I’m 3 days away from 8 months sober. My separation was finalized on October 5 2017. My wife of 15 years said she never really had the love for me like a wife should. She thought marrying her best friend was enough but decided it wasn’t. I just turned 40 last month I have 2 great boys 8 and 12. I recently asked her if the separation was a time to try again or is it a divorce? Her reply was a divorce…for now she does not know what the future holds. Here I am going to AA meetings trying to stay sober talking to my sponsor to find a better way to be. I see a therapist to help with the relationship or lack there of. Today I have been sitting here at work and the bitterness and resentment started to turn a knot in my stomach. I’m supposed to let go and let my higher power take over but I am finding this difficult. I love my wife and would love to have her as my wife for the rest of my life. I am stuck in this limbo of if I move on I will miss my shot if I stay and she finds someone it will crush me. Sobriety means a great deal to me. Staying sober doing a moral inventory and making amends has brought me closer to my kids which is a main focus of mine. Has anyone been through something similar to this? How did you handle it? I would love to here your story or any advice to help me out. My alcoholic brain likes to twist things and make shit worse or more complicated then it needs to be. By the way my name is Rich and I’m an alcoholic. Thx for reading this.
I haven’t been in your shoes but I will say this, when someone tell you who they are, believe them. So if she is saying it’s just not there for her, don’t waste her time or your time. Life is short and you would hate for either of you to miss out on true happiness right? I will say this too, if you drink, you WILL miss out on the happiness. Drinking isn’t fun for us anymore.
I appreciate what you wrote. It breaks my heart but you are right. She cannot live a lie and I cannot force her to stay. Thank you so much
I’m so sorry, that’s a heartbreaker. I have kids the same ages as yours and I know I’d want to try to keep my family together too. But, you can’t love her enough for the both of you, if she is being honest about her feelings that’s not likely to change. It will be hard to accept but you can get through it and find some peace eventually. Stay sober and do the best you can for your kids, and have faith that even though this isn’t the path you envisioned for yourself, it will be ok.
Thank you so much. I’m trying to keep it one day at a time but some days are easier than others.
So sorry to hear of this painful juncture. The strength you’ve found to control your addiction will serve you well in this transition. It does sound like she has made a decision. That must be so painful. But you still have your children, and something will be waiting for you on the other side.
I’m sure you are right about her making her decision. I have been just refusing to see it.
You deserve someone who wants you. Love yourself enough to be open to that.
That is someone I have to work on.
It’s ok that you need time to grieve, and acceptance takes time.
Sorry to hear, such a hard situation when one party wants it to work and the other is in the escape pod already.
Speaking from a break up with my x gf of several years, it’s kinda like a process of mourning:
Accept, learn, adjust, grow, and be POSITIVE.
Strangely enough, I’m a better person because it. The hardest part is to keep your mind on what is and not what it could have been. Good luck man, let this be a positive change, things will work out.
Can id with you my wife divorced me after 15 years saying she couldnt live with my drinking two weeks after i left she moved her boyfriend in? i went to AA in those two weeks and low and behold 31+ years later im still sober married again have two big sons i run my own business morgage free great journey so its not the end of the world buddy but the begining of a great journey wish you well
I know it is hard to accept, but life is full of twists and turns and broken hearts can truly mend and soar. Trust me, you don’t want a wife who doesn’t want to be there…it happens and it sucks…but you can and will heal. One day at a time is true for ALL things. Focus on YOU and being the best you and best Dad. Control what you can…yourself and your feelings and your actions. You will heal and thrive with time and patience and love for your journey.
The end of my first marriage was my excuse to drink with a purpose. I didn’t handle it well, because I was a serviceman at the time, and separation meant my wife and son moving back stateside. Can’t say it was a surprise, but it was a disappointment, as I know I had given everything I could, considering the demands of my career. So not only was there an emotional separation, but a huge physical one too. Mail was slow, and international long-distance $1.00 a minute. I went from “family man”, “husband”, “father” to bachelor in a very short time. Really took the wind out of my sails. It was one of the reasons why I jumped on an offer of “early retirement” and ended my military career at 14 years. Took my lump sum and an inactive reserve commission and walked. I just needed to change the calculus of my life.
Four years later, two years into my new life as a civilian, I was introduced to a woman by a mutual friend. She took my extended hand, smiled, and said “nice to meet you”. The only way I can describe it was in that moment, my universe cracked. A year later, to the day, we married. 19 years, and if anything we love each other “better” now, then we did then. The only thing holding us back from “good” to “great”, was my sober, relapse, sober, cycle. This last one was 11 months. I used the death of my mother as my excuse to give myself permission to drink. My bride didn’t give me an ultimatum. She simply told me to quit delaying the grief, and get back in the game. She reminded me of how great a husband I was when sober. That’s really all it took.
So, my advice is to master sobriety, and trust that your higher power loves you more than you could ever love yourself, and there is someone out there just waiting to crack your universe.
Peace.
You know I have shared my story with you before. Your situation hurts. But you can’t control it. So I’m going to tell you the only thing that helped me. And it took me reading it over and over and then 99 more times! You probably don’t like me sharing this but it truly saved me.
Acceptance
"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation – some fact of my life – unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.
“Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God’s world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.”
Thank you for sharing your story. It means a lot that you took the time to do that. Your story gives me hope.
They read this before the start of every meeting. Sometimes I hear the words and sometimes I’m too focused on what I’m going to share. Life is easier when my focus is not so self centered and selfish but that being a character defect of mine I struggle with it. Letting go and letting my higher power take control is something I have to stay diligent with everyday. I wrote on this site because i was having a rough day and it was late so I did not want to wake my sponsor. You all that wrote on this site have no idea how much this has helped me. I thank you for taking the time. The next 2 days I will go to a morning meeting which usually gets my thinking back. Saturday I should be receiving my 8 month chip. Thanks again.
So much wisdom here. Please keep on the path of achieving a better sober you. Dont let this be an excuse to go backwards. Aa one door closes another one opens so keep moving forward. I know It’s difficult an there’s lots of triggers but you can do this. One step, one day at a time. All the best.
8 months is huge! I had to decide I had to find a way to let my ex go early on but at the 9th month I finally got serious. I went over and set boundaries. No calling me for problems, no watching her dogs. If she wants a new life I deserve one too and I couldn’t be trapped in limbo. So I do understand what you are experiencing. I hope you can come to terms with this. Where you are is painful and dangerous. Hang on to yourself.
That is exactly the place I am in right now. Limbo. Calling me for house issues etc. I’m working on setting boundaries but they will mean nothing if I go against them. I’m glad I reached out. All of these responses have really helped me.