence. It’s undeniable in my life. His body may no longer be with me but his soul is and he’s guiding me to a new life. I never would have thought this was possible, but my experiences continue to show me this. And I’m forever grateful for his guidance. I’ve been healing in ways I never knew that I needed.

I never would have dreamed that recovery would bring me closer to my dad after he died, but it has. And today I remember him with a love and appreciation I never knew existed within me. I’m grateful for this day, for his presence in my life, for my recovery and for love.

I used to celebrate him by having a drink on this day as he loved it so much that it was his demise. Now instead, I honor him by adding one more sober day. Love you Dad, thank you!

[Sober_Ninja]

Thank you dad, and thank you Mandi. Glad you will make it through another day and continue to live. It’s a great way to honor his passing.

[Thirdmonkey]

Beautiful share!

[MandiH]

Thank you love, I hope you are well! I miss yer beautiful face!

[Sober_Ninja]

I’m doing good just keep on keeping on. Still walking dogs, which continues to be amazing for my mental and physical health.
I was going to post a picture of my face but the app is being silly at this moment .
I’m so glad to come here and see you doing life one day at a time. I have missed you.

[MandiH]

This makes my heart happy, I miss you and always LOVED your doggo pictures and adventures! Tag me when you can get your photo up as I’d LOVE to see you!!

[MandiH]

And, per divine timing-this morning I went to a “random” meditation meeting off the AA website.

I was still cleaning a section of my basement when it started and had my camera off. My default photo was a seaweed picture and the host immediately commented on it. She said it makes her think of fond memories and she hopes that place brought me as much joy as the place she remembered it from. I told her it was from Maine and she got excited as that was exactly where she had her fond memories held. I knew I was in the right place. I had two options on the website at the same time for a meditation meeting. I asked which one to go to and my HP delivered the answer-that was just perfect confirmation.

As someone new to the meeting, the host gave me her number in the chat. As the meeting went on, the reading was very pertinent to me. It was discussed how we have a daily reprieve and that a design for living is in that book. It works if we work our recovery.

This weekend I had a dream about my nephew handing me a bottle. I said no thanks, but it was there. I also found some old smoking stuff too while cleaning the basement. It kept coming up and got a little too close to home for comfort so I knew I needed a meeting today. I’m not immune to my old BS, it’s still in there but I get to stay in the solution instead today.

The meditation portion of the meeting arrived and i was able to feel the feelsies I hadn’t really let come to the surface today. I wasn’t planning on sharing after, but I did. Being honest about where I’m at is what I need to continue to do to stay on the right side of the fence.

It hit home for several people, but especially the host. After the meeting I stayed on and several of us chatted. We talked about loss, love and sobriety. My share and my photo brought a lot of emotions up about the host’s dad as they vacationed her together when she was young. She’d pop the seaweed with him. We chatted after the meeting and added each other on Facebook. There’s soooo many similarities between us, even half a country away. That’s the truly beautiful thing, we DON’T have to do this alone. Those who have walked similar paths really do get it and we’re in it together. I’m freaking grateful for this today. Because today I wasn’t truly alone when I’ve allowed myself to be in the past on these days.

And, tonight I actually created my own meditation per divine timing! It literally all fell together almost effortlessly. The microphone getting set up and adjusted within the settings, the successful recording of the script I wrote and updated today, the piecing it together with background tracks and making my adjustments to the collective sounds to blend them together, finding a video for the background and putting it all together into a video…ALL of this came together in under an hour.

None of today has been coincidental. I went to my first meditation meeting and ended up creating my own first meditation. Having the right energies arrive at the right time makes all the difference in the world. Tonight I’m ending my day still on the beam and for that I’m thankful.

In case you are in need of a short meditation, here’s what I created today with the help of my spiritual team. I’m grateful for them and I’m grateful for you all.

8 Minute Guided Meditation-Bringing in White Light & Releasing Stress Meditation

I love you guys, thanks for being here!

[Sober_Ninja]

Can’t wait to listen and meditate when I get home from work today. Thank you Mandi.
Also, turns out my most recent selfie is at Halloween we went to a 2 day Rave in Seattle. Every time we go to an event I am reminded of why I quit. I am so glad I will get to remember everything and not feel like the next day only to start drinking again.

[MandiH]

Thank you, as always your beautiful soul shines!

[MandiH]

Day 1782.

Today I’ve been hit with some pretty unexpected emotions. One of my best friends lost her father to his battle with alcoholism last night. It has been so heartbreaking for his family to watch this disease progress until the end. It brings back a lot of my own memories with my dad and there is so much love and sympathy in my hearts for them. I’m grateful that we aren’t it alone and that there are others who understand and have been there to help lift us up. I’m grateful I can be of some assistance to them today but man it still hurts my heart. This addiction is a killer and it impacts everyone we touch. I’m grateful I found my way to recovery today and was willing to make the necessary changes as many are not able to do so and that has devistating effects. My heart is heavy today but I’m thankful I get to be here and honor these emotions. I get to help someone else carry their load today. And I’m grateful I get to recieve the signs that show we are never truly in this alone.

[Lisa07]

So sorry for your loss, Mandi. It breaks my heart every time we lose someone to this disease. I can imagine it hearts much more when it’s so close to home. Keeping you and their family in my thoughts and prayers. And thankful we found recovery before it was too late.

[MandiH]

I’m SO thankful for this too! So many of us never make it out if this addiction alive to discover the beauty of life but I’m damn thankful for it today. My worst day sober is still 100x better than my best day using. Today I keep learning how to stay afloat sailing through the ebbs and flows of life, one day at a time.