My daily challenge/s I experience outside the controlled environment

I made this topic because I have come to my reflections that every individual needs an outlet. This outlet that comes in the form of writing would help people in recovery like me to reflect more with the help of others’ tips and opinions.

This topic is also open for others’ to share their daily challenge/s too let alone receive tips and opinions from others.

(Instead of making a lot of topics whenever I feel bad I think I’ll stick with writing on this one.)

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Today was a battle I had just going to places. I feel my heart pounding with cowardice. I was expecting talk from around. I didn’t hear much but the thought of it was stealing away my focus on what I must do. I feel the frustration I had before when I tried to do my best just to be hired for a job because I wanted to earn money to buy things I want and that included vices. I couldn’t help but linger in the thought of how I wasted a lot of time wherein I was doing my best to get a job before. I’m not looking for pity. I’m just trying to stall because it’s the only thing I can do for now. I have no savings. I have no capability of purchasing what I need/want not at least now. I just need to bounce back to what I must do at present. I even messaged my mother that I think I will just end up watching TV some time in the future. Nevertheless the goal is to get my passport back and setup a bank account. I just feel sad because I don’t think I would be in this kind of situation which is being financially incapacitated. I’m not a kid and I just can’t find the way on how I could’ve done things more better before that would not let me be in this kind of situation. I’m being impatient once more. When I was looking at stuff I knew I could’ve bought them if I didn’t go the wrong way before. The good part of it was I just felt sad and I kind of feel the same way before at the same time that I reasoned out to myself that I should do drugs to alleviate the feeling. I just didn’t even want to smoke cigarette either. I feel like I’m a kid now because I didn’t get what I want and feel like this but who would be the kid? The person who got stressed and smoked cigarette or the person who didn’t smoke cigarette but showed kidlike attitudes? The challenge I faced today was about the addictive behavior of “I want it and I want it now” minus the drugs. I still have it and all I can do is to find other means to stall it because every feeling is temporary as what I have been taught. I think I had enough of reflecting and I think I should find other means now.

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Today’s challenge was why am I frightened of colored hair? Why am I also afraid of people whom I don’t know that would just ask me something? I think I just hated people because whatever they talked about in the past that had something to do with me felt like they were all attacks to me whether they were sympathy or hate. I am always expecting whatever it is that will be said by others whenever I go outside our house. I don’t get it because I only have one friend on Facebook which is my mother and a couple of followers on instagram whom I don’t think is relevant for that matter. I don’t think that they will use up time just to see my instagram or Facebook either. My issue was that I will need to get along with new people when the time comes that I work and I don’t think I will co-exist with new people harmoniously because I don’t like people’s talk and they Facebook the shit out that’s not even essential to living. I looked good earlier. I was expecting shit talks again and the problem is that I got mad when I got talked to. I’m not after friends. I’m after money and I need it badly because I don’t want to starve in the future. I’m not interested in video games either to stall me. It’s a good thing I learned earlier and it lessened the frequency of when I’ll be going back to the store. There are people that keeps on looking at what I do. It’s like they keep on trying to make my life miserable because they let other people know what I’m doing and they talk endlessly to others until it reaches me at some point. I don’t need any public report. It’s not relevant because I will never act a pervert outside/in real life. I will also never cort anyone either. The only ones who will feed me is my family and I think I can stick with that. I have a lot of porn video files btw but I never did involve myself with others. I’m just not interested in anyone. They can all expect that I will stay single until I die. Even if they bet on it or even me I will keep being single because there’s no point in partner finding because people are just going to expect money from me and I’m already broke and doing my best to find an earning. I don’t like people expecting something from me. If people do? I flee. I flee because it’s a stupid decision to invest time and effort on others instead of my family. Besides I already have considered people other than my family to be relapse traps and nothing more.

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Yesterday I was able to eat food once more with what I think is crystal meth again from I don’t know what would be the contaminated food is but it’s a meal with chicken, rice, a pizza slice and lasagna with a side order of garlic bread that had cheese dip along with it. I drank coconut juice with crystal meth before and my mother was able to drink it too. It keeps on happening for I don’t know what reason. People think I am famous or I am something like an enemy that’s why they keep on doing it but you know I just have to wait things out. This is a plot made for me to engage myself into the stupid roller coaster path of vices once more. They think I will not end up in rehab anymore because my mother promised that I will not be sent to rehab again. If I’m not going to be sent to rehab then what will happen? The three things people who do drugs suffer which are getting sent to rehab, getting into jail and dying would be just getting into jail and dying. I still do not want that to happen. I already drank antibiotic and I’ll do cleansing later maybe with water. Why do they keep on doing that to me and my mother? Maybe this means they are going to introduce someone who will vice me up. It’s a good thing that I just stay home. I was supposed to rehearse yesterday but the problem is my chest hurts really bad and I know it has something to do with what I ate. I had tingly sensation just as how I used to do drugs before. It’s so stupid but you know I wouldn’t bother going to the police anymore and I’ll just stay away. This is something that people do so that others will not live properly. I’m sad because people want me to suffer wherein I’m already suffering everyday because of these people who keeps on being famous even though something is already happening to a person like me. People think I want to fuck these famous ladies. I don’t intend to and I keep on bending all these things other people know by using my social media so that I can continue what I’m doing which is work out without the stupid talk around because it really stresses me out and I can’t focus on what I’m doing. But then again it’s not something new and I know how to deal with it. My problem is about other people who’s interested in doing things to bring me down. I will not complain ever because I know that my family is a target for this stupidity. There are a lot of rich people and we are not one. People keep on doing this to me because they know that I will not fight back. I will survive it and be more of what I can be. That’s how I see things now since this happened again. If just in case that person will read this. Thank you for giving a high last night because I remembered how I hate drugs and what could be the outcome and consequences of it. It’s a good thing I work-out everyday. A day of intoxication needs a week or two maybe even a month or more being sober and a lot of supplementing with exercise and diet.

It’s day 2 from when I ate that food and I’m starting to suspect even the water I drink is also contaminated but I could not entertain my hunch because I was drinking water at home a day before already. My tongue is still itchy and I think my workout wasn’t enough. You know when I drank coconut juice that had meth in it when I was working out I felt it wear off at that instant. This time I think it wasn’t enough because I can feel my tongue still really itchy. I’m getting tired already because I think people want me to be big. My problem with being big is that I feel a lot of things. I was already feeling way better and now I feel really pissed off. Tomorrow I will do more time with workout to sweat this off. I think 5 hours will do. I will do workout until I feel that click that I felt last time. I hope a day of antibiotics will be enough.

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Do you know this method of drinking alkaline water and then induced with crystal meth? When crystal meth is used the tissue is stressed and shaped into how it’s stressed during the high and when it subsides the tissue regenerates after an indefinite period of time. Alkaline water slows metabolism and it makes the tissue in it’s stressed shape take more longer to go back to it’s supposed shape. Using crystal meth and singing and then drinking alkaline water will make the voice box take a specific muscular shape and produce a more fluent sound. I was being done with that in an unnoticed manner specifically a square water container long. I know how to fix it. Do you know why I hate it? It’s because I feel stuff and people are confusing me so that I will not notice it. It’s a good thing I didn’t break stuff or hurt someone. I broke a lot of stuff in my home when our drinking water was alkaline. I just hate alkaline water. People think I’m dramatic about it but there’s no alkaline water in the past so why would I be the person who’s dramatic about it now? I’m blaming it for the reason of why I got confused. I’m still getting it for I do not know what reason it is at all other than people who are interested in my talents. They’re not even paying me for it. People who does don’t really expect me to be like that either. My sweating could be the reason. I have less sweat during work out when on alkaline water. I’m acidic and when I was a kid I wore a watch that my brother worked hard for to give me as a gift. It broke down like salt because of my sweat. I wish it would stop already with this stupid shit they keep on doing to me. Look I did a lot of rants lately and I back tracked everything shit it’s within the time period of drinking water that turned out to be alkaline water instead of purified that I expected. There’s nothing good about it for me. I only hurt other people’s hearts with alkaline water. It doesn’t work for me so why can’t these people who keep on wanting to join in my life don’t understand that it’s not favorable to me. I’m already drinking turmeric drinks too. I will stop drinking turmeric drinks too so I can fix this. I’m sad because I’m the only one who’s doing music already and other people wants in on it. I really surprised because I tried to rehearse and I was doing it on an unexpected level. They’re playing around with me. I will just sacrifice my chance to buy stuff and focus on fixing my body instead once again. It’s a good thing I noticed I was singing arrogantly because of ease that I remembered I was not supposed to because I knew that my voice was supposed to be still recovering.

Today I decided not to go workout. I don’t feel good and I’m sad. I tried for other means on how to earn money because I experienced that meth thing again. I thought I will just experience it over and over. It happened to me twice already. I even blamed my drinking water supplier because I have trouble with alkaline water. I know I was being given alkaline water because I felt numb face earlier. Drinking alkaline water makes me feel drunk with alcohol. I was supposed to go play my music at a mall where there’s hang out spots. I didn’t go because I knew I’m not in the right condition. I know I can but I’m just not in right. People know me and they keep on doing this because they want me to be like a superstar in singing. What a bad idea people nowadays have. I don’t do music for contests. It’s not like if I play my music in such manner that I will earn money from the people who will listen. Even all content that is uploaded to the internet is manipulated for less quality. Why would people even bother experiencing alien-like voice with performances? Don’t mics and speakers do that job? I’m sad because my recent endeavor has been toyed upon even though I spend a lot of time pursuing it. Even applying for a job is now a no for me because I will definitely end up hurting other people’s hearts and even mine when I encounter these situations and this doesn’t include work conflicts even. I feel tired of it already. I don’t know why they would bother doing that to me. Why not they just use all their drugs for themselves? I stopped drinking turmeric also. I’ll resume tomorrow with my workout. I feel my chest is throbbing like heat this morning. I tried making another method out of the website I made before and I failed. I’m taking a break now and later I’ll sleep this off.

I’m sad today because I felt again that nobody would want me to live at ease. I’m getting frustrated because I can’t seem to go up the food chain. People still want me to suffer substance. I’m starting to think people doesn’t want me to do work out because if they do then I wouldn’t get drugged with stuff I consume then what should I do? I don’t think playing games would be enough because my laptop is too obsolete to play games. Why do people who have drugs won’t stop bothering me? I’m not after selling them out. I’m after people who wants to send their loved ones to rehab. It doesn’t mean I’m going to call for rehab staff at once and that’s not how the rehab works because it is a privilege given to those people who wishes to change. It’s not like if the person was sent there then there would be a guarantee of change already that will happen because it will take time. I’m a bit off today because I think I’m going to fail in being thrifty so I can ask for a new computer. I know I did something but I don’t think that it will be the reason for gifts to be given to me. I just hope I fend this feeling off later because I’ll push through with workout. I’m not adding people on my social media because I have social issues that I don’t want other people to be dragged in. It’s just another way to contact me and others. I also think it’s more convenient this way too. Come to think of it this method I have been doing seems to make me realize how frequent I become negative. I kind of understood that I have to check myself more to regain composure.

I say this with concern and love brother. Ive been shown how to stay clean one day at a time by old school bastards to say the least lol. So I’ll try to lay it out reasonably I don’t know if ur currently using but the first step is to NOT. Or else you will never accomplish one thing . Being financially, spiritually, physically, emotionally broke comes with the lifestyle. “You feel the pleasure better take the pain”. I’m glad you see the continuous negativity you write down so it’s doing something for you in some way with the writing. What I do know with 18 years of doing the same thing expecting a different result is a lot of that time I sat in a pity pot nice and comfortable too. I’ve been desperate for change plenty that’s why I’m not big on that “Gift of desperation” I’ve gotten that present a few times in my life and wasn’t enough to keep me from using. Stimulants are beast in their own right and will fuck you’re brain up real good. You want a tip? Opinion? If you’re tired of being sick and tired of you’re own self inflicted misery These are suggestions that turned this functioning addict, street junkies life into something I never thought possible…“you only have to change one thing and that’s everything”, gym is a good outlet but doing 30 N.A. meetings, 30 days 100% abstinent, get a sponsor, work the steps and it doesn’t have to be all in one day. All this are huge fuckin steps and the 2nd hardest things I’ve done in my life besides watching my aunt deteriorate before my eyes every single day with ovarian cancer till she passed. If you decide to do these things write a list of what’s gotten better and what has gotten worse in 30 days, and in 30 days if you are not satisfied with the progress in youre life…you’re misery will gladly be refunded to you. Remember you’re addictions are just outside doin pushups waiting to fuck you up. I’ve tried to beat the odds I always lost. Take back you’re precious life one day , one hour, one min, one second, one moment at a time because I Know that’s how it was and is for me but it does get easier I promise you brother. I love you man message me anytime. :blue_heart:

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I know that it will and I thought to myself that this won’t make me relapse. I may throw a lot of garbage on the internet but it’s nothing compared to the suffering I caused my family before I was sent to rehab and even if I feel and think of all these things my task at hand is known and I should focus on it. It is sobriety and what I intend on is to continue music. I’m just way too pissed of with what I feel recently and it’s because of fraternities that are onto me wanting me to still do drugs well at least that’s what I knew and I could only think of them who intends to make me suffer once more. I just don’t need the trouble I went through to happen once again. Every word I hear around gets to be listened with the best of what I can do in order to get a grasp if it’s already safe for me to go try enter employment. My thinking is that if those things still happen then chances are I won’t last very long with the job that I would be very lucky to be hired with but then again. I’m not forced to do that. I’m just keeping myself away from the people who in the future might be the cause of my relapse from all the negative things I have experienced. I don’t go to meetings because I would like to just stay with my mother more. It’s not like I’m getting destroyed already but I’m just doing all the best I can to fix it as early as it has not yet happened. I know what to do but I just kind of feel negative about it because it happened twice already. I’m feel okay and looking forward to getting better more everyday that comes wishing that my life would stay in good rather than falter and dive into bad. I feel that my solution to this is add new people into my life but my problem is that they will just get dragged into my life. I don’t think letting other people be with me will be the best decision these other people will make because of the stereotype of being a drug addict. I just don’t like them to be untrusted because of me besides I’m not getting myself intoxicated anymore. I find friends to be intoxicators that’s why I will just do my best to not get involved with their lives.

That’s a good plan. Try to focus on the sobriety, man.

As for the friends, maybe some new ones are in order? Like @Jftself said, maybe you can find some new ones in recovery programs? People who are focused on sobriety and living their best lives?

I’ve heard it said, you are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with. Best to choose them wisely!

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I don’t see how it will help others. I was a freeloader/less of a freeloader with alcohol drinking and I can’t understand now what is the purpose of me gaining new friends. I’m just going to throw at them all the bad experiences that I had and I don’t think it will help them either. I used to have a conversation with someone on the phone with that kind of situation. She had a lot of bad stuff going on and I was a friend who listened. I didn’t catch much of what she said on the phone because they were just too many for me to comprehend at once and truthfully I was stressed with what she was saying because I understood that I’m not going to be of any help with the situation. I tend to remember stuff like that whenever I see others. I used to magnet people around me because I radiate my good mood around but the problem is that I’m just too filled with negativity and I don’t want others to be dragged in it and it’s because of what I mentioned earlier. I know certain people who will understand the situation but the thing is I’m irrelevant to them then again I bounce back to my old habit of always gaining new people and when I think of that I at once halt because there’s no point in doing it anymore. I can only think of colleagues with that and I failed to enter employment that’s why I do not have colleagues. What happened to me in the past made me understand that nobody wants to be part of my life and let alone me being part of their lives. I ended up in rehab and I understood also that when my family sent me there to change I caught something along which is that there are people who gets paid to be part of people’s lives that’s why I can’t seem to see the benefit of them being connected to me other than them suffering the consequence of bearing the stereotype of a drug dependent. I don’t believe that the trust given to them by their loved ones will be intact if I would enter their lives.

That’s what I’m doing at the moment. I just end up experiencing bad stuff. It’s no big deal for others but for me it’s very critical because I really do not like getting intoxicated anymore. It’s not like I’m going to be sent back to rehab but the time I spent within the walls of the controlled environment revolved around how many ways I hate intoxication. It’s a gruesome experience to be shouted at by people who’s not even paying for my labor after all.

What Jftself said is true because people in recovery knows that we need people that will give time in listening to us. I can’t risk telling other people stuff because I know it will not help them in their endeavors. I will be just be another distraction or I will just stall them from reaching what they are intended. I was very happy because I was able to find talkingsober.com. I have found another channel that I know will give time in understanding me.

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You mention needing to help others a lot. For now, perhaps it is enough to help yourself only.

We cannot give what we do not have. As you grow more comfortable in sobriety, perhaps giving will become easier later.

When I got sober everything felt kind of a mess. I had a lot of bad thinking and bad habits I needed to change. I wasn’t always sure what was right. My new “sober friends” were people in recovery. I tried to listen more than talk. To understand what they were doing and try it for myself. But I wasn’t in much of a place to offer anything for a while.

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That was in the past with how helpful I was to others. I don’t think I should be involved with people in recovery in other ways than something like this. If it will turn out to be something else than this then I think they will just turn into a relapse trap because of the complacency that will occur. I’m not the snob type but I just don’t see how the bond is relevant anymore unlike in the past I didn’t even choose people and I just accepted everyone because I had purpose for music. Recently I’m still doing music but I just do not want others to suffer what I am experiencing. I was gossiped about and it’s intentionally done for me to think of it and break me apart. It’s still happening and it’s the main reason why I simply cannot add people into my life anymore because I will just make confusion to them. I make friends with people then other people who gossips will end up knowing these people I made friends with and then what? I break my credibility because what I show people is the opposite of what others will say. Their intention is to shut off my door to continue change. What I have thought to myself is that if they are doing that then I’m just wasting time trying to consider looking for new people to be part of my life. It’s not like if I don’t have friends on my social media then I don’t have people around knowing me and interacting with me. People are driven nowadays with the social media and they find me weak because I don’t have “friends”. If they’re going to read this I have something to tell them too. Your can’t tag along the lot of them in real life. It’s not like if I have a lot of friends on social media they would mean that they are relevant people in my life. Relevant people is family and no one else.

I was exhausted accompanying my mother today to buy food stocks. I ended up coming across another coconut juice vendor and I drank. I ate stuff which are street food and chips when I got home and now I suddenly feel something hurt on my back. I hope it’s not meth. I’m kind of thinking if I drank coconut juice in the past that had meth and I drank coconut juice once more today. Would I feel something the same as how I felt the last time even if it doesn’t have it? If that’s true then meth was just made to destroy what discipline a person has been trained to have. I’m eating and eating recently. My diet has not yet come back into how I pursue my 110-120 bpm for one and half hours of cardiovascular workout. I will just not mind it and workout. Everything gets fixed with regular exercise, diet and ample sleep. I’ll just do my best to come back at it. I’m just resting a bit and I’ll continue later. I went to another bank today and inquired for how to apply for a new account. Surprisingly I’m confused because when I asked for what I needed I was given a new set of requirement which is a bit different from my initial inquiry from another bank. I don’t know with my mother. I contacted the company that I’m going to use that account for. I’m really getting shy with them because they have helped me a lot and now I’m still demanding more help from them. I thought I was already set on the first bank but then again I do not know why I’m introduced to another bank. I even declared in loud voice that I will find a job because we’re inquiring about credit card already. I’m not earning so much with the company that I’ll use the bank account for and I’m just pursuing it because it’s how I earn. For what it’s worth whatever happens I will open a bank account on the first bank I inquired for or should I with the other one?. I’m really confused because I already know what to do and I end up being fed more info that I do not need any more. I sent a message to the company already and I’m waiting for their response. I’m upset now because of this confusing situation. When I obtain the necessary document I will have it prepared along with other requirements. I think I’ll just go with the latest I made the inquiry about. I’m sad because I talked to people already. I don’t talk like I don’t seal the deal. I feel bogus because of my mother. I’m stressed at the moment because I’m known by people. You know people around suddenly moved aggressively when I was done talking to the bank employee and I tried talking to my mother. I’m greatly affected because I know what I’m doing is right. It’s like people disagrees on what I’m doing for I do not know what reason there is. I feel like I’m still doing drugs even though I am not. This is because of what happens to me before whenever people I get to come across with talks about stuff that will tend to endanger me and make me end up being caught red-handed of being positive of drugs. I would agree with my new inquiry because sufficient documentation would prove that what I’m doing now is legitimate.

I will comply with the requirments.

I do not believe the music opportunity that has been given to me for free is false. I now have a hint that people are clouding the identity of my distributor with ill information.

[link removed] is free to use and there are privileges granted for pro accounts (paid).

[link removed] is legitimate and I’m going to prove it. I have been working on it all this time already. The bank account is for my music distributor.

If it ain’t it wouldn’t have my music over at apple music that proves legitimacy to me already.

I’m unlike other music artists. I can explain it on a gamers category. Hardcore gamers and plain gamers. Those who participate with distributors that requires payment for their music releases are what I can assume to have a network or program on how they will market their music further. I’m a plain gamer on a side note or what I can say a musician and not a hardcore musician who was able to turn their hobby into work.

I might be in the category of employed but it doesn’t mean that I can’t do other things. If I would be lucky then I think I can just focus on music but the thing is it’s kind of the same as what I did when I still didn’t have a distributor.

It’s like playing a gig and getting paid for it and with [link removed] it’s about the plays and download streams of people on music platforms.

I don’t know what’s the big deal about it because I’m not going to earn if my music doesn’t get played or downloaded. What’s the big deal? If I don’t market my music then it won’t earn. I know what to do and that is to do shows where on my personal thinking is something that should have a sense of taste. Like what I did last time being a rebel and just played in the middle of a mall not caring for what others will say. The only problem was that I didn’t mention my music blog. How are they going to find it and show support by downloading or playing my music? The next “gig” to be done? I’ll definitely not forget mentioning my linktree profile which is [link removed] and hope to generate more downloads or plays with my music along with my Gcash account also.

Okay I’m sorry for putting up the links. I won’t do it next time.

I know people are onto me. I’m not the person who will go down easily. I was given many information from my father in how I will live. People think that the money we have comes from illegal things. Even if that’s the situation I have I will still do what I think is right just as what I was always doing all along. I may have tripped down the stupid life of intoxication but it does not mean that I should give up whenever I fail. Not everything will go my way. I was trained to obey inside the rehab even if what I was doing in the past was to obey. I was too much of the kid that I really loved being and it went on the wrong direction and with wrong company. I do not have any bad notion with others. However, I do with the way of thinking that they have. It comes from envy and people unnoticeably do things because of it. People think I’m stupid but what they don’t know is this is the first time I earned for myself with what I can do. The three dishes I made for the purpose of helping the body for cancer medication didn’t make me earn money. Even so with a couple of computer programs I made. However, I earned a little with music and that’s the reason why I will never put down music ever in my lifetime. I just hope I get a bank account already because everything’s going too slow and confusing wherein I just need a savings bank account after all.

I would like to stress also that I’m not a drug dealer because people think that I am. I don’t know how to do “announce to all” feature on online games in real life. I’d like to tell everyone “I am not a drug dealer.”.

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My left shoulder still hurts. I’m upset because it has been days already since the incident with food. If I relax it it doesn’t hurt but when I move it that’s the time it hurts. I will never do crystal meth. I don’t know why they have to do that to me. I’m not inviting anyone to make a band. That’s one of the reason why I know I was toyed around. They really keep on doing it. The pain is deposited? I will do work out and do my best to stay away from crystal meth. It just destroys the body. Why do people still want it? I’ll just block everyone so that they wont join in on me I’m not earning anything from them after all. I feel discouraged today but I will continue.

I just wanna let things out. I tried recording a song and I utterly failed because I just woke up and I had phlegm while I tried rehearsing/recording. Later on there were gun shots and dogs barking and moments after my mother woke up. I was trying to polish recording but the stress I experienced was just too much because I couldn’t bear having no control over other sounds that occur. I’m not that good but the problem is that I thought I’ve found the perfect timing because I could feel the silence is perfect. It was about 11:30 pm when I started recording. I failed to finish even the first. I thought of another method and that is to go to a music studio and use the mic a bit far just to have a little echo to record both vocals and guitar just trying to emulate the echo I feel inside the living room. I feel stupid because if I’m going to do that I’ll be wasting money on it instead of using their equipment to rehearse. I love the natural echo found inside our living room and find an a position to put my phone to record. It’s not good for me to record amplified sound because it’s too strong and my phone gets flooded with too much sound input. Now I’m hungry because I kept on trying to repeat the song I was recording and I ended up accumulating phlegm and making hoarse sound. I think I’m being done this because people want me to rent for a music studio. It’s not that. What I do is the most natural sound I can produce with my guitar and voice. I could call it raw recording. I want that because I know that the amplified one must go over the natural quality. I just feel I made a wrong move. It’s hard to look for the perfect silence if my mother is sleeping and I would wake her up because I’m trying to record songs. I can’t ask for a live line-in recording copy. It costs too much and I know a recording studio costing ₱4,000.00 a day for that kind of recording. I don’t have money for that and I know they can give me a setting that I can personally use but I’d rather not because I’m not good in mixing my sound over lives I just played the acoustic guitar a little less than a year. I also feel stupid if I’m going to ask for that much from my mother. I think I’ll just get shouted at if I did that. For the time being I’ll just make do with what I can. I think I’ll try what I had in mind which is to rent a music studio for sound proof and narural echo. I’m just doing an instrument and vocal recording and I think this method will work on my phone.

I slept and thought to myself I’ll just try recording the same way as before. I don’t like the way I’ll be recording it in the music rehearsal studio. I’ll become muk from pokemon.

I’ll just use voice memo the same as how I record. I just thought that I should think of other ways because I missed the chance I know I had caught. I kept telling myself just this time when I woke up that I’m not in a hurry to make the recording.

I’ll also stop thinking about it because I’m getting confused already. I’ll just stick with using voice memo on my phone.

I just woke up and I felt good but I pressed down on my bumps from all over my head. It hurts but I still pressed down on them. I couldn’t tell anymore from when was the time I already had this. I just want to fix it already and whenever I press down on them I seem to feel better with my arms. I don’t know if someone does it to me during the night or whatever. I just want to proceed with my life already. It’s a good thing I kept on trying to fix my body because I know there’s something wrong with it. They hurt all over my head and also parts of my body now but I seem to suddenly feel better when I press down on the bump that’s really sharp. They really hurt but then after I suddenly feel suddenly light.

I’m going rest more and pray I will get better sooner than later.

I tried Icing them just when I woke up now. They really hurt so much. I don’t know how or when this happened already but it’s a good thing my decision was to stay put at home and keep myself away from everyone. I can assume they used my name once again for I just do not know what. I know this because people around talk so much. I noticed it in the past because I tend to have a long range of hearing. Whenever I go near they talk and then when I go far they would stop and that started to happen a little less than two years before I finished studying. It kind of still happens and that’s the reason that I will never get close to anyone. I still keep on trading what I know for whatever I can gain just like how I was when I was still a kid. I am a son of a person who worked for a politician and I have money in the past to trade but I do not have money anymore. I’m sad because I can’t have a new computer so I can play games. Nobody seems to want to give me gig opportunities either. After I record the last album I wrote I will keep on rehearsing it up until mastery. When I achieve a health condition that I feel I can work with I will go find a job. When I woke up this morning I felt that strength and I suddenly knew I can go apply for a job already. It’s a good thing I did my best to finish my studying. I still have some kind of chance in applying for a job. I know I will have the job because the government knows me even way past I was even brought to rehab and they are respecting the study I had finished. They pity me because I’m just wasting my life flooding my self in alcohol and indulging myself in whatever I get my hands to. I’m still doing whatever I can to get back into working condition. I know that God is by my side and I will never stop doing what I can in order to lift myself up from being a push over and a free loader. I feel I was a push over because I know I wouldn’t have ended up with this stupid condition if I wasn’t. I have good things in mind and I’ll do everything I can to pursue them. Everything else don’t matter to me now. The goal is to be able to provide for what I desire and reach my goal to play music in music city. Nothing changed in that and I think I’m slowly getting back up already. I consider all people I got to know up until I was sent to rehab and within rehab to be irrelevant to what I plan to do with my life other than what I am doing now which is to find commission in whomever would want to send people to rehab. I haven’t found any up until now. I don’t care what they talk about I just do not want people around talking because it’s nonsense. I know they envy me because my family still loves me and gives me the same treatment. It’s just that they spent so much on be in being sent to rehab. It’s stupid because I didn’t get a job. When I was brought there what I aimed for was a job while I was healing but I ended up getting sick with uric acid problems that made my body not heal or maybe I was done bad and I’m just healing. What I wrote in the past has manifested into cyber security from Blackberry I am really glad. The future holds entrepreneurs bringing their stores in their hands delivering after-sale services engaging face-to-face credit card transactions and the like without having to worry about if there would be fraud or someone would steal their earnings. I know people thought of me as a money tree also maybe it’s because of it. I’m not and I don’t have capabilities to provide for my own. I’m doing my best to put into reality what I planned while I was inside the rehab.

I would like to thank people for extending their hand and adopting what I say and do. I know people think I won. What I can say is that I didn’t win. I’m just being shown that I am accepted even if I did wrong things in my life. I’m doing my best to achieve consistency. People might think I’m having a good time but I can tell you guys that it only comes after I do workout and after the effect of it it wears off I become weak again. It usually happens after I rehearse with music. I always check myself too with that. I can play really longer but it’s not like if I can do that long with it I can work that long too. I don’t know if I can stay in a cold environment either. I stayed inside the rehab for almost four years and it was cold there and my uric acid problems happened because of it. I can only assume. I hope they don’t talk with what they did because the world knows me a long way back. Long before I was sent to rehab. People love me because I always show good nature to all kinds of people.

There is a continuous talk that is still going on made to fish out the things done to me. There is a circular mark on my foot and it’s a really small one. I pressed on it and the redness made emphasis on that circular mark. It’s the size of a pellet. I could never think of how I stepped on something like it in my lifetime. There’s a scar with the same size on my right hand ring finger too.

Maybe it has something to do with the freemasons of the Philippines. I’ve found that my blood is part of that according to their record I found over the internet. I’m not joining and what people are doing to me can stop. It’s what I have been doing all these time laying stuff online that will make people stop whatever it is they’re thinking bad of me.

I’m working out and doing my best to get in shape. I can assume in shape means in working condition and that means Physically, Mentally, Emotionally and Spiritually ready to engage myself into work environment. I’m looking forward to applying for a job at a hotel that I know will hire me. It’s just a matter of time. If I won’t then I’ll just have to continue getting better.

When I went haywire in the past because of the things I feel and think out of being frustrated I smoked mari juana from this person who barged in which is also the person who loaned for a phone that was unpaid while I was thrashing our house in the past of the things I felt was jynxed which are mostly from my past relationship was the person I can think that planned all of this. When I got out? I talked to my mother and she was being told by him of places I can be sent for rehab. That’s the reason I got in the rehab I was positive of mari juana but I think they all know too well about it.

I’m glad I wasn’t sent to a rehab this mischievous person insisted on. Apparently this person is a son of a member of freemasons of the Philippines. I don’t know why would this person be like that to his own kin. Maybe because I haven’t joined? They don’t need to worry because I will never join.

I’m just sad because I’m requesting for a computer but my mother just won’t buy me one.

They think I changed. I can proudly say I don’t need change. What I need is to remove all these people who are the reasons for what I became. My past relationship was a 15k people famous one and I always fought hard to go out and continue my life being scared of fifteen thousand people who are fans of her. I’ve learned if it’s change for others they can share and post about it in whatever.

They think I went coo coo because I suddenly didn’t go out of our house anymore. Are they insane? They are the sources of the vices I do then they claim that I’m crazy? Don’t shove that on me I’m way above that kind of thinking.

I have been always like this ever since God knows when. I feel cheated of the money I know was planned for my family by my father.

If there’s a wish I can ask for. I would like to make these people who are accessories to the downfall of my dreams to have the same predicament I have. Being 100% unsure if other people are even safe to communicate with and always thinking that people will put a bullet in my head whenever they see me.

I’ve learned that nobody is safe.

I tried to sleep but my right rib cage had a spot that hurts. Over a little above the sternum is a spot too and just below the collar bone hurts too but it’s just a little. Pelvic area still hurts. Right shoulder hurts with some part on the bone on the back of it. My left shoulder hurts also too and left part back. My skull still has a pointy bump that really hurts when I press on it a little and also to the right but I feel light. I’m getting better by the day and I hope I get way better faster. I’m in a rush to heal and aim to find a relevant job. I’m glad I’m feeling this way already. I’m so eager to find work. Maybe the people who find me a scum has already stopped. Can I say that a drinking table that drinks alone doesn’t make any sense? Now that I’ve learned a lot from “enjoying” my life as a drink sport I don’t think I’d have to do that anymore let alone other stuff. I’m very glad because I feel really good at the moment. I just have to record two more songs and then I’ll rest. I know I got toyed around. I just didn’t have any choice but to be a robot. Once my skull heals I will proceed with my life. I would like to earn and save money. Thank you for doing this to me to whomever you are because I now know how to act which is to not trust anyone even one bit. The people I interacted with using my internet accounts know me and I just have to let them know I’m alive and still proceeding with my life after all of those things happened to me. I have cut all connections from everyone from my past even my neighbors on a cordial level and chose to communicate on a certain level below cordial. I will not get back at them to whom I suspect these things I feel came from. They can laugh all they want but I will continue playing my music of regret and reflection. I’m so excited now but I know I still need to heal. Earning is waiting for me and I’m going for a hotel and use my credentials. I’m still icing everything but I’m being very careful because it hurts a lot. I didn’t think that what I hit before would end up still being there. It has already been years. Aside from that a lot has happened and I am terrorized of the fact that I identified motive of how I can be hurt while sleeping. Nonetheless I’ll just focus on my health. I’m excited for tomorrow because it’s another day that I’ll get better.