I am terrified that this is what my future holds (persistent depression). I think I’ve always experienced symptoms of depression but never really understood them or sought help for them since getting sober. I am very similar to my Mum and while she doesn’t have a diagnosis of anything as far as I’m aware, she struggles.
I remind myself that I don’t know what the future holds, even though I feel like I have a fairly good idea. I am trying to make choices now that are based on what I need, rather than what I think I should do, in the hope that they serve me well in future. I think being sober helps with this, although after 2+ years things don’t seem that much clearer yet.
I am only 32 and in theory have a long life ahead of me. Who knows what tomorrow will bring!
Good work on the caffeine and cigarettes. I am not a coffee drinker but nicotine withdrawal was really rough for me. I am currently off antidepressants and I am considering self medicating with nicotine patches if things are still feeling difficult after my CBT has finished.
Here in the U.S., there is a full moon tonight. Not only is the full moon a good time to cleanse and recharge your crystals, but it is also a chance to make some moon water.
I do the simple version of placing tap water in an old jar, place a few stones around it, and let it sit out overnight in the moonlight. Sometimes I also set an intention.
You can sip off the moon water over the next few days for clarity, peace and strength. Or in these anxious times bathe in it or drink a full glass.
So I’m laying awake and am having a hard time so I thought I’d just post what’s going on with me again. I can’t stop thinking about my ex again and I’ve been so sad for the last few days. Every good thing I do for myself reminds me of how much I’ve changed and I think about my ex with every positive step forward. I can’t seem to enjoy my progress completely because I think about how she used to love me when I was down and how I wonder that if she could see what I’ve accomplished why wouldn’t she love me now that I’m better. I’m 50 years old but I am emotionally probably around 12 years old and it really sucks sometimes. I learned in therapy that I have serious abandonment issues because of my mom leaving me when I was a kid and not knowing when or if she was coming back along with other things. My therapist said that all of the old wounds are brought up when someone leaves me and that’s why it’s so painful. I can kinda see how me waiting and hoping that my ex will come back is just like me when I was a kid waiting and hoping my mom would come back which she would in a few days or months sometimes. I don’t mean that I “think” that my ex is like my mom but the feelings are the same and are really triggered by how my ex dumped me like trash and has ignored me for so long. I remember so many nights crying myself to sleep as a kid wondering what I did wrong that my mom was gone and it’s crazy that there’s been many nights in the past few months that I’ve cried myself to sleep wondering and thinking about what I’ve done wrong and why she won’t just love me and make it stop because I’m not the person I was anymore. I feel so broken inside again and I thought I was getting better but I’m not. Every day is a struggle living with the ache in my gut and having to do the best I can to get through the day. I really don’t know what would make me feel better. I go to the gym and that helps but the more progress I make makes me think about her and if she would love me now that I’m better. I’m sorry for the long rambling post I’m just super freaking sad again and it sucks. I’m not doing great but I’m sober. I just want to be loved and wanted by her and I can’t get my head to shut up. I can barely enjoy anything because everything reminds me of her. Thanks you guys for listening, love you goodnight.
I’m really sorry for your pain. It must really hurt. What you described sounds really awful. I wish I had some magic words to help you out. What does come to my mind is putting out a little gratitude. You got so much to be grateful for with your new sobriety. Unfortunately it won’t take away your pain. But it might dull it a little. Right now. Hit the gratitude list. Write down at least 10 things your grateful for. It couldn’t hurt.
Hey big bro - first, super big hug to you.
You’re going to be okay, I just feel it.
I know you know all of this, but your Mom leaving was not because of you - it just hugely sucked (and still does) for you. It wasn’t good, it wasn’t fair, but it was not because of you.
Your ex? By the sounds of it, I think you’re doing all the right things. You’re working on yourself, on making a better today and tomorrow and life. You’re working with a therapist - all of those things. But it still hurts, and also just plain sucks.
I think you’re living out the saying “the only way out is through” in a pretty amazing and remarkable way. I think if you keep doing what you’re already doing, and just give it more time, life will look a little different, and better, in the months to come. I think you’re brave and strong to face the sad and hurtful stuff and not run from it.
You’ll come out of it better. You’ll land on your feet.
And we’re all here too. I’m glad you reached out.
Please get some sleep. It’s your lil sis here talking and I’m trying to sound scary and bossy, but really I’m just sending you a whole lotta love and hugs
Emm, you’re the bestest best lil sis that I could ever ask for. I really appreciate all that you said it helped thank you… My meds are starting to kick in and I’m passing out lol. Goodnight and sweet dreams, I’m really proud of you. Night:sunglasses:
Thank you @NDFive. You’re right about how deep it goes into adulthood. I by no means have had to endure what you’ve been through as a child and I feel a little stupid posting what I’m going through, but no matter what my head tells me I know it’s not stupid and that you guys are my friends and this is exactly what this forum is for. Thank you for the support and I will keep showing up for the little guy inside me to the best of my ability. Have a great day and thank you again.
Oh, yes.
