So I had every intention of sharing tonight. I needed to…
But I sat in the front this time and was asked to read something and I was feeling fine and then something just randomly happened. I was triggered, and I don’t know if it was the flourescent light or someone walking behind me or feeling like everyone was staring at me or me reading. But I had a full blown dissociated panic attack. I started shaking while I was reading and my head was like getting tics… and that caused me more anxiety and then I was having like tunnel vision. It was bad. I wanted to leave. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t focus on the meeting and I really needed it.
My friend messaged me right before and said they were on the way to celebrate Luke’s life (my friend/roomie who overdosed) and wished I was there and maybe that just got in my head and realizing his anniversary is coming up this week and it was literally the trigger that took me away from my 6 month sobriety the first time and sent me down a 2 year bender where I lost 3 other close friends including my best friend and I haven’t been sober dealing with all those fucked up emotions and the reality that I’m going to have to process all or that now just fucked with me. I’ve been in the weirdest headspace. I luckily got a ride from a guy in my home group who I got to talk to about everything and he made me feel a lot better because he was in a similar space and understood. So that was really nice, but holy shit that hasn’t happened to me in a while and I just realized how mentally unstable I am and it scares me to be able to handle anything else. I feel like delving into all the shit that happened and is happening is going to make me have a mental breakdown in sobriety and that scares me.
I feel a lot of fear right now. I know I don’t want to drink but honestly the trauma that I have to sort through is so much scarier than the idea of drinking, and that fucks with me.
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Take it easy my friend. Relax. Yes it’s going to be hard, but you have started the journey now, why not stick to it. If you don’t you could likely end up like your friends. And I would have thought that they wouldn’t want that for you
Just slow down a bit. Your doing really great I’m so proud of the way you have grown.
Your probably more anxious than you thought, and the being put on the spot with the reading just added to the whole effect.
Have you thought about seeing someone to help with sorting this out?
Take care of yourself.
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