Me and my rocky ride to recovery

Hi everyone.

I am brand new to Talking Sober. In light of my emergence, for which I feel really excited - I thought I’d share my story. Hopefully some of you will feel you know me a little better after reading it.

So! My name’s Kieran, I’m 30 years old and I now live in Germany. Although I was born and raised in the North of England.

I’d really like to get-to-it and share some of the reasons why you find me here today.

As a young teenager, around the age of 12 or 13 I was consuming alcohol with the sole purpose of getting drunk. Harmless fun with friends. So I thought. One cold night, aged 13, I was found lying unconscious outside a swimming complex in my local town. I ended up spending the night in hospital on a drip, to dilute the alcohol in my blood. I was eventually sent home with my very worried parents. Alarm bells must have been ringing.

I didn’t know it at the time, but at this early age, I was planting some very dangerous seeds. These seeds would sprout into huge problems for me, as I moved into adulthood. Problems I’m sure many of you will be able to relate to.

By the age of 15, I had a good few years of drinking under my belt. Stripes of honour, as I saw them. I could handle a skin full, and that’s what I did with my group of friends most weekends. I had my first drug experiences at this ripe age, and was already taking ecstasy.

At 18, the drinking hadn’t stopped. In fact, it just became a whole lot easier, as now I could obtain my alcohol legally. No more asking the older kids for a favour. In fact, I could help out the youngsters now too. And I did. Not a worry in the world, or as much as an inclination that I could be causing damage to other people as well as myself.

Anyhow, I would shortly be heading off to university. I remember getting out-of-it drunk every day for the first 2 weeks of uni. It was normal. And I loved it. Why wouldn’t I? At this time, drinking still felt like a hobby.

The drinking continued throughout my first year of University, and after somehow scraping through my exams, I would drop out in my second year. This due to a combination of factors. Drugs and Alcohol are top of that list.

So, at 21, I’m a university ‘drop-out’, I’m unemployed and I’m back living with my parents. My drug and alcohol consumption increased. I didn’t see it so clearly at the time, but I was using substances to escape the dreary realities that substances had helped create in the first place. I wonder if that sounds familiar to anyone?

I spent the next years of my life, a slave to drugs and alcohol. I worked several jobs at different times to fund my habits. This exhausting cycle I was on was becoming harder to face, but as it became more difficult I would only want to escape more. And that’s what I did. Accidents became quite regular. During this time, I had scrapes with potentially fatal circumstances, including accidentality overdosing. I broke my wrist and smashed my face falling off a wall whilst taking a short cut home and I was drink-driving regularly.

I ended up cutting my self off from friends and family. I became solitary. Closed off from the outside world. As a result, drugs became harder for me to come by, and alcohol really took over from this point on. I should mention that during all of this, I was able to hide my alcohol addiction from my family and the people around me. Still to this day, I do not know how I managed that. I became very good at lying, manipulating and deceiving. All to cover up who I had become, and what I was doing day after day.

By 25 I was tiring of my life. I had developed a worsening alcohol addiction, I was getting black- out drunk pretty much every night of my life. I would wake up ill and depressed every morning. Stomach aching, head banging and self esteem having made a swift exit through the back door. At this age I had a pretty extraordinary, life-changing experience that involved some evil spirits and being saved through prayer. I became a Christian. That story is probably one for another day (and perhaps another forum!). What would happen next in my life though, really opened up my path to recovery.

Even in the thick of my alcohol addiction, I was able to save money, hop on a plane, and head to South Africa to volunteer at an orphanage for children with HIV and AIDS. It was just what I needed. I found myself experiencing my first days, weeks and months of sobriety. It felt like the heaviest of weights had finally been lifted from my being. I felt healthy, free and able to enjoy life’s little gifts once more. I hadn’t been there since before I could remember.

Again, there is so much more to be told about my time in South Africa but I am not going to go overboard on details about my wonderful experience. The important thing was when I got on that plane back home to England I was 5 months sober. Nobody back home knew I had a problem with alcohol, and that I was desperately trying to tame this wicked beast.

I arrived back at the airport in Newcastle feeling like a new person, a breath of fresh air, a taste of sweetness. I had done it.

I remember being picked up by my Dad, and we headed home. “Fancy stopping to pick up a few celebratory beers?” he asked. He was none the wiser. And that night I relapsed.

Here I was once more. In the depths of my addiction. I can tell you this, it’s unbelievable how so much time and effort can be undone by one decision made in the spur of the moment. And how quickly you end up back as you were at your worst. Desperate, lonely and ashamed.

I went back through a tremendously dark period of heavy drinking, whilst working a job I hated to fund my habit. I decided I had to go back to South Africa to return to the place where I had managed 5 months of sobriety. I saved the money once again, and I was back on a plane 9 difficult months later.

This time things went a bit differently, I ended up relapsing 4 weeks into my trip to South Africa. This came about because one of the other volunteers asked me if I would pick her up a bottle of champagne for New Years. And I did, along with two crates of beer for myself. It can be the smallest thing that causes you to relapse. I remember the next day after polishing off my beer on New Years, I said to myself, “right, you had a good oiling last night for New Year, but today is another chance at sobriety”. That night, I was back in the booze shop. I simply could not help myself.

It took me another few months of binge drinking whilst volunteering at the orphanage, to finally get myself in order again. Within this period of time, I met my future wife, who was also volunteering at the orphanage. I had managed to stop drinking around 3 months before I headed back home to England. This time, I felt I was equipped for my potential relapse. It wasn’t going to catch me out again.

On return to England, I did not relapse on the first day. Pat on the back, Kieran. But I ended up making the excellent decision to start working at a pub. My family lives in the country, and this pub was a stone’s throw away. It seemed to make practical sense. In reality, it did not.

I was working at the pub full-time, and managing to fend off the alcohol successfully. I managed this for months. I was about 9 months sober in total, 3 months in South Africa and 6 months back home in England. That was until one fateful Sunday afternoon in the pub, I was offered half a pint of ale on my lunch break, and I slipped. Fell head first into a throffy half of porter. So to speak.

I had done it again.

Next was a pretty slippery period of time. I was a somewhat functioning alcoholic. Working in a pub. Brilliant.

I ended up getting drunk at the pub one night whilst working a night shift. My car was parked outside. I locked up the pub at closing and without a second thought, stumbled into my car and hit the road to get home. I was very drunk.

I pulled into the driveway of my family home, I practically fell out of the car and staggered in through the front door, there was my Dad. Shaking his head, sadness in his eyes, upset, bemused and struggling to come to terms with what was in front of him. I quickly made a bolt for my bed. The next morning I woke with a sense of dread. How would I explain this to my family? Were the last few years of my life about to unravel?

I called my Mum and Dad into the kitchen downstairs and immediately began to cry on their arrival. “I’m an alcoholic”, I said. “I can’t do this on my own anymore”.

After two wonderful and much-needed hugs from my parents, and a whole lot of love and understanding, I decided I had to quit alcohol for good.

That was December 4th 2019. I haven’t touched a drop of alcohol since. That means I am just over 3 years sober.

I have experienced the best that life has to offer since becoming sober. I relocated to Germany, married my wife and now have a daughter. I am learning a new language and discovering a new culture. I am able to enjoy life’s pleasures, big and small. I feel genuinely grateful that I went through the years of addiction, because I believe it has helped shape the way I see the world. I have gratitude for what it is to be sober. What it means, and how good it feels.

For me, keeping my addiction secret was one of the most fateful mistakes in my quest for sobriety. As soon as the truth came to light, I was more accountable and I had the support of my family and friends. That was what really made the difference this time.

It is my deep desire to be here as a support for anyone struggling with drug and alcohol addiction. I would really love to connect with you.

I will always make myself available to anyone who might need a shoulder to lean on. Or even some guidance, if you happen to be on the path to recovery.

So much love to everyone out there struggling with addiction. It can be damn hard, especially in our darkest moments. It is my firm belief that anyone can come out of the other side of addiction, sober and all the more fulfilled for having experienced the hardship. Because it brings gratitude for things you would otherwise have taken for granted.

A huge thankyou to everyone who took the time to read this.

Kieran

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Wow what a wonderful story of redemption. So glad you are here and shared your experience, strength, and hope.

Welcome to an amazing sober community!

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Thankyou for taking the time to read my story. I am very pleased to have joined!

Much love,
Kieran

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Welcome to the community! Glad you’re here.

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Hi Buddy my wife s Brother lives in Germany he married a German lass and has two daughters , My wife speaks German as well he Dad was in the Remi and was posted there for a few years. your doing well in your sobriety well done , i was 6 years sober when you were born getting old lol

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Welcome! And thank you for sharing

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Awesomeness. Thank you for sharing your life with us.

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Welcome, and thanks for sharing your story. I hope you can share what helped you to recover to people in earlier stages of recovery on the forum. And there are plenty of Christian people here. Use the magnifying glass icon to search for threads.

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This was a fantastic introduction to the community. What an amazing journey. This ready like the shared stories in the back of The Big Book. So glad you are here sharing your experience strength and hope. You certainly helped me stay sober today.

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Oh my goodness!! Thank you so much for trusting us with your story!! :heart: And congratulations on choosing a new path in life and all the positive resulting changes and on your 3 years!!!

I heard a lot of my self and my early life experiences in your story. So thank you for those reminders.

I hope you will continue to share and post and take what you need from TS. :heart:

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Thankyou! :slight_smile:

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Thankyou for reading my story. That’s amazing.

Much love,
Kieran

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Thanks so much for the encouragement. Wow!

It’s not an easy language to learn but you get used to it!

Much love to you and your family!

Kieran

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Thankyou for reading my story!

Kieran

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Thanks so much for the tips!

Kieran

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Hi Lee,

Thanks so much for reading my story.

That means so much!

Kieran

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Thankyou for taking the time to read my story!

I really appreciate that!

It’s amazing how much we can relate to each others stories.

Much love,

Kieran

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Thanks for sharing Kieran! I too have a similar story. Starting out drinking with friends and smoking weed as a teenager, binge drinking awhile away at university while starting to get into harder drugs. By my mid 20’s my drinking mostly got replaced by party drugs. Which led me to start losing jobs and almost hitting rock bottom. Moving back home I didn’t share my story with anyone but choose to battle my cocaine addiction with drinking. I did overcome my cociane addiction, alone which I should have not done. But now battle with alcoholism. As a once functioning alcoholic, I know realize it is starting to ruin my life. Day 3 sober now. It is the worst, I’m snappy, sweaty, and all the suppressed memories are coming back to haunt me. That is almost worst than the withdrawal, all the things I try to ignore come flooding back. But, to stay strong I now know that I have to be here for my young kids and need to reach out and share my story. That is the only way I can pull though. Thanks for listening to the short version of my story lol

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Hi Kim,

So good to hear from you.

Thankyou for taking the time to read my story, and telling me some of yours.

It’s so easy to get into taking drugs and drinking alcohol at a young age, when its ‘exciting, fun and explorative’. Your just doing what other teens are doing, and feeling a sense of connection with others through it.

Later on in life, it can be really hard to let them go, because you learn to bond with the substances. You’re gripped by them. They become your go-to in times of sadness. Like an old friend that somehow knows how to give you the comfort you need. A means of escape.

The reality of alcohol is, it destroys and disconnects those who are addicted to it.

I am not sure about you but alcohol provided so little enjoyment to me in the end.

It began to give far less, but take more and more. Until you forget what its actually like to be free from its grip.

You have made a monumental step to be where you are. To be consciously leaving alcohol behind is the first step. Its the first and most important step. And you are already 3 steps along the path that will change your life for the better.

The first days may be the hardest. But I remember how incredible I felt so early in my sobriety. I am talking days. You will start to get your life back one piece at a time. One day at a time. And that journey of liberation and self-discovery is so much greater than any stroll you can have with alcohol.

Well done, I am so proud of you for being here.

All the best,

Kieran

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Alreet like Kieran?! Im co Durham lol your story is amazing thanks so much for sharing :blush:

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