More shit about J

Before I start, trigger warnings for overdoses, abuse, grooming, sexual abuse etc.

So if you look at my post history, I was in an awful “relationship”. She was 35, I was 14. And she was a drug dealer. Also pretty abusive.

I didn’t have a lot of friends age 13-14. The one friend I did have from school took advantage of me at a sleepover once, and my other friends didn’t believe me when I told them. They cut me off for lying about being assaulted.

Needless to say, I was lonely. And traumatized. That’s when I met J. She was a family friend (my dad had a few dealers for his various addictions) and I had known her for a while before we ran into each other at some house party. She really seemed to understand me, she was so supportive and believed me about my trauma. She was getting me drinks all night and eventually we hooked up. Left me her number too.

From there it was standard grooming shit. “You’re so mature for your age.” And “don’t tell your parents about us”. “You’re special”. “I’m the only one who really understands you”. “I love you”. Then she started getting me drugs.

Now she already brought me booze and weed, but then she started offering me harder drugs like coke. And I didn’t care what I was using as long as it shit my hellbrain off. (Also we only had sex if I was high or drunk. Never when I was sober).

At one point we went on a bender. It lasted a week, it ended with us doing heroin together and the next morning I woke up to her dead body. I did cpr and shit but she didn’t make it. The paramedics did their best too.

I’m 19 now. In therapy, mostly sober (drinking is hard to give up but I haven’t done hard drugs in over a year now so yay.) I just never put it all together just how awful she was. I wish I’d seen the red flags sooner.

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You’re clearly very intelligent. And clearly were taken advantage of it. But you’re just a kid and you have your life ahead of you. Stick around here and stay sober and if you can afford it, get some therapy. Don’t dwell on the negatives. If I was a quarter as bright as you are at 19, I would’ve quit drinking 20 years earlier than I did.

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Glad to hear your working on getting sober. First time hearing your story, amazing your still here keep working hard. Stay strong :muscle:

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Sorrry had go thourgh all truma

Thank you for your honest share. I wish I could change it for you and that it never happened. We know that isn’t possible and now it’s left to you to clean up the aftermath. I don’t know if you have sought therapy but I definitely would suggest you do.

You may also want to look into Recovery Dharma as a type of meeting to try. There are some trauma-informed groups that meet online and it may be a way for you to use meditation as a way toward forgiveness, acceptance and dealing with where you are right now.

Take care of yourself. Be gentle with yourself. We are here for you. There are many here who can relate to your story. I wish that wasn’t true.

Peace be your journey.