Hi everyone, I’m new to this community. I’m 30 female and my alcohol addiction started when I was 18 after I met my ex who I dated for 3 years. It started out as just hanging out and having fun, I only used marijuana at first and then it transitioned to alcohol, When I first started drinking it made me sick and I probably had alcohol poisoning. The person I was with was a drug user and dealer he was strongly possessive over me and controlling but, I didn’t notice at first. We started going to parties and I would get insanely drunk every time and black out. I’d be on the floor wasted and just throwing up into a bucket with people around and everyone just continued on talking and hanging out like it didn’t matter. They were friends of my ex so we were there often.
I would still be awake on and off and talking and throwing up and then back asleep, nobody made sure I was okay so I guess that assumes what kind of people they are. The friend was attracted to me and would often flirt with me and me being drunk all the time I was stupid and didn’t really protect myself, he ended up assaulting me on the porch in the middle of the night when we were just plainly smoking a cigarette, it was random and I was caught off guard. I’ve done some shameful things that I’m not proud of. I was just used by them anyway for a party friend, someone to be around. My drinking got worse and I ended up leaving that person a couple years after and met up with another guy who I would often see and he would feed me alcohol and whatever I wanted, he wasn’t a good person.
He was well off and wanted to be with me but I wasn’t interested I just wanted alcohol. He ended up also assaulting me in a black out and I saw him crying the morning after and it was strange, like he knew what he did. he ended up putting his hands on me one time and the relationship ended and I broke contact completely. After these events I was alone and I was literally drunk every day and night for a whole year straight. Began drinking whole 30 cases along with pints and sometimes a fifth. Waking up on the floor in my bedroom with beer cans all around me and still drunk. My parents were scared and didn’t understand what was wrong with me my mom is also a heavy drinker and I’ve drank with her alot of times but this isn’t about her. July 9th 2017 I ended up shattering my leg in a drunken binge in the middle of the night. I crawled to the bathroom crying and crawled back to my bedroom realizing I couldn’t walk.
My leg was black and purple and I went to the hospital and had a spiral fracture, I have a titanium rod as a result. I forever regret this, it is chronic pain I have to live with because of my addiction. I would wake up with panic attacks from drinking and try to find more to relieve the panic and could not. I’ve had hallucinations and seen demons around me and I thought I was going to hell, it didn’t stop me from drinking. I’d throw up blood and still drink after. I gained weight and didn’t recognize myself anymore. I’ve lost 10 pounds since, but I still don’t feel happy with myself yet. In 2018 I met my now husband and he knew all about my alcohol use and I instantly fell in love with him at first sight.
He was the only person who seemed to genuinely care to know me and was not scared of me from my drinking. I drank heavy with him and he knew that, he is a truck driver and I would be on the road with him at that time, sometimes for months. I got to travel around the country with him and experience things I never got to. He helped me see more to life besides alcohol but i still continued. In 2022 we got our first home together and things seemed ok but I still drank and I would start to get 24 packs and I would only have 6 left the next day, so I guess that’s a good estimate of how much I could drink still. I’d black out and wouldn’t sleep till 2 in the afternoon and wake at 5pm, I barely slept or ate. I was sick. I realized I didn’t want this anymore so I stopped. We got married August 11th of 2024 that day was amazing and it was happy to see him as my husband because we went through so much hell together, he has always stuck around and seen me and my worst and has stayed. He is an amazing man. My life has been better, my urge for alcohol suddenly went away and I completely stopped before the end of 2024. I still have urges to drink out of boredom but I can’t go back. If i drink even 1 it will be more until I’m passed or ,or dead.
Really sorry for the incrediblely long story but I wanted to share the full experience. I still have more but it is too long too add, and some things are too shameful to share and fear of judgement. The person who I was with alcohol is not me and it tainted apart of my soul that is not welcome back. Thanks for reading