My addiction from 2013 to late 2024

Hi everyone, I’m new to this community. I’m 30 female and my alcohol addiction started when I was 18 after I met my ex who I dated for 3 years. It started out as just hanging out and having fun, I only used marijuana at first and then it transitioned to alcohol, When I first started drinking it made me sick and I probably had alcohol poisoning. The person I was with was a drug user and dealer he was strongly possessive over me and controlling but, I didn’t notice at first. We started going to parties and I would get insanely drunk every time and black out. I’d be on the floor wasted and just throwing up into a bucket with people around and everyone just continued on talking and hanging out like it didn’t matter. They were friends of my ex so we were there often.

I would still be awake on and off and talking and throwing up and then back asleep, nobody made sure I was okay so I guess that assumes what kind of people they are. The friend was attracted to me and would often flirt with me and me being drunk all the time I was stupid and didn’t really protect myself, he ended up assaulting me on the porch in the middle of the night when we were just plainly smoking a cigarette, it was random and I was caught off guard. I’ve done some shameful things that I’m not proud of. I was just used by them anyway for a party friend, someone to be around. My drinking got worse and I ended up leaving that person a couple years after and met up with another guy who I would often see and he would feed me alcohol and whatever I wanted, he wasn’t a good person.

He was well off and wanted to be with me but I wasn’t interested I just wanted alcohol. He ended up also assaulting me in a black out and I saw him crying the morning after and it was strange, like he knew what he did. he ended up putting his hands on me one time and the relationship ended and I broke contact completely. After these events I was alone and I was literally drunk every day and night for a whole year straight. Began drinking whole 30 cases along with pints and sometimes a fifth. Waking up on the floor in my bedroom with beer cans all around me and still drunk. My parents were scared and didn’t understand what was wrong with me my mom is also a heavy drinker and I’ve drank with her alot of times but this isn’t about her. July 9th 2017 I ended up shattering my leg in a drunken binge in the middle of the night. I crawled to the bathroom crying and crawled back to my bedroom realizing I couldn’t walk.

My leg was black and purple and I went to the hospital and had a spiral fracture, I have a titanium rod as a result. I forever regret this, it is chronic pain I have to live with because of my addiction. I would wake up with panic attacks from drinking and try to find more to relieve the panic and could not. I’ve had hallucinations and seen demons around me and I thought I was going to hell, it didn’t stop me from drinking. I’d throw up blood and still drink after. I gained weight and didn’t recognize myself anymore. I’ve lost 10 pounds since, but I still don’t feel happy with myself yet. In 2018 I met my now husband and he knew all about my alcohol use and I instantly fell in love with him at first sight.

He was the only person who seemed to genuinely care to know me and was not scared of me from my drinking. I drank heavy with him and he knew that, he is a truck driver and I would be on the road with him at that time, sometimes for months. I got to travel around the country with him and experience things I never got to. He helped me see more to life besides alcohol but i still continued. In 2022 we got our first home together and things seemed ok but I still drank and I would start to get 24 packs and I would only have 6 left the next day, so I guess that’s a good estimate of how much I could drink still. I’d black out and wouldn’t sleep till 2 in the afternoon and wake at 5pm, I barely slept or ate. I was sick. I realized I didn’t want this anymore so I stopped. We got married August 11th of 2024 that day was amazing and it was happy to see him as my husband because we went through so much hell together, he has always stuck around and seen me and my worst and has stayed. He is an amazing man. My life has been better, my urge for alcohol suddenly went away and I completely stopped before the end of 2024. I still have urges to drink out of boredom but I can’t go back. If i drink even 1 it will be more until I’m passed or ,or dead.

Really sorry for the incrediblely long story but I wanted to share the full experience. I still have more but it is too long too add, and some things are too shameful to share and fear of judgement. The person who I was with alcohol is not me and it tainted apart of my soul that is not welcome back. Thanks for reading :heart::heart::heart::heart:

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Hey, welcome to Talking Sober! :slight_smile: We’re glad you found us, it’s a great resource to have in your back pocket.

I’m sorry to hear about your ex and his group of friends. You didn’t deserve any of the pain they put you through. :broken_heart:

I’m glad you met your husband! He sounds like a good guy. Added bonus that you got to travel with him, how sweet! I love road trips so I bet that was a lot of fun.

Congrats on beginning your sobriety journey!

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Welcome :wave: Congratulations on your sobriety! And wow, yours is such a similar story to mine. I used to wonder how my life would’ve been if I never dated the guys I did. I always just went along with whatever they were doing. Dumb. But alcohol was already in my picture, so I don’t blame them (even tho I did while I was drunk :roll_eyes:).

Please don’t apologize for sharing anything. That’s the whole point of this place. Definitely not a place of judgment either. We’re the ones who understand. Alcohol made me completely unrecognizable to myself. It made me cheat. It made me lie. It made me drive drunk every single day. It made me drink mouthwash! I was disgusting. I couldn’t even look in the mirror in the end. Now I gotta live with it, but I know I don’t ever have to be that person again. Neither do you :hugs: Glad you’ve made it to the other side :pray:

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Thank you, I’ve moved on from them so I’m okay now. It was very fun being on the road with him we had a great time! I’m excited to see how life is sober and finally put all of that behind me, thanks for the sweet comment.

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I’m glad to know this is a judgment free place, and I agree with what you said. I’ve done really terrible things like the things you’ve mentioned, and probably things I don’t even remember doing too. That’s scary resorting to other alcohol products if you can’t get the one you like, I’m glad it didn’t cause any long term harm that must have been scary to go through. Thank you the comment, glad I can be apart of this community.

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Congratulations and Welcome. I don’t know you , however I can recognize myself in some of your share. That fact is the amazing and brilliant miracle about this program.
An old timer told me when I first came to the rooms of AA. Alcoholics Anonymous is a “We” program not a “Me” program. This helped me so much when I had triggers and/or urges. I was reminded to ask for help, to call, ….to go to a meeting and to work my program everyday.
I am proud of you. And look forward to hearing from you as We travel on this road to happy destiny.

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Honestly, it really just opened my eyes to the severity of my situation (and it was only the one time bc it did make me incredibly sick). I remember hearing someone share about that in AA and thought to myself ''Wow :astonished: I’d never be that desperate. Thank God I’m not that bad!" But desperate times call for desperate measures when something else is controlling you. As long as I have the control to say ‘no’ the first time, it can’t control me at all. Looking forward to hearing more from you :blush:

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I’m really glad you’re healing and sober now, sorry for the late response I’ve been sick with a cold. And yeah addiction can make you resort to things you’ve never imagined doing. It’s horrible, You seem like a really strong person and I hope you’re doing well. :blush:

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Thank you for the reply, I feel relieved to join a community that is actually welcoming. Some of the others were not. It’s sweet to hear someone say I’m proud of you, words I’ve barely heard my whole life. Thank you. I hope you’re doing well. :slightly_smiling_face:

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How are you doing today? Welcome to the greatest sober community you will find.

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I’m doing okay I think, sorry for the late reply. How are you?

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Welcome. Thank you for sharing your story and I wish you well in your recovery.

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I am doing great thanks for asking. Stay close to us my friend and you can succeed with your goals. Have a great day.