I’ve been reading a lot through different threads and have enjoyed hearing about others journey and seeing how brave they are to post about it. I’m not someone that typically talks about my own journey, I have a small circle and have gotten in and out of addiction on my own. I feel like it’ll be good for my mental health to say it out loud and who knows maybe help someone else or meet someone with a similar journey. Trigger warning for anyone sensitive about addictions and SA
I never knew my father and was abandoned by my mother when I was born. I had very little contact with her or any biological family growing up and spent my younger years in foster care and older years in group home.
That lifestyle sucks, there’s a lot going on, overcrowded living spaces, low income areas, constant fights, etc.
While in the group home setting I was sexually assaulted by multiple people starting at age 13. I never saw it that way, as I was a willing participant and craved the attention and affection, but as an adult I see it is grooming and SA and it’s about time I call it what it is.
I was a problem child in the homes and would be more friendly with the staff than the other kids my way and would get in fights and stuff regularly.
At age 16 I learned my mother overdosed and passed away and for some reason had a lot of trouble with that. This is when I was first introduced to substances like weed and alcohol which I was happy to try as a coping mechanism and really enjoyed how they made me felt.
The next year I had an opportunity to try some harder things like pills and meth. I only did them occasionally when they were available at parties.
When I turned 18 I found myself wanting the harder stuff more often and eventually found my own dealer. I didn’t have a job or money at the time, up to that point stuff was always provided for me. My dealer offered me stuff for sexual favors which I was willing to do. Over time the favors became larger and larger until it blossomed into a different type of relationship.
I considered him my boyfriend, I lived with him and he took care of me. Now I see I was naive and it was a different relationship entirely. Often when guys would come over to party or buy from him, he started getting paid for me to do stuff with them. Essentially pimping me out. I was hesitant at first but if I said no I’d be out on the streets with no money or place to stay.
This lifestyle lasted a couple of years until I had enough of it and wanted a change. It was a dream that gave me sort of an epiphany, a moment of sobriety and clarity made me take a look at myself and realize that I was my mother and would end up overdosing if I didn’t stop.
I left him and that life behind and found support at my local church. I was still using while going to church, but left the ex and his toxic lifestyle behind. While at a church event a met a guy, the man who would become my husband. We hit it off and went on a few dates. After a couple months I wasn’t really feeling the connection anymore and decided to leave, but that was complicated by me finding out I was pregnant.
The second I found out I was pregnant I stopped the meth and pills. I didn’t want anything bad to happen to my baby. As a devout catholic, the man that got me pregnant thought we should get married. And me with my addictive personality that craves security, I agreed.
We got married and had the baby and I never looked back. I stayed clean because I breast fed and didn’t wanna harm the baby. Now that the baby is a toddler and not breast fed, I’ve stayed away from the hard stuff but have smoked and drank occasionally.
My love life and marriage is a struggle. Part of me feels it is destined to fail because it wasn’t built on love and I’m young enough to make a change because I’m only 23 soon to be 24. Another part of me feels like I need to make it work for the baby and my faith even if I have tried time and time again and failed
Nowadays I feel like life is more of a mental struggle, me craving love and affection still, and feeling like that goes hand in hand with my past life and addictions.
I try to take it day by day and just make it through the day. Although some days I lose, I feel like every day I don’t go back to the hard stuff is a win.
Anyways, thanks to anyone who’s read this far and sorry for the long rant, I’ve never fully explained all of this all at once and even if nobody sees it, it feels good to get off my chest.
So glad ur here with us. Thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing a bit of your story. It feels good to open up and get stuff of our chests. I know when I came on this forum, I spilled A LOT of stuff about my past. We are only as sick as our secrets. And this forum is a great place to share and get support!