I not gonna lie, I haven’t been around much these days. I’ve had to be a support for a lot of people in my personal and work life who are going through pretty dark times, and because of that I’m feeling like I can’t be there for people the way I want to in this forum. Today I’m feeling pretty done with taking on the weight of other people’s baggage and not having anywhere to offload my own. I’m frankly feeling a bit embittered. So here I am, selfishly reaching out for support and offloading into you. I promise I’ll give back when I can.
I’ve confided in just a few people lately about my drinking. It’s been suggested, pretty forcibly, that I should have a drink anyways. Or that I should take up [insert mood-altering drug here] instead.
Did people forget what “support” means? Does anyone listen?
What does support mean to you? Where should we look for It? Should it be expected? Do you ever feel that it’s unfairly expected of you? Do you ever feel that you’re living in a world of “takers”? How do you cope? Interested in your thoughts.
Hi, first I would like to say that I have felt what you feel. I should be coming here to help others, not myself, right? Hello? I would be lying if I said I didn’t need help from others, here or in my life outside here.
For me, asking for help was weakness, yet I wasn’t doing a very good job on my own. It took some serious humility to ask for help with my addiction, then even more to accept it.
Second, I read the book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie recently and it really shined a light on my ‘people pleasing’ and ‘care taking’ attitudes. It revealed to me how these led me into addiction. I felt like I needed to “rescue” people from their problems, then when I didn’t get the reaction I desired, I became agitated and upset which led me to victimization and ultimately entitlement and relapse. Now I only help people who ask for it, and I only do as much as I can and let them do the rest.
First and foremost I support myself. Then I find people who are going through/have gone through what my troubles are and ask them for support.
Rumi says “you cannot pour from an empty pitcher”. I don’t go to people who haven’t “been there” for support because they can only offer me their solutions, which I’ve usually already tried.
Finally, support to me does not always equal agreement, which I would love if it did. Real support comes from real love and sometimes love hurts. I think someone even wrote a song about that.
That’s all I have to say. Hope you enjoyed my book.
re Melody Beattie. I think I used to have an app with daily quotes and readings of her work.
@Mandyland seems you’re drained. Need to recharge. I seek support from variety of sources…people, my faith, this forum, books, therapy, nature, etc. People most helpful to me have also been or are in deep trenches in their lives too. Fake, fluffy, pie in the sky people frankly just agitate me. I loathe flippant lip service responses, when I’m trying to seek help. Sooo, I find support here, because people are “real” on here. It’s refreshing. I find support from people who have depth and insights, who have survived their own $hit$torms. Spend more time on here, if you don’t have people around you to support you. I’m isolated in ways, but then again I tend to isolate myself too. Do you? Sometimes I have to just spell it out, seemingly in dummy terms, as to what’s going on with me and what kind of help I need from peeps. This is SweetTea, and I support this message. Heh.
First of all - offload all you want! Vent, gripe, complain, cuss… DM me and do it some more…then do it again in another thread and don’t feel a bit selfish about it. Do whatever you need to do to stay sober.
In regard to your questions - being out of balance in the “give support versus get what you need” world has always been a huge trigger for my drinking. For many years I worked in mental health and prided myself on how much I gave, how hard I worked, how much I cared - and I found my support in a bottle. Other situations in which I found myself a caregiver worsened my alcoholism. I hope I have finally learned that I am no good to anyone - not my friends, not my family, not myself - if I don’t pay attention to what I need. In doing so, I have the energy to give back because I want to - not because I do it out of obligation. Where do I go for support? It depends on what I need. I’ve learned that no one can be all things to me. For laughs I call my girlfriends. For love I spend time with my family. For help staying sane and sober I go to aa and I come here - and I spend time by myself. I’ve learned that I need alone time in order to be able to have the energy for the other parts of my life. I love this forum. I love how honest people are and how willing folks are to share the stuff that isn’t so pretty. Folks here know more about me than many who have known me my entire life.
That was probably much more information than you ever wanted. In any case, I’m really glad you are around!
Every time I think “maybe this forum isn’t what I need,” or “maybe I dont quite beling here,” I get some kickass, genuine, honest and wise support from some pretty awesome people. Thanks @MoCatt , @Englishd , @SweetTea , @SmokeyMirror for your thoughts.
Good support can be a hard thing to come by. Everyone’s dealing with their own stuff. I never thought I was the type of person to care about other people this much or to feel guilty for not always being able to be there. Turns out I probably am. So with that, I’ve decided to take a bit of a step back where I can and isolate just a little as @SweetTea suggested, and seek more support and self care for myself in a much bigger way. I think it’s something I need from time to time for protection. I’ve always been taught isolating is a bad thing, but people don’t know everything. Sometimes you just need to “re-find” yourself, and recharge so you can be there for others. Glad I came back here
Hi. I’m of the belief that there is a difference between isolation and solitude. Sounds what you’re looking for is some solitude to recharge. Isolation does carry a stigma with it, solitude is a healthy alternative. Enjoy your time of solitude and reflection
I promise I’ll give back when I can.
re Melody Beattie. I think I used to have an app with daily quotes and readings of her work.