I comment you for where you are starting right now- your vulnerability to tell your story. It is a good feeling to get it out there as hard as it is to tell. I am so sorry you are going through this in your life right now. I myself almost lost my marriage and kids to this disease. I have no clue how to NOT self Medicate but I’m forcing myself to learn… and so far the pain of going through all these emotions sober seems worse than anything. But there’s got to be something better that is yet to come, right? Were in the thick of it right now… but I trust that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and these days will get easier. Your wife has got to be worth fighting for and sonis your sober self that you used to love. I have a lot of PTSD at night especially. This is the hardest part… but we have to be stronger than this addiction. We at least have to try. Get your life back… you are already a hero to us all, now it’s time to be a hero to yourself and your family too. Peace and love my friend and thank you for all the people and lives that you tried to save and have saved. Everyone needs you. Stay with us! Fight!
Thank you so much to everyone who replyed to my post. This forum and the supportive people contributing to the content is one of the reasons I had success last year with the longest period of sobriety in my adult life. I truly value the mix of compassionate and hard love that comes from so many different perspectives from people with a common goal. Thank you to everyone in here who shared their own stories on this thread - they are a pillar of this recovery process. 
That hit home @Ray_M_C_Laren; I’ve followed your comments on here for a year and never read the story of the loss of your loved ones before. Thank you for sharing it with me
I’ll probably get yelled at but I’m a medical cannabis user for PTSD. It’s not a solution but miles better than drinking and has kept me sober more often than not. Mostly just take some before bed to sleep… The high CBD variety that is less psychoactive. Anyway just wanted to say I could relate.
I think we all need to do what is necessary to live a healthy productive life. I don’t believe that prescription medications are any better for us than alternative options in treating the various maladies people suffer from. That’s not to say I’m anti-medication, I just don’t care for the side effects from the meds that I have been on in the past. I don’t know if cannabinoids are ever going to be an option for me, it definitely isn’t in the near future, because regardless of state laws and acceptance of medical cannabis, psychoactive or not, most public safety agencies still prohibit the use among employees. Right now I am avoiding any medication whatsoever, trying to truly detox my system. However, if that works for you, and it doesn’t harm you or others, then you need to do what works. Thank you for your insight
Hey Chris, always good to ‘see’ you here. That’s a rough job you have there. Thank you for doing what you do.
I know it is so hard to let your wife and son down and yourself. That is a lot of pain to carry…and I know it hurts deep. Showing up and getting sober can help heal those wounds.
Suicides I know. My husband tried to kill me and then killed himself …it is gruesome and that and other things leaves some nasty scars on those of us who live thru such experiences. I worked with other survivors of domestic violence for years and humanity can surely break you down.
I hope you find a good therapist to talk thru all of this with. Healing can come when we release what is inside in healthy ways.
I wish you peace and sobriety.
I cannot imagine having someone whom was presumably at one point considered a loved one commit such an act. When I see stories like yours, it makes me realize how many true heroes there are in this world. The fact that people carry on and move forward after tragedy while helping others always inspires me. Thank you for sharing that, Sassy. It gives me hope and inspiration to be a better version of myself than I was yesterday.
Hi Spartan, great write up about yourself and everyone else who replied, excellent job. Your comments help me also! I was a Lieutenant, firefighter for 25 years and started drinking heavy everyday. After two years into my retirement I kept on having triggers of past calls, nasty calls, driving in a area where you can remember how many died what happened. What I was before and the product I became was pathetic. Now, I had to drink all day so I don’t think about the past. I was thinking bad thoughts, ideas on how I was going to do it?!
I had to step up and get help or I was going to be deceased. Spartan you might want to check this out. It’s called Code4, it’s therapy for firefighters and police specifically.
It’s the best thing I’ve ever done. Talking the same language and understanding each other’s
Fears, hurdles and addictions that follow right behind us. I just past my 4 months and looking forward to you’all. What great caring, people who are struggling but have the time to care and give sound direction, thank you very much. 
THUMPER. 