My daily challenge/s I experience outside the controlled environment

I had a lot of frustration and I diverted everything into my improvement. Later I will accompany my mother. I feel myself coming back and I’m even disregarding the numbness I feel on my hands that I cannot use efficiently.

I had stopped thinking too much too. If I think too much I’ll just take a short nap. This is another step I’ll take. I’ll just not mind everything else and just relax.

I got exhausted. I’m resting now I need to go out. After I eat what I made I’ll go. What a busy day this is.

I feel stupid earlier. I was trying to buy strings. I failed to withdraw over and over from atms. I’ll just come to the bank tomorrow. I’m so pissed off because I know it’s already activated and I have changed it’s pin.

Now I think someone from my alma mater got eff’d. It was like a game when I was still studying everytime I move someone reacts and there’s someone that gets eff’d or what. I was really in a lot of stress because of that and I know it’s happening. I saw someone I know and I was readying my fists. I didn’t come to him because it’s pointless. I was rushing and I experienced emotional breakdown while on the PUV (jeepney) ride home. It’s because of my sweat. I’m always trying as much as possible to not sweat even though I really sweat a lot but my problem is I don’t like to be seen by people because they chat and they post.

I’m just upset now. I’m very well aware how I should communicate tomorrow for my atm card that doesn’t work on any atm machine.

I know what happened to me before was unecessary and it takes away a lot of energy from me even just to go out most specially on a planned task that failed.

My intention was to purchase a new set of strings. I even ran because I felt I was wasting time walking.

I’ll just relax. I don’t really do that. I always hit what I am working on as I planned and thought of.

I’ll just put it on a side note that I failed to ask for activation of the atm card. All I know is that I was able to change it’s PIN and I assumed that the atm card is already activated.

I don’t really quite remember much really and I’ll use a planner for all my bank activities/transactions.

I feel so stupid today.

Maybe it’s about pawning atm card. What a stupid idea. Who started that? I don’t know who would be so stupid to lend money in exchange for holding another person’s atm card. An atm is an ease of acces with their savings. How is the person going to pay for the amount loaned if their ability to access their funds from their bank account is held? They will do manual branch withdrawal or satellite branch manual withdrawal (with fee)?

What’s the point of the pawning of atm card?

I will never pawn my atm card. How am I going to buy stuff if I can’t get money from my savings account? Good thing I didn’t use it to buy a music stand directly from the music store just yet. My intention was to withdraw money to buy strings. I didn’t know it doesn’t work. It’s like that so that people will not see me passing a card. It’s like an upbringing of being wealthy. To buy stuff using a card only.

I’ll use it directly next time.

I’ll just have it fixed tomorrow.

I’m still angry. It’s because of all the angles I could think of with that situation from the atm card. I could think of google people who keeps on doing stuff. There where people whom I heard from my living room when I was on my laptop in the past. It’s them who made my lockscreen repeat for so many times. Apparently I’m calling all the attention of these people to come to the bank and I will deliver to them how I feel about all the things they have been doing that affected my life. Maybe people think giving me not the right service will help me. For what? Twice the time to come for my intention. I will do foreign exchange in the future and I do not have a wife.

You keep on doing these things for what? Thinking of how much money my mother has? None of it came from drugs believe me. You are mistaken because I never had the chance to sell drugs. I just brought drugs one time in the past because I owed the person who gives me drugs. I don’t have any source either. Not anymore. Maybe he died or what. I’ll always say that because I never want to have anything to do with anyone who sells drugs either.

No one will make me use drugs believe me. I will stay fat because it will be the reason why others will stop their ill interest on me. I’m the most stupid person if I’d get with someone (WOMAN). I’m broke and I’m just being helped out by my family.

Doing foreign exchange will give me the chance to earn for the equipment I need. That’s what I’m planning on doing.

There’s no reason for me to go back to my selfish ex. Even if she had a billion dollars I will never go back to someone who only thinks for herself.

I’m really like this being so frustrated because people just really keep on trying me for I do not know why at all.

Here is one fact. I’m not really in the position that women would want me.

They do not reply to me and that’s enough for me to understand that I’m not part of their lives. It’s not like I do not interact with them in real life. They don’t reply then there’s no way to see them. What? Am I wrong? I’ll just do what I know. I’m not after more responsibility. What am I stupid? I can’t even feed or buy myself whatever I want. I’m never going to leave my mother either.

Maybe it’s 51talk. Let’s exchange places. You be the one who’s so desperate to find work or a way of living. I’m already breaking apart at that time. There’s too much to think of. I was all doing those without the use of drugs. Now I’ve found myself suffering because people think I’m some sort of crazy person or I don’t know maybe they think I’m stupid.

I’m being helped and I can’t seem to find my way. I still have forex in my mind. I can’t find my way on traditional employment. I’ll just have to do what help I’m being given.

Maybe it’s because I didn’t attend commencement exercises. Maybe I chose the wrong course. I’m always facing belittlement and untrust.

All the money we have both me and my mother comes from her joint social security pension. I can feel I’m being tagged as money launderer. Our money didn’t come from ill ways. I have already been inside rehab and I never sold drugs. I don’t deserve the sarcasm of them feeling insecure of what I do. I will never put people I get in touch with to harm’s way. The contributions of my father and mother to the social security system is complete. It’s no cheat. It’s joint pension because my father has already been deceased. I’ve heard people say that I already have money when I stopped in front of the atm. Of course I have money I was given allowance by my mother. I was supposed to withdraw so I can buy a set of strings from the store. I tell my mother everything I do.

People make fun out of me doing right things. If I do wrong people shut their mouths. It’s the same thing. In the past if I smoke meth people just doesn’t talk and is very serious around. If I didn’t smoke meth people around talk really hard and it gives me a lot of stress feeling I’m going to be caught positive of crystal meth.

Now that my mindset is that I will never use drugs. Running to relieve my anger seems to be a rational idea even though my right leg hurt and right part of head while I just try and relieve it.

Why am I doing this? To relieve my stress and maybe this will help me in removing that thing which is very annoying. The noticing of other people with what I do. It’s not stupid to play music. It’s not stupid to cook and it’s also not stupid to use the atm machine. I wish I did all of these when my father was still alive and can walk. I was trained to withdraw from the atm machine when I was in elementary. I was so little yet I was taught to withdraw money and bring the money to my father which is waiting near the cashier line of the supermarket of a mall.

I’m not crazy. My internet activity was about trying things out and learning about what I saw. It’s too many? It’s because I was on a high. I was identifying what I can come up with from what is already available. That’s what I do because I don’t have anything to do. I was trying to find something that can be of value for me or others (to sell or maybe make work out of).

Now I’m a musician. Music doesn’t give regular pay. I’ll find other ways I can earn. People have a lot of jobs. My father had three jobs simultaenously. Part time job is different from what is collectively known as work? For me it’s still a job. Everything a person does to earn a living is a job. I’m trying to do a good job. I didn’t know it would be so hard to do.

There’s a post yesterday about me. Of course it’s them. The social media era generation. I’ve had enough of being part of that timeline who keeps on making me a stupid person. I could remember my iq test from highschool falsified. I know it’s because I’m a transferee.

I’ve already started deteriorating as early as that time. I cheated when I was in elementary and I was always in the first section too. Maybe in that fact I was being forced stupid. I can just pray that forcing me into being a dump will stop already because I’m just looking for a way of living.

What? People’s hobby nowadays is to make me stupid? How selfish they are. Even so I will just do my best.

The education I had from elementary in the urban zone had the scope with what I was being taught in highschool which is in the rural zone from the past that now is considered as urban because it’s within a town that has become a city already.

What? What I learned is wrong from elementary? Everything was gobbled up to prepare me for college. I didn’t talk about the little prince in highschool which was already taught to me from elementary.

This is what I’m getting at everyone is always pulling me down.

They don’t need to worry I’m never going to apply for a call center job anymore in my lifetime. I just told my brother that I will apply for a call center job again but I’m not going to anymore. I’ve been rejected a lot of times already. I just tried because I was approached by the supervisor years ago.

I practically have the oldest brain when I was a kid. I know how the streets are. I know stuff from the banks. I know how the social security system functions. I just went along because I didn’t really care much with what people are trying to do but don’t strip of me the right to live. I’m given the right to live by God.

This iPhone is invalid? Try going to the wet market. What me and my mother can experience with the social security pension comes from being so thrifty.

Cavite is a Province.

I’m losing life and a big portion of what life I should be experiencing. I already did everything I could. I’m still trying because that’s the next step. I’m sad because the lump sum my mother had upon retirement can never be the amount I can have. I’m 50% the worth I can be loved by a partner. I don’t like to go down to 0%.

I’m still stressed out so much. I’ll just move and eat it’s 5:00 am

I’m done eating and making a miracle.

I’m poor.

Rich people have resorts, businesses or even a small house and lot in the urban zone without garage.

I’m a living investment of my mother that’s why I’m always trying to find what will give me profit besides that all I do is generate expenses. Am I stupid to try everything I can? I’ve tried so many things already and they’re insufficient. I haven’t dried out of it just yet because I believe I have importance just as everyone else because I had the chance to be born.




I’m kind of upset but I’ve written it and I felt exhalation happening with my body.


I even studied on chinese school out of financial assistance.

Not everyone who goes up doesn’t go down. Riches are found in the things that are given importance. Me and my mother kept the first cabinet that my father bought from his first salary.


I’m still okay I’m just letting my thoughts flow to regain composure in approaching the bank and having my conflict with my atm card fixed.

My father does second endorsement cheques incashment from security guards. The reason is that security guards defend the establishment. They need to have their identities concealed. There’s a negative time where security guards go to banks to have their cheques in-cashed. They might be in danger while off duty doing that.

I didn’t see anything illegal that my father did. Most of them are financial assistances. The small convenience store becomes an information outlet also of the BIR income tax return fulfillment and even travel agency that’s why I know of the “show money” it’s at least ₱100,000.00 deposit a.k.a declaration of assets to apply for American tourist Visa from the American embassy. I also remember my father always stressing there is a specific date to pay taxes. My mind always swells because of all the information my father tells people. I’m always looking at nothing because I’m always thinking.

Whew. Now I’m trying to relax but it all just flows because I’m upset. I’m trying to understand how is it that I was hated wherein all I did all my life was to get along with others because I knew I will hated if I didn’t do somehing to prevent it. I failed I’m thinking why and how am I going to proceed.

In tagalog ako ay isang tao na hindi maire-ire.

In english

I’m a poop who can’t seem to be pooped out. This is metaphorically expressing in humor.

I learned that people who end up in jail automatically attains the status of “Deprived of liberty”. Liberty means having right to everything that the sovereign government grants it’s people.

I told my mother that I will steal and have myself brought to jail because that’s how I feel for a very long time already. I feel I’m deprived of liberty because I’m not earning anything. Money means movement. If I don’t have money I’ll stay still. I’m not dead yet but I’m “still”. Am I stupid to feel that way?

I’m not sorry for what happened to me I have never put anyone into harm’s way.

I’ll be sorry if I can’t breathe anymore because I’m inside a coffin.

I will continue with what I know. I understand that what I know is not wrong.

People have lists from the store and they are written one person per carton (carton rim case). My father always reminds them that they are going to have trouble because if they go beyond an estimated budget my father calculated that they spend monthly my father is going to be forced to put them in a tight situation with them running short for budgets with their families.

How is it that I think I suffered wherein I’ve learned camraderie as early as nursery and kindergarden.

I’ll just set all of them aside. It’s hard to live. Be perfect even though it’s unattainable.

I’m just doing things of what I know.

I’m never going to celebrities because I’m just being made to notice things from them. I already tried in the past and there’s nothing. I thought there was something about helping me because I understood that they knew I’m trying to find a way to earn or live. I’m already stopped some links that might have been because I do not intend to put myself in trouble. Why do I think it’s trouble? Because people around always talk. That’s speaking already with intentions. My brother suffered because of a ring tone. Why would I not be scared of people who keeps on talking? I’m wrong to think it’s danger? I don’t think so. If it has something to do with me or even if it’s similar to what I just did it only means danger. Tell me if I’m paranoid or what I know how to think and behave is right.

Fame is honor. If I have no honor I do not have fame. I don’t believe I am famous because my honor has been tainted over and over.

I still will act like someone I am not?

I have been acting the right thing already ever since I knew I had to do things right instead of doing things all over again.

It’s sleeping time. It was so hot. It was exhausting.

It’s nap time.

It’s nap time again.

I am awake and I prepared food for me and my mother. Yesterday I had a dizzy moment while riding the PUV (jeepney). I’m not used to going out and I have fear. I’m just running on forced courage but I try to make a mindset that I’m not doing anything wrong for me to be scared. I have this pounding heartbeat whenever I go out then it intensifies whenever my mother is being left behind then I have to stop and wait for her. Then the fear comes because I feel being still is an opening for danger to enter. I’ll get used to it I just need to go out more often. Yesterday I saw a familiar face I think she grew older from what I remember how she looked like but I didn’t greet her because there’s no reason to do it. I cracked a joke when I found one.


“Pizza ka ba? Crust kasi kita.”

I said to the air facing the photo frame that displays those texts…

“Pizza ka ba? Crust kasi kita… panabi?”
“Pizza ka ba? Crust kasi kita… hawakan?”

It means edging? Crust of pizzas are found on the outline it’s circumference. What I meant was the infatuated is considered as someone who’s only on the edge or side. A second choice. If the preference was failed to be achieved then there goes the side. Being on the side to be chosen which is the second choice.

The second one is handle. Crush or infatuated as a handle or “hawakan”. Once the point of interest is captured into the whirlpool of physical and emotional intimate attraction there goes being a handle of a person. There’s no reason to keep in the uprising intimate connection but it’s still clinged upon on a consistent motion. Being a slave with all the assets of the opposite gender is what I meant with the word crush being a handle or “hawakan”.

I don’t know if she understood it but I definitely know women I’ve found is always interested and entertained with me because of those things I do and I never exploit the opportunity I get to make a connection with women. Because their presence and interest makes me feel good about myself, it makes me feel confident, I think I look good because I feel women find me attractive. At least I trick myself with the thinking that I’m someone to be tagged along with because she comes to me whenever I ask her. I face different situations and I always chose to do what will be good for me and her. That is to be in a cordial connection. Hang-out spots aren’t a place for romance because it’s filled with a whole bunch of gobbled up trips and I keep myself, my friends and even others from making the biggest mistake of their lives because of the reason “I have had too much.”.

That trip was a fun ride and every now and then I will always remember how I was with them. I am like the deposit and claim of baggages of supermarkets. I sit down and my friends’ girlfriends are asked to sit down with me and we all get drunk. My friends are happy because their girlfriends are not abused. That’s how I saw it at least. I give out the shots to them. Now I have to act matured and that’s the only thing that will remind her and me of that time even though there’s no reason for me and her to be in connection again.

Gimmick or hang-out spots? You bring the girl. It’s not a hunting zone for girls. I’m uncomfortable before getting women’s numbers because that’s what I know. I don’t text dared attempts to me in acquiring women’s numbers. If I was forced I really disregard it. Besides, I see girls like they’re money collection to buy drinks. Then other men are their money collection too. That’s multi-level marketing of liquor believe me it continues on. I add on Facebook most of the time the star on the tables.

However, when I came back and I was so depressed I had a hard time coping with how I do things. I wasn’t able to add them completely. I forget most of the time.

That’s what I do during vacant slots and shortened periods.

I deleted my social media accounts already. I finally decided on that because there’s just no reason anymore to be on that level of relations. Anymore of that I know already I’m not for fun anymore but I’ll just be dragging them down.

Fun is learning and growing.
Growing is making use of what is learned.

Whatever it is that is fun was already done with. How fun a person is always has it’s end. When fun is done it’s time to move on.

I have low communication skills, low self-confidence and low verbal comprehension. That’s what I was trying to keep learning on. It’s another side of academic aspect. It’s darker but I know what I really aim for in hanging out. It’s not wrong to explore it’s just that I need to observe boundaries.

It’s very wrong to hang-out with other people when in extreme emotions. Too happy or too sad. I’d rather be with my mother instead.

I’ve tried that already and it turns fun into stupid.

I’m tired now and resting. I just played music earlier and watching tv. It was fun playing music. I’m so eager for a bit more time because I’m hungry

Yesterday I encountered a problem with myself not knowing what to do at a time of crisis. I was about to poop and I controlled it during the whole time I was with my mother in the hospital. I didn’t decide at once what am I going to do when after the schedule for checkup of my mother was done. It’s because I didn’t know where to go. I didn’t decide at once where my mother should stay because I was at a total blank and the locations of where I should go was unknown to me. When I noticed that my mother was already walking too much and saw chairs I agreed to my mother that she will stay there until I finish all the requirements that she needs to. I was successful in the first one but the second one was incompletely accomplished. Then we went for the pharmacy and soon after ate. Then we took a PUV (Public Utility Vehicle - Jeepney) up until the bus stop. There I just can’t handle my stomach ache and I needed to do number 2. There was a private comfort room and I asked for money so that I can find a store to buy a small soap for pooping. I was rushing twice as fast as when I was walking around the hospital fulifilling requirements. I was in a panic. I saw the drug store that has convenience store within and it had a long line. I went past it and there was a convenience store and I entered. I can’t really handle it and I asked their staff where is the soap located? I hurried and purchased it and went back. I used the toilet it was clean however when everything exploded I didn’t notice I stepped on poop. I don’t know if it’s dog poop or what whatever. I cleaned up and took off leaving the soap for the boy next to me. He didn’t have soap and I left the poop that I stepped on still not as clean as it should. I was going to ask for cleaning materials but then again I saw the kid is really in pain and that’s how I decided to just talk to the owner of the private comfort for it. I was in consideration and we left of. We where able to take the bus ride. I was mad at that time because I was in a hectic moment. I was rushing to clean and the kid was in a lot of pain already. I tried even more to hurry up that time. Then I saw TV. There I had a problem because I was so mad already and that I know local tv has been showing stuff that I did or something connected to it. I’m not supposed to be mad let alone listen to it. I could not handle it so I talked in a loud voice trying to destress myself because everytime I hear something connected to what I did or what I’ve done it self I get mad even with what happened before I heard anything from local tv and it’s because there’s something going on that shouldn’t be. When I understand that other people around know about it. I get stressed and I find even more by waiting for anything that will be said by the tv or by other people. I know this because tv networks already know me. Then people around keep on talking about I don’t know what, maybe they’re jealous? My father was like this too. I was able to join an event competition of a toy. My father knew the host and I was given by the host a chance to join the game. That’s just how I see it. If they know me and try to catch my attention the only thing I can ever do is that I can go join a competition or what. I went to the tv network before and nothing happened. Why should I do it again?

I was talking in a loud manner. They keep on doing it and I don’t really care because it has no part in what I do. However, the talk of people around is giving stress if they are talking about what is being said on the tv or over the internet about what I did.

I’m crazy? I don’t think so. The solution is to stop sharing my content but I can’t make all people to not share. I’m already here in talkingsober. If they still know what I wrote here then maybe they can think it over once more. This forums is for people who wants to change and changing people.

I just sat that aside. When I got home I ate with my mother and played the guitar. Soon after I slept.

Today I was done with my chores. I’m a bit sleepy and I’ll take a nap.

I just helped the world be a better place.

Sleeping time.

I have to be more alert. I just told my mother to go back but she was slow. Next time I’ll be thinking ahead more. I didn’t expect the tail of the truck to be that near when it passed through.

I watched tv earlier and I saw a busy woman. Then just moments ago I saw a busy woman turn into a strong busy woman.

I keep on forcing myself to the wrong person? It’s wrong to go for whom I don’t like. I don’t really like anyone up to a point of intimacy or even infatuation. There’s no point in doing so. Even if the whole world teased I do not really care. I know everyone I liked has been taken and had already. I already sent the last message of finding a better half. I’m never going to take it back. I’m now a kid? I don’t have money to spend on things I’m uninterested in. There’s no point. Just because I have watched quite a number of p0rn videos would mean that I’m lusting over everyone. The problem is there’s no chance of being free of that situation. It’s feels like everyone wants me to have a girlfriend. I wonder why. Just because I move around the house I will be a good husband and a father? For example with a wife that is provider. If they think who I come across with is going to be my wife then it’s wrong because I’m not interested in any way of finding love or even lust.

Typos can be a source of temper.

That’s not the help I am looking for. The help I need is for everyone to stop annoying me.

I know who sent that. The girl that blames me for what his younger brother had become. I’m not involved with his mari juana use. He has the source not me. Mind her he’s the one who asked me to smoke cigarettes for the first time. I will never put anyone in harm’s way. When I knew the younger brother I’m in no way near his gameplay of mmorpg. He has his own game with others. I do not think that I have anything to do with him or her.

I wish she’d stop already. I will never put myself near their family because there is no reason really.

I even communicated with their father that I have cut all ties already. The messages I sent to them aren’t meant to be replied or even read. That was my bad but I have deactivated every social media I used.

I’m so happy now but my mother is scanning the vicinity again just like at the last mall we went to. I don’t really know what is up with the wood glue. It doesn’t get bought.

When I have the android phone I’ll be playing video games to let everyone be so happy that I have stopped looking for ways to earn. I’ll still be doing music.

What you’ll sending someone to provoke me? Because you want to prove something about my short video? What do you think I am? Some sort of tourist attraction? Why not message me on viber and book me for performance? You do too much I’ve already given samples from all over. I’ll just keep on doing those instead of doing vices to keep me sober.

I’m watching a movie that always broke my heart inside the rehab because I am no way near my family. I’m never going to be separated with my family ever. I’m doing everything right with all the things I know.

The movie is Seven Sundays.

I had just decided on.

Yesterday I went to the hospital with my mother again. There were a lot of people. I rushed everything of what I can contribute for preparation to travel at once. My mother was able to have her eyes checked and we went for another scheduling with the requirement for her ears. I went hungry and went off buying snacks. What I was feeling at that time was pain from different parts still. The time came I was sneezing already. When we were about to go home I hurried to eat what I knew made me feel better. As we were travelling I was sneezing a lot and there’s a small amount of built-up mucus (white) when I try to sneeze on my clogged right nasal cavity. The clogged nose interchanges from left to the right nasal cavities. There was an inconsistent flow of transparent mucus. I have to admit there was a very small amount of blue liquid that went to the face towel I was using at that time. There was even white stuff close the color of cheese (lurpak) it was very small. That’s the reason I hurried to eat what are the foods that made me feel a significant amount of getting better. A short period of time have passed and my toncil or upper part of throat felt swollen. I already have a cold this is what I thought of. When I was in transit going home I was feeling heavy already. However I didn’t feel hot. Up until today I’m still feeling the same. When I move about the clogged right nasal cavity feels relief. I don’t feel hot still but the feeling I have is the same as with something before having a fever. I also sweated a lot yesterday I just don’t remember clearly when. I think it was that time I felt really cold in the location of my mother and sneezing a lot while waiting for her turn for scheduling and then I went to another location because it was just too cold. There I stayed and I think I sweated there along with sneezing and blowing of my nose (seeing a small amount of blue liquid and white stuff on the face towel). We ate afterwards. I feel I want to rest but I’m eager to eat. When I’m sick I eat a lot. I told my mother I think can’t cook because there’s too much to prepare and I just filled water for the meantime. My head feels heavy along with my body. It feels like something is being left behind when I move. This is absurd I know because by this time I shouldn’t have strength to move about. My numbness kind of feels connected to this health situation I am experiencing now. I’ll just rest.

I’m reflective because substance hides all kinds of sickness. Everytime I feel sick when I was inside the the controlled environment this is what I always think of. It’s the reason why I asked the owner of the rehab if how much percentage can he estimate people that came to rehab that ends up getting sick or who are lucky to not end up being sick. He said 70% ends up sick and 30% are lucky to not be sick. I assumed that it was answer in a collective form ever since he entered recovery. After hearing that I felt lucky because it was only uric acid problem that I had.

I applied ice on my head while I went home already fighting my way on how I will get better. My health situation is confusing still up until now. I’m experiencing this and I kind of feel this happens because I’m getting better.

That’s the problem. Just because I don’t feel something I will use substance. Then the time came I felt something and then I cloud it with substance too. The substance won in any other way. This is something I’m always thinking about. Why did I abuse the freedom my family has entrusted to me? I was given everything I wanted and I observed control. However the time came I went overboard. I was arrogant that I didn’t think I’ll be sick even though I was being told about me getting sick if I’m always drunk. My mother doesn’t have any vice. She’s strong and I’m trying my best to be how I remembered my mother who never commits any absences from work. My father went sick btw. Now I know what is right and what is wrong. I went above the boundary I didn’t observe that’s the problem I had and it came from being arrogant.

I refrained from drinking my medicine this morning. I’m sweating while watching tv.

I don’t blame the doctors and people who I came up to for help in the past. What I can say is that the health conditions of people who abused substance are more complex to understand than other people who don’t.

I definitely know how I should feel and I know how I should do. I had times when I was untrusted because of the things I feel. I don’t have a grudge but I don’t live in a cold place. I’m waiting for this to recover and I’ll test myself once more. Doing chores and playing the guitar.

When I was in that place there came a time I didn’t feel my body heat going up that’s because when I move even a little with the thinking that I have to do something I usually feel heating up and breathing accordingly. I just prayed.

Now even while I’m watching tv I feel my body heat working (it’s the feeling that I experience in the initial stages of work-out).

I may look stupid but I’m focused on recovering. Now I’m feeling this I hope after I get over this I’ll be better.

I’m drinking a lot of water and I hope it doesn’t run out when I’ll be ready to procure more. Maybe I’ll go with distilled bottle of water just in case. I can move but I can feel that I’m not getting better and my decision is to do really light physical activities and rest.

My two goldfishes are playing games chasing each other whenever I come near I’m walking back and forth getting a feel pf sweating a bit.

I have a question. Does exercising curiosity have any healing factor?

I’ve been watching cartoon network earlier and up until now. Everytime I do like now that I’m sick I seem to feel better and always asking a lot of things like what is the name of the character. Why is mumbling? What’s wrong? Even why am I watching this? I feel childish and it kind of gives me energy. This is just me. I think it’s about curiosity. Would anyone believe me that curiosity has an integral part in brain function if substance disables learning process? Learning is living life. The food I eat, the drink I quench my thirst, the things I see and hear. They become unlearned because of substance. I used to memorize things when I want to. I had a hard time memorizing up until now. I can’t say much about it but I can remember what was taught to me in class where remembered and I could answer the tests I was given when I was in college. Elementary and high-school was another story. I just noticed myself that I’m already dull. Others beat me to activities. I was always holding a notebook for guidance with speaking words amounting to most of time eight sentences or two paragraphs. Maybe it’s with age for what it’s worth I’m way past all of those things.

I just had a hard time trying to teach myself new stuff that I needed to learn. Others are really competitive and they don’t use notebooks.

Maybe my mind is loaded with information. I’ll go rest now a bit as I was thinking and writing the right part of my head experienced pain along with my right bicep. I’ll lay off everything and rest.

Maybe I’m just hyperactive. I can feel I’m getting better really and I’m excited to help my mother do laundry even though I was halted.

I was able to sleep and I feel a lot better now. I seem to have found my right bicep’s better feel as I try to stretch it to different directions. I’ll resume drinking medicine tomorrow.

I’m so proud my mother’s cooking chicken tinola worldwide. I made sure there’s no wood particles when I cleaned the chicken meat. Why choose chicken tinola worldwide? Because if you have high uric acid you cannot eat meat. Malunggay leaves have natural antibiotic properties. Best food for the sick with viral infection is chicken tinola worldwide flooded with malunggay leaves.

I saw Sarah Geronimo’s dog it’s like my dog. My dog is also an alarm system. Nobody comes close unnoticed. I also recognize the tone of barking I know when my mother is the one near. Even those none and if there’s an intruder. Good thing there’s been none. I just know there’s somebody else whenever my mother brings in people who will work on something my dog barks in the expression of killing the other person. That’s why it lives inside a cage. My dog was a japanese spitz that destroys ghosts also. I remember she barked at the pathway from an apartment we rented before. There was nothing to bark off to. Ther was none not even an ant. I have full trust in the barking of my dog. I’m always aware and mobilized whenever there’s a sudden barking that occurred.

I have heavy duty dippers for self-defense. Really close to the strength of a hammer. Nobody will leave my house unharmed when the time comes I experience intrusion.

I choose to be this way because if I think of a topic the first thing that comes into mind is how people kiss. I was always the distributor of shots and I see people kissing left and right. The shot glass was used over and over by different lips then kisses occurs. I look closely at the tip of the mouth of the shot glass and hope that their lips doesn’t touch it like it’s being kissed because they kiss each other already. There is a thing called long kiss. Someone from our table went away and the other table went away too only to find out they’re already kissing. Also under the table kiss. Everyone’s busy then the kiss occurs. Kiss for everyone this also happens and it’s like how the shot glass turns from person to person. I have a feeling that there has been outside kiss I just didn’t notice because I was bolted down distributing liquor shots.

So many bacteria and viruses. Good thing I have already changed.

There is also such thing as dramatic kiss. The crying happens then the kiss comes next it comes with the carrying kiss. The carrier kisses the semi-destroyed person and the is being revived by kissing. I know it happened there’s no doubt.

I didn’t see any flying kiss ever since day one occurred. Day one is the first day of classes. All the kisses I saw always lands it’s like lego. It doesn’t get removed easily.

To remove my guilt I also did one. It’s called over the table kiss.

Puke-kiss or kiss-puke I don’t really remember which came first.

The wrong kiss which I thought I was going to get but the kiss went to the wrong person.

I am very happy for my change.

I tried laying off writing and instead having fun on a streaming app and even youtube. I’m still unwell but earlier today I was able to prepare food in the morning and do the dishes.

I have a hunch that what I’m feeling is from funnel web spider bites and a blow to the head. Good thing I have followed the guidelines that I should refrain from my past ties. That’s why a lot of people are interested in me. I’m being sold for what? Wait for me to heal because I will find a job and proceed with my life. I have the fighting spirit. All of them that wanted me dead I know God sees everything. There is no worth to life than what is known with how to live in my own path of life. Thank you my almighty God that I’m still breathing and still experiencing the gift of life that you have given. I will never trust anyone any longer. I will never call anyone master. I called one because that’s just how I call him out of DOTA. I can’t wait to keep on finding a job soon.

I just had this thought. Maybe if I’m given the chance I want to study master’s degree. I think that will earn me the right to work.

For what it’s worth I’m a person not to be talked about and known. I realized this. I think I almost died. I’ll just keep on saving myself over and over. I hope God give provides me with everything I need because I love the life I was given.

I’m upset because I studied food and now I don’t have the capacity to buy food that I want for myself.

My target is to be hired as a custodian. I need to be refreshed that’s why I will attempt to gain master’s degree and to submit a daily result of drug test to prove sobriety. That’s the lowest. It’s like dishwasher in the kitchen. Besides I know two freemasons there. I don’t know if they are still there. I would like to know what am I going to do with my life because I’m going in circles. I know freemasons help their countrymen let alone with them being my mentors from school. The grandfather of my father is one of the early members of the Initial Masonic Fraternity in the Philippines located at Escolta street Binondo, Manila Philippines and even the father of my father which is my grandfather was a member. I know I can seek help and guidance from the mentors that I had that are freemasons. This is what I’m going to do. I just have to confirm what is my next step in life with my family. Along the way I’m doing music. I’ll keep doing music because it’s the only thing that keeps me from going so mad because I am a failure. Their names are written there I saw it.

Drugs, what a stupid idea. I could’ve been eating ossobuco in the restaurant anytime I want. I love asado btw.

It’s been a year. I’m still not that okay but I’m better. People hate me because I do this. When they come to a point like I did I’m never going to judge. Just as how I saw the last section be just happy woth what they’ve got. I never said anyone could be so stupid. I never did everywhere. I just got a bit sad because I was having fun while a doctor was doing a procedure I did with my father when I was a kid and the body of the doctor was very nice. I know people hate me but the best things in life are free. Seeing a sexy doctor do a medical procedure is a very nice experience and the situation doesn’t come around often. I know the satisfaction experienced doing that procedure when I took out the foreign object then it fell down making a sound like a rock hit the cement floor. If I were to turn back time I’d get her number. I’ll get everyone’s number. I just don’t see how an intimate relationship will help me or the other half. I see a whole ton of added effort and headache if I press on. I’ll just touch them then just like how I did with someone. I got in touch. It’s not touching physically. It’s called an intangible touch of infatuation in intense throbbing emotion giving a manifestation of involuntary physical reaction. I sealed it with a “last look” (this is not a song) thinking the next time it happens I will be more closer.

I watch pimple popper. I know how good it feels when something gets removed.

I do it to myself.

I’ve found an old blackhead under my left armpit and I tried removing it and there was a significant relief. I removed one also from my nose and suddenly I breathed properly. I don’t know why blackheads have something to do with how my neural messages are sent to my brain. The relief was so significant it felt something like I pooped. That’s how much relief I experienced.

I saw a doctor slanted while talking to my mother. My mind was saying if there was no other doctor here and my mother wasn’t there. There’s going to be a lot to talk about. It will be an overnight talking. Just how compact details in the medical conversation in the consultation of my mother happened. I talk everything out.

I haven’t seen a familiar doctor either. I’m thinking about doctors early in the morning. I think I need them now. I have five doctors. That’s how sick I am. I need to see the five doctors for check up. I also need to be a bit more closer to the mirror. I don’t know where that came from. This morning is a wet morning because it’s raining. There’s a cold chill and I think I’m getting a bit better.

I saw a doctor in the past before and she wore a glove. My mind was thinking of what will make the consulation take longer. The moment was a dead silent blank and I just didn’t know what to say other than think that “I know this will not happen again what will I do?”.

I don’t know yet what to do I just had a thought of things. If I don’t have anything to do what would be good to do? Music is one. Being with my mother is another. I had a small talk with people who come to the hospital with their elderly and I had come to the conclusion that there’s no point in trying to find what is there for me because I already have used up my time for that. I have to ties with anyone anymore other than what I just need to. I have set aside all of my former friends because they are no longer part of what change I have done and people keep on logging in my Facebook maybe they are thinking it’s filled with substance abusers. I don’t know, I don’t care and I don’t sell drugs. There’s just no point and right now my task is to just be with my mother. I have tried so many times already. If I’m going to be given another chance I’ll study to be busy and hope that it will give me a job. Trying to find work didn’t give me the oppurtunity for employment. I’m a bit upset now because I got old like nothing happened. I don’t have a regularly paying job. I don’t have capacity to purchase what I want or go to places. I could settle for work at any place near my home. I’m thinking of asking my brother and mother if they’d allow me for studying. If not I know a food establishment that I think I would have a chance to get into in trying to achieve regular status of employment. I hope the annoying process of bringing me down have already stopped by that time because it happens everytime I go out. Earlier I went out and I seem to have no experience on that negative thing.

I’m still not drinking medicine and I feel more better even though I experienced nosebleed when I forcible blew my nose to remove it’s being clogged. I rested and proceeded with our tasks. I was with my mother. I still have cold and sore throat but I’ve been sweating a lot since after I experienced the nosebleed. I’m home with my mother ans I just ate. I’m still sweating a lot I feel like I’m warmed up. I like the feeling because I don’t feel other things. I feel light and I’m currently far from what I was feeling before. I hope I don’t have to drink my medicine anymore. I’m going to try one or two months without the medicine. It’s been two days since I didn’t drink it. I feel really good also everytime I blow mucus from my nose. I’m keeping it on a pin-piinted and concentrated blow so that I won’t end up overblowing my nasal cavities.

I don’t know why I was really sweating heavily earlier. Even if I use my last drug test kit I will show negative. There’s something not right because the feeling I have there is what I know is right. Now I feel things. Oh well whatever. I’m just going to pray that this is not really serious. I still have enflamed toncil along with soar throat. I cough with piercing feeling at times. I’m going to be drinking a lot of water.

I’m going to rest because I still have cold. My soar throat seems to feel better. I cooked something. It’s a secret.

This was what happened yesterday. Someone intentionally took my attention when I was with my mother doing tasks. The police are there. It was a good sign for me. I realized a stupid situation had occured. Somebody had shared me again online on social media. When I got home there where a lot of people including the isp provider was outside our home with smiling employees with their van. I purposely asked for a ₱10,000.00 deduction in the bank account of my mother thinking there’s a stupid thing going on and it might have been something like how ₱80,000.00 was swindled from my mother after a week I was brought to rehab in the past. At my age I will not have a girlfriend that will be my wife for the reason that I’m not worth the right amount I’m supposed to be by this time. I’m not interested in finding someone for just the sake of lust. I can easily go to whore houses if I wanted to. I was ignored with the woman I thought I can have a relationship with. I don’t know even if I can see that woman I saw with her mother from the hospital. If it happens I hope me, my mother, she and her mother get together and that’s the time I will talk and get her number in the presence of our parents. I really need the approval of the parents. My method in the past was a stupid idea. I was dumped even though both parents from my side and my ex agreed to my past relationship after we were already in a relationship. Why am I like that? It’s because I’m not earning enough to sustain a living and I’d rather have the parents agree first before I enter into a relationship that is for me right now finding a partner and try to venture into the next step in life. I will even set an expiry date. After a month of no progress like I’m still not in a regularly paying job I’ll just have to have the relationship end because there’s no point in wasting their time.

I’m not a kid who wants to have sexual encounters all the time. I’m old and I’m after survival not doing something that will give the both of us problems.

I don’t know yet if I’ll see her. If I do I’ll get her number and then we can talk. She was shaking at first when I was beside ger and I had to just break the ice by speaking in a significant volume but then people around talked afterwards when I was watching what she was watching. I thought there’s something wrong because people around can’t help but be interested in what the both of us are doing. The only thing that will make that situation right is that if my mother and her mother is present while I get her number because I sought for their approval that we will be connected. Most likely our pre-empted relationship is going to be funded by them. Maybe it’s correct if I’d initially seek approval instead of taking a stupid step of putting me and her trust from our family in jeopardy.

That’s the only right way I can engage myself into an intimate relationship.

If it’s just lust I can easily go to places but I’m saving money for pension. I don’t like wasting anymore.

Also the music I like most of the time comes from women because I like singing with women trying to make them sound distinct and that’s me being on the slightly low off tune to her tone.

They can all stop already because I’m not hasty. I’m sure. I already guaranteed myself that I’ll stay sure no matter what. I have plan B ready just in case I fail to find a living during the first month to save the supposed relationship.

Plan B is to find and study a business. Get married by the judge. Establish the business which is our work. Put it on my name. She’s the one who will manage it with all my benefits (sss, health care and personal property loan contributions including hers as it’s manager.). If the situation is profitable or not it will proceed with the help of our families. It’s for us to do the next part which is to earn a living then everything else comes after. Marrying will put ease on the tax of the business. Having children also. At least two will be a happy life for the standard family.

That’s it. It means there’s no way both our families will not be involved in the first place. I will not engage into something I know will put her and me into unpredictable circumstance that will eventually put us in regret. There’s just no more time to put into those things. I’d rather chose her and me enjoy what we are experiencing which is being single and doing a whole lot less of responsibility.

I’m not stupid. Stop scamming me and my mother. This is my message to the scammer who did that incident to my mother. You are a hindrance to the path of life layed upon by the Philippine government and thank you for not hurting my mother. I will always remember your picture and I will never let even my eyesight or my mother’s get on you no matter what.

I hope the woman I saw is chinese. If not then nothing. Good thing I do not have a kid. If I proceeded with my past relationship I could’ve been dead. I accept the fact that chinese people who gets into a relationship not chinese doesn’t have the most happy of time. I’ll ask her if just in case I see her again.

I’m half blood chinese. Me and my brother were sent to chinese school. That means we are given recognition of being full blooded chinese. That’s how it goes as I was told by my father. I forgot about it and I engaged to a relationship. Now, I’m thinking about that because I think if I go into another that is not with chinese blood. I will end up wrong again. That’s just the idea but my priority is accompanying my mother.

Maybe the woman I saw has chinese blood. If she’s chinese then I’m in luck because she speaks well in tagalog.

News has been showing off their mics. It’s becoming a trend.

I haven’t seen Melissa Perry. She’s a busy woman. I will put out… the burnout. Where is she?

The busy woman that does not waste any time.

The time is the one who is busy for her.

Melissa Perry, I will share you my lung so we can breathe together.

I just cannot this time because I’m still sick.

This is a big circle to sit down in.

1,800 people have viewed this.
Half wants to change and the other half is continuing to change.

In my country around 2.5 million drug dependents are identified. In rehab or caught it excludes unattended and the whole population the last time I saw was 125 million.

125,000,000 / 2,500,000 = 0.02 or 2%

2% of the Philippine population are drug dependents. I’m happy to have alleviated the bondage I laid upon myself which are vices.

I don’t think Filipinos use this forum. I’m just sharing what I know just like what is done inside the controlled environment. Sharing and reflecting on what positive and negative things drug dependents know to gain learnings.

I will not stop using this special forum because this is a win-win situation. Nobody loses in the methods and teachings of the controlled environment or therapeutic community.

I have a question.

What is the question?
The answer is…
“This is the question.”

I saw a tv show and there was a gray haired woman. I didn’t know who she was.

Wow this is me being single for a decade.

My towel smelled like crystal meth. I told my mother and she said it was just washed. I asked for the detergent used. I eventually said let’s just use another detergent. So that’s why there are particles of white stuff around my body. My bed sheet, pillow cases and even my clothes are with crystal meth.

I’m not interested in using substance. I’ll keep on eating so much then. I’m not really interested in slimming down anymore. Why do they keep on doing stuff? I’m not going after the soap company. I’ll just be killed if I do that I’m not stupid.

I hope I get well soon. When the time comes I will most likely be buying all the food that I want to eat. I’m sorry my viber ain’t me right now and not anytime soon. Me a nuissance? How can I move and try to find a job when I’m being sabotaged? Maybe it’s the reason why I’m really sweating a lot lately. I’m not using the stationary bike. I’m sorry to disappoint all of them. My goal is to be 235 lbs that is my weight before I engaged in jogging and weight lifting.

I don’t know what seems to be the problem. Me not playing video games? I have a very small phone and I don’t like peeking anymore. I ate half the sauce pan of rice. Tomorrow I’ll eat the whole sauce pan cooked with rice. Thank you for making me hungry with a destroyed appetite. I had so much fun eating that huge amount of rice and the left part of my stomach feels like it got filled. I know it went like that because of playing the guitar. Good thing I eat a lot. I’ll continue eating a lot. Tomorrow I will cook 75% full of the pan with rice. I’ll eat so much. I’m no longer a member of anytime fitness. I went there to have my membership revoked because they keep on asking for monthly dues. I already stopped working out in the gym. I’m just eating because I keep on getting all these crystal meth situations. This time it’s the laundry soap detergent.

I’m not the movie limitless. That’s so stupid.

Trying to put me into a frame up situation? I’m unlike the person I had met inside the rehab. He was planted with an evidence for him to be caught finally. Now he faces all his charges while inside the rehab. I don’t know how is his status. I’m now 212 lbs and I’m so happy. All those people who keeps on forcing me to relapse I beg your pardon but I will never do. They keep on tripping on the reaction of my body because I sweat a lot. I’m acidic and I’m also in terror whenever I go out.

I don’t know why the soap keeps on changing also. What’s the difference between the old one and a newly released soap? They’re both just used for laundry in the same amount.

I hope everyone would be very disappointed that I don’t look like viber and my profile picture here. I don’t like living a life with any type of substance. Maybe it’s about the celebrities that know me online. I’m not interested in any of them. I’ve been having the hardest time already with trying to live without the intimidation of substance. They just keep on happening but I will never use drugs again. I don’t like being inside the rehab for almost four years.

I have to keep watch on that then I have to keep watch with my surroundings. I also need to keep watch on my mother. What else? I’ll watch how time passes by when I keep on trying to live a peaceful life. What else do I need to watch? They keep on doing this substance incidents maybe their owners are involved with drugs. Why bother doing these kinds of businesses wherein they are already rich with the illegal money they earn from substance? Why bother me and my mother? This is not a book and it will never turn into a novel.

There is a spielberg that followed me on spotify. I do not care for her because she will only waste her time and money on me with my story of life. It’s stupid I tell you. I’m just using this to exercise my ability to use english and to exhale what angers me. It’s a good thing I’m a monument. I will not let others trample over me unlike in the past. I’m not doing anything wrong this time around.

I’m not a drug lord or even a drug pusher. If I was I wouldn’t be using this and psycho-analyzing how I’m thinking and feeling with how I’m living my life.

Next time I will insist on the laundry detergent soap that I really use and not let my mother buy stuff.

Now the movie I’m watching stole me away. I’m going to study a song. It takes me to a point prior to using crystal meth and mari juana. It’s a song everyone seems to know. It was sang in a movie about music. I’ll watch more and keep that on assignment.

I’m now upset because I tried to point out at something about my phone because I’m trying to find out what is going on inside my mother’s mind. Earlier I was in really bad mood and I was talking to myself that maybe she’s tripping out or what and it’s because of the laundry soap. It already happened to me in the past with the gray packing and now with yellow packing of the soap with the same brand. I know someone is telling her what I write here. I’m begging her to stop, she should try minding her own business because my plan is only my plan. They do not have anything to do with it. The money my mother has is hers. Maybe my mother thinks that I want an iPhone. I just want a bigger phone to play on an android phone will do just fine. While I was talking to myself she tried to talk outside my room saying she doesn’t have money for it because she doesn’t earn money. I’m fine with it. Now I have saved ₱425.00 and I’ll deposit it also to my bank account soon. When I get to save ₱6,000.00 I’ll buy an android phone for myself. I’m not going to ask from my mother anymore because I’m no longer interested. I’ll just only ask for my set strings and other things I need for music. I can only wish I’d be bought clothes. I’m so poor I don’t know how stupid I was being sent to rehab and then what I can’t find a job.

Tomorrow I’ll ask her to have me work in the factory she worked at.

I do not know what my mother is tripping about. I hope it’s not about my body that I’m sensitive that I have a loud voice. Things like that. I’m being tested with my temper? I’ve been hanging on the phone for a year already I just begged recently for a android phone so I can play. I don’t like this phone anymore because it’s graphics changes and it’s too small. I also want to quit using apple products because it’s too expensive. I remembered I’m a poor person. Maybe it’s the girl I talked with.

Okay I’m never going to go to the hospital with her again.

What do I do? I want to mate and I can’t watch p0rn because it has something that makes the right hand experience pain after watching p0rn.

I’m decided and I’ll just wait for a miracle of me having a big new android phone that I can use to play video games instead of watching tv and using this phone. I’ve skipped already doing morning stuff because I feel heavy in the morning out of being sick. I’m still sick I have phlegm with my throat and some on the nasal cavities.

Maybe I’m being treated like a kid by my mother. There’s no free stuff for me from stores. That’s all hoax. It’s never going to happen. I’ve tried those a very long time ago already. It doesn’t change up until now. All the benefits I generated with my internet activity have been absorbed by others and I haven’t had any kind of consolation for them. I’m not expecting anything either. Just because I have 1,800 viewers of this topic would mean that I’m marketing? Believe me this is not marketing because this is self-therapy by writing down recent events in my life.

I’ll just watch tv. That’s the solution and play video games. There’s no chance and I get it. Whatever, if I’m asked to accompany my mother I’ll be forced to no matter what. I KNOW I’LL BE REGRETTING WHATEVER I’LL DO THAT IS INVOLVED WITH MY LONGING FOR A SENSE OF BELONGINGNESS FROM A WOMAN. That’s why I said in my song I’m not whole. I don’t have a way of earning a living which removes my entitlement of being in a relationship. I’m not stupid I was just thinking of trying. I now know my mother is not anymore open for me in finding a relationship.

THOSE CELEBRITIES THAT OTHERS THINK IS INTERESTED IN ME INCLUDING MY MOTHER doesn’t really have anything to do with me. I hope everyone just already stop pre-empting what I do because I’m just always tripping out. I no longer have any serious things in my mind that I have excluding music.

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My mother knows of this woman the daughter of a former attorney. I know she’s the reason for all of my mischief because I messaged her the restaurant I was doing my ojt in and then there was a scandalous event during father’s day. I hope this woman doesn’t have anything to do with my life because I’m not involved in anything hers. People keep on treating me bad because I’m evading their family. I never want to have anything to do with them let alone with others because I just want a simple life. My mother hates me because I’m doing nothing. What does my mother want of me? If the incident (the vendor spoke, the police around and lastly the kids sarcastically laughing) in the place we went to didn’t happen I don’t think I’ll be experiencing this stress. My mother asked to wash dishes. She has been doing everything at least when I got sick. I’m still sick because of cold. I’m still experiencing a lot of stress because I just hate how people around react. I don’t know them and yet they react. The situation I had in the past was that I was experiencing a lot of hurtful words and there was none who told me that there are people who’s breaking my name. Because of what? I’m dumping my feelings inside the whorehouse? Is that wrong? I was in the right place to do that. People in that place do not care for whatever I say.

It’s like whatever good thing I experience gets pulled down. So what if people notice me? I don’t socialize because I have this problem. I won’t either because I’m keeping myself sober. My chest hurts now because I keep on thinking. I do not like to do stuff and I’ll just be watching tv a bit and then sleep afterwards.

I’ve had enough with my mother who’s playing me too. I’m always trying to deflect those whom I do not know and then my mother joins them. I need to take a break out of people making me stupid.

I don’t really care much if people don’t read this or listen to my music. For all I know, the internet is an underground thing. It’s not mass media. I don’t see what is the reason for people trying to catch my attention. I don’t really talk much about what I do online other than my music. What my beard is too much? If I had work or went to school there’s no beard to talk about. Why do I even need to think about these? I have to make new music to continue because I earn online?

That’s the best I’ve got.

They keep on saying that I’m a beggar? I am and let’s see them try my situation. I’ve been trying for the longest time already. Even if I get accepted there’s just a tiny chance I won’t get pissed off each time I go out.

I’m not interested to see anyone because there’s just no reason for it. I’m not a kid. Maybe they’re the ones who are acting like kids. I don’t see why their words weigh when I myself doesn’t really consider what I say and do to be substantial to others.

I was accepted at the restaurant in the past in alabang and then someone talked to me about sucking up to the boss. It had me thinking was I doing that? I went really sad afterwards. Then the cashier refused me when my boss had already accepted me. Maybe the person who talked to me about sucking up to the boss thinks he can own me. That’s never going to happen. I can’t wait for the new phone because of I’ll be playing a video game without the ranking I have in this phone. It’s also one of the reasons why people around talk. Rankings or even levels in video games don’t mean a thing. I’m not stupid. People get driven with how “FEW” people earn from those. People say they earned but it doesn’t apply to everyone. I haven’t earned anything from playing video games ALL MY LIFE to go along with how decorated all of their streams do.

There are people who really doesn’t need to use this forum that doesn’t know that people who enter recovery all have their own set of stories. I am a 100% sure and guaranteed my thread, this thread is confidentially available to everyone who’s in recovery and wants to enter recovery. I am 100% sure with my heart and mind I will never be sold out. I used to not be sold out by my friends. I quitted on my friends because I keep on being sold out.

This place doesn’t sell out people. That’s how the recovery program works.

I have 1,800 viewers now. I’m not happy nor I’m sad because it means that there’s 1,800 users of this forum that is also having their own set of daily challenges.

I’m keeping a distance to my mother this time and I’ll be sleeping a little bit later.

1,800 it’s the initial count of the biggest population of the college department from the university I was in. It’s like saying a whole college department has failed in life. It also amounts to 60 sections or 9 batches if in highschool. If there are a number of schools then there are around 9 batches that failed. I think it means in the current total academic population there will be at least or less than 9 batches of students that will eventually fail. What about out-of-school youth? That’s another statistic to consider. I’m glad to have identified this number but it belongs to different generations. It has a chance of being a fact.

If this number increases up to like 30,000 then I’m going to be very sad because it means failure is winning over fighting to succeed.

When a person uses psychoactive substance that means failure has been accepted. I can say I used drugs to find the right mind to continue life with my experience. It like saying I’m a failure and I need to use substance to find the reason to proceed with my life.

It’s automatic that I’m already a failure when I did drugs because having the right mind will not put me in the position of accepting substance abuse in my life.

However there’s hope because freewill is the backbone of change. It is the ultimate grace that God has given. Freewill is the ability to choose among options. Instinct is the reason to choose. Spirit/Motivation is the reason to continue choosing what was rightfully chosen. Spirit/Motivation is inevitably manipulated by the word of God. God comes in different forms. For me God is all creation. These are living things and non-living things. They are because they represent God’s will. God’s will is good and bad in balance. If there’s imbalance then it’s not God’s will because there’s another will/factor making an intervention. However that’s how beautiful God’s creation is because all things are truly unpredictable. If denial is the start of acceptance then failure is also the start of success.

Believe me when the time comes that a person doesn’t trust anyone anymore and all types of hope has been unrecognized the word of God comes into play and it’s the only thing that has trust all over it’s form. Who would know God if it weren’t for the word itself? This is the purpose of religion. Religion is a method to have the word of God understood. They have different forms. Religion is given/chosen. It’s like a school to be enrolled in. Religion is also the first form of education for me. The center of the religion is the teacher. If there’s a teacher there are students and education happens. I saw historical records over the internet about philosophers and etc. They’re also doing religion. They teach their beliefs. School and Religion have a similarity which is education. School has a physical appearance (building) and religion on the other hand is only the connection between the belief and it’s believers.

If religion has trust which is God but academics doesn’t. Which is the first form of education? I will still vote religion to be the first form of education. I thought of a scenario that there’s a teacher that came and how would other people want to be taught when they’re already living their own way? (lapu-lapu and magellan historical story). Even in other past points in time. There’s no trust to get taught if it weren’t for faith.

Faith is believing in God and hope is the product of faith.

“Hope is faith in God.”

How to have hope is taught by the religion through the word of God.

I give myself hope using my experience and music which is a gift. It’s a gift from God because I feel and think about something then I try to express with words and musical intrument then it turns into music which is an art experienced with hearing. I consider it a gift from God because I myself don’t know how it came to be in harmony. That is hearing music and playing it. The lyrics and music itself. When music/song is created these are heard from and put into play (expressed). That’s how I do it. I try to hear something yet I’m not hearing anything at all then I speak and then I play the tune with a thought I’ve been thinking of for quite a while. Music is a gift of talent from God because the process of creating music doesn’t really have anything to do with the study of music but with experience. Why? Study of music gives the fundamental and yet uniqueness is sought for. Experience is needed to find what is unique. If my art is the most unique art then it’s God’s gift because I was able to have experienced a whole lot of other arts to reach that uniqueness. If not then God’s gift is also a form of luck. Luck is a very special love from God that not all creation has and however is found.

I can say I now have hope and I can also say that I was in despair in the past.

I haven’t quitted yet with the next steps in my life because quitting on something right is not part of anything. I’ll just try and try because that’s just the next step to take.

I just checked my blood sugar and blood pressure they’re both normal and my weight is 215 lbs. I feel better sniffing mucus and spitting them out. I’m still not well.

I’m waiting for the busy woman. She’s not showing up until now… the busy woman.

I’m seeing the busy woman now yes…

It was too sudden it’s done already. What a busy woman.

Now she came in a form of a voice. So busy.

The party is part of the business. How busy.

Everything is accompanied by slow breathing busy woman…

You have to eat nuts, dairy, sweet, protein and omega-3 rich food…

Maybe you have time for them busy woman. My Cashew nut tiramisu is an example. Nuts, dairy, and sweet.

I’m nuts, dear-y and sweet for the busy woman.

It has dashes of cocoa and dips of caffiene for a little bit of addiction.

I’m addictively nuts, dear-y and sweet for the busy woman.

There was a problem at home. There was no more soy sauce and lime my mother was talking in a slightly irate manner complaining. I answered so what in a slightly irate manner too. I added what am I going to do? In a more irate manner. Her answer was she added salt and pepper already to the pork chops also in at that level. I had enough and I asked where is she going with what she is saying and then I asked her what to do and the answer was the initiation of an arguement. (Adding salt and pepper to the pork chops). The sentence made me feel like I’m an enemy instead of someone in the team. I walked away as soon as I knew that I had made emphasis on the wrong thing being talked about. I’m looking for what am I going to do about the problem and what I recieved was about what she did because there was none to use. The seasoned pork chops has already been there. I told my mother pork steak and then the pork chops were being made I was confused but I agreed. Then I’ll recieve an arguement because the soy sauce and lime was forgotten to be bought. I’m not my mother. That happens a lot between my father and her. We used to have a small covenience store at home. Whenever I go with them they argue at times about something not being bought. It’s like she’s acting like my father and me in her place if I’ll be thinking of that situation in comparison with what happened earlier.

I was watching goats on tv. I had a scenario ran in my mind.

Going to the mall with a kid (baby goat).
Finding a person with a dog.
Talking to the person saying ₱3,500.00 while eyebrows going up once and pointing to the kid (baby goat).
Lastly making a hand gesture of a call “:call_me_hand:” and saying “call me” then nodding in small effort for a couple of times.

This is me coping up with my stress. Food helped a lot and I try to wonder about things that will make me laugh.

I saw a lot of dogs from the mall earlier. I remembered my scenario. Now as I’m writing this entry I laughed after the instances within the scenario had ended I just thought I’d laugh.

I feel that I’m big now and I thought to myself meeting someone for a blind date and then the matchmaker had let us meet each other. She’d say he’s so big why? What’s wrong? Why are you so big? The matchmaker asks. I answered “I’m not big. She’s just small.”. While eating I’ll tell her eat more you have a lot to catch up with.

When I went to the mall it was so beautiful. There was so many people. The only thing I heard was about me being there. That’s it. I was so happy there was nothing that hurts my feelings which mostly were invasion of privacy like instances being talked about. I was brisk walking and even with that nobody took the chance to speak about things I’m getting negative feelings from. I’m always doing my best to not look back and the talk before really takes me back to how terrorizing it felt. I’m relieved because I didn’t have to think of things while on the way to the mall and home. It was like how I walked from highschool to the highway and take a jeepney or bus ride home. I walked fast not thinking of being mad or afraid. I enjoyed even music from the stores. I enjoyed going out.

I just had a thought I’d like to play a gig with those many people. You know what I post here is actually for friends. You know I don’t have friends anymore because I’ve set boundaries. Because all of them are just into vices. Some maybe not but most of them are into vices and it seems that vices are the main staple for their income. They do it on a regular basis it’s as if it was a way of living. I had the experience of being that. I ended up stupid and sick. I still feel numbness. I just had my acoustic guitar sound belonging to my past bass guitar. People think I’m shameful? I had already done that during those times I was using drugs and not saying anything at all. There was a young girl beside me with her little brother in the jeepney (puv) I remembered feeling women with my right arm that feels like something is on there feeling their arm too by the way. It’s like hovered over their arm. I went away and exercised it then tried to do that same action. I did that because that’s the part the seem to hurt. Well I didn’t get her number. She was with her mother I think. I’ll be stupid of I’ll get people’s number out of no reason at all. I don’t do vices anymore and I also don’t think I should be trying to cort. I do not care if the whole world thinks I’m gay because I just proved that the world doesn’t want any offspring coming from me if that’s the case. Gay people don’t have children. Gay people who ends up having children is not gay. See? Gay is an act. I’m not acting.

I’m doing music. My music is not for sex. It doesn’t say anything about doing sex.

There are people who keep on joining my life. They’re talking about stuff and I don’t see any shame in what I’m doing most importantly this thread. Look, I was inside rehab when I got invited to a group chat I was given the privilege for using a smartphone. You know what? It went filled with pictures of crystal meth. Come to think of it I was even told to have my life fixed. I’m already in rehab and way far on what fixing I need to do and Wow! fixing my life with what? I told myself. I’m at the highest position in being a resident of the facility and that’s between resident and staff also it’s even displayed on my Facebook profile. What am I going to do? I feel slapped in the face when I read that. I didn’t say a word and instead I just sent images that are fun. It’s the biggest ceiling fan I have ever seen and if there’s a really tall guy going down the stairs it’s going to be deadly. I told myself this is the challenge I have to face. Doing my best in trying to gain strength to delete what I think was my way of earning which is my Facebook profile. I tried to recover it however the time came it kept on being logged in. I got annoyed and decided to just delete it along with my other social media accounts. I don’t need those I told myself. It doesn’t play the music that I need to sing along and my acoustic guitar does. This is the logic that I had. Even in cooking the social media is not the stove, the pan or the flat steel spoon. All my negativity had a new place to go and this is the place I chose this instead of going for my past friends. My current ties with people are only what is essential. No more and no less. I saw a woman that I thought to myself if I’m not in this kind of situation I’ll really go for her. I refused my urge that I know I can already make a connection of more that just a greeting.

“The reason is there’s too many reason to think of really.”

I’m thirteen years away from the age of my big brother and my fate is to be with my mother. I had accepted that when I was inside the rehab. A huge factor in accepting what I insisted on which is to go home is that I’m going to be with my mother. I understand that. For what’s it worth my family is going to be the one who decides if I’m going to be paired or not. They are the one’s who know who will be the right partner for me. Everyone knows my ex-girlfriend. My mother, my brother, the wife of my brother, the mother of the wife of my mother, and even other relatives of their side. I made a wrong decision then I’ll go at it again? I tried bringing someone along with me before. They liked her but she’s never going to be my partner in life. It was just a facade fooling myself that I would even make the right decision of choosing someone to be my partner. Now after rehab I thought maybe I should just not mind that anymore and leave that to my family’s decision. I know I can cope and I’ll do my best. All I have been doing is to be stronger and better at the things I do.

I’m not mr. congeniality anymore because I just end up doing vices. True friends say what is wrong and what is right not what is wrong that seem to be able. I’m a fool if I go thinking about those. There’s just nothing to bond with really. People keep on tapping on my phone because of what? I learn a new song. I talk to myself. Why do they bother? I closed the thought at that. I have to talk personally to those people who were reached by me talking to myself that they leaked to prove I’m sane? That’s the problem I had before. Just yesterday I was so happy there was just one who said something. Later I need to come with my mother again when I just closed myself to not going with her there anymore. Do I have any choice? Of course none. They don’t need to worry I’m never going to talk but if I get ticked off I’ll retaliate. I’m never going to be eaten by others.

There’s someone who keeps on sucking what I do like simple programs. The world knows me. Wait for the whole world. It’s going to be mission impossible for you believe me.

People claiming they can make people famous by sharing on social media that’s stupid. It’s the content of the person who made him or her famous. No one will share if the content is not interesting to share with. I shared something because the content is cool it only means the person who made the content makes cool stuff.

I’m happy I ate pork chop in sinigang soup. It’s sinigang na pork chop or pork chop sinigang.

I’ve been waiting for the busy woman. I haven’t seen the busy woman all day. How busy.

I cleaned up early in the morning.

It looks like cotton.

I also did chores. I think my mother was mad because I did everything. The faucet was in another direction and there was food put out of the refrigerator.

There is a picture of me and my ex over at flickr it shouldn’t be there anymore. I’m single and not interested in a relationship or even fool around. I’m never going online on any social media either. I’d rather use this thread to express and destress.

Stories about me and her are false. She goes out of her home pretending to her family on her father’s side that she’s with me. A relative of hers called me and I was really surprised that my name is being used. I told her relative the truth that I was never with her at the start of some period of time. The whole town knew she was my wife. Of course all the people I got to get in touch with had falsified what kind of person I am because of her. That’s another reason for my depression in the past. I couldn’t get out of it because everyone just knew our past relationship. I feel I’m going to be a bad person if I went on another relationship because the girl keeps on winning others. I kept myself inside the pub with videoke dumping whatever and telling everyone it was my fault because I decided to ask her out in the first place. I pray she gets married already. Maybe that’s the time I’ll be fine because everything she does will not have a negative effect on me. I know she has something to do with my mischief because a classmate of hers went to me saying she won something about a mobile phone. Besidea that a friend of mine was talking from afar about something that should be given back. I was given a mobile phone by my mother that time. It’s wrong for me to take ₱16,000.00 last profit of the t-shirt printing shop of hers that I operated day and night when I don’t really get anything for myself from that other than s3x and couple of personalized shirts. There are clothes too. Too small of clothes still insisted to be bought for me. She hates me because I’m big. Everyone loves slim. I hated what I experienced during my workout. My decision is to stay fat. The other day was awesome and I hope it doesn’t go away. I’m never going to pay that ₱16,000.00. I’ve trying my best to find a job and there’s none. I’m doing music now then get what I have already. She’s taken everything. My youth and my opportunities. She kept on doing something online she didn’t even care if my name will get destroyed. I’ve been laughed at because there was a situation where a friend of mine was talking to me and there was RnB music playing. I think it was something that had to do with my ex and the person she replaced me with. They had fun while I’m sulking and drowning myself with liquor, cigarettes, fake smiles and laughter. That was the story and I’m guilty for not giving her the ₱16,000.00. I know when she called it was the influence of her partner that led her to be persistent on me. I know they always have fun out of my name. I will never see myself in any of these people’s last names. I’m not going to mention. I’m sad I got vaccinated in tagaytay by someone with her last name that’s the truth. I’m sensitive when I see their last names because I had an incident that the whole clan was humiliating me. That’s the truth. I’m going to watch tv and I think I exhaled some bits of excess baggage I keep on remembering from time to time.

Recently I’ve been refusing what a lot of people know with a girl that is forced to put interest in me. She belongs to an influencial family and last name here. She’s doing it because people will treat me as if I am stupid person. If I can just broadcast to them the situation I think they’ll understand. I just demonstrated to everyone recently also that if I work out I can look good but it will not last a very long time. What she likes is a slim, fit and fashionable guy. My true self is not. I just wear required/normal clothes. If they like me then play my music or donate to me. I don’t need infatuation because it generates gossips that will make me end up hearing a lot of things once again.

The social media keeps on making a fuss and it has a lot of people concerned already. I know they understand what I experienced and is going to experience including what will I be experiencing. I can say they already thought of their children on how they are going to live a peaceful life. I had a lot of drinking because of social media. I’m not saying they are bad people. I’m just saying I wasted my time and I also wasted their time.

My situation now is that I blew it just like what I’m watching now on tv. He admits that he made a wrong move and that’s the reason he ended up having a forced life. I’m very lucky because my family is not forcing me on that kind of level that I’m in denial of doing something and yet I’m still being forced to work.

I was able to make press and play out of an application from appstore. I’m not going to do anything with it anymore. I’m a musician. A musician is a person who does music. A DJ is a person who makes/plays music in a club with his music rig. A guitarist makes/plays music with a guitar. A DJ and a guitarist are both musicians.

What’s wrong?

EDM is in heat. Go EDM. I can’t afford the rig/equipment for it.

There are people who study music and even know how to play a lot pf instruments.

What’s wrong? For what it’s worth I cannot play “Press and Play” on a launchpad because I don’t own one other than the application from appstore. What? I’ll play with DPM in front of people with my phone? Having blank spaces before playing the next song? DJ’s eliminate dead air. I tried to estimate the cost for equipment of DJ’s and it’s too expensive.

Song writer or even Singer they’re still musicians.

Where is the busy woman? I haven’t seen the busy woman it has been two days already. Too busy.

I just ate again. There’s still no busy woman. Always busy.

Right now I’m looking for the busy woman. Currently busy.

I forgot that it’s just about morning with the busy woman. Still busy.

When the busy woman wakes up. Everything busy.

If the busy woman is taking a bath. I’m busy.

Just in case I will be in a conversation with the busy woman. She’s busy.

When somebody calls the busy woman’s phone. Instant busy.

There is a client call recieved and doing paperworks. Simultaneously busy.

I am talking to the busy woman and the busy woman is typing and on a call all at the same time. Maximum busy.

If the busy woman is angry. Get busy.

A whole day that the busy woman doesn’t hold the phone. Sometimes busy.

The busy woman is on the phone without business. Sombody’s busy.

This post was flagged by the community and is temporarily hidden.

What a stupid day this was. I had a lot of stress yesterday then once again. Again from Jollibee I don’t know why it keeps on happening. I was given a glass of water with three pieces of something eraser stuff (rubber) it looks like that I was distracted by children talking about something that has to do with what I do. What they were talking about was instances with their lives that have some kind of similiarity with what I did. They were intentionally done. I did my best to make them quiet pointing out about the music distributor that I registered for. I was really in a lot of stress already then I noticed the foreign object inside the glass of water I was drinking. I was talking a lot whenever they say something and I’m trying to defend myself. That thing happens. Whenever I go near, people talk. After eating we went down and I was really irritated. I was again in a lot of stress. I can handle it it has been going on for years already it’s nothing I won’t be able to come over with. After some time we went to the bank again and I decided to go back because it will be just done to me over and over. I asked for the manager. I was looking for the person who handed me that glass of water. I dealt with it with how I handle incidents inside the rehab. I know it will not happen to me or my mother again because I talked to the person in a respectable manner. The problem was what I’m saying is being denied by the person itself. Everyday when I was inside the rehab that thing happens. I’m always being lied up front. I did not waste anymore time and I came up with the resulotion of giving her what should be done and also tell her I am going to do my part also because I didn’t check for what was being given to me. It means my identity now is hated by employed people. I do not know what is the reason behind it. As we continued to go to the market there were two gay people who kept on saying something about being incomplete. What I understood was the reason for me to commit something I will regret is being intentionally made. I’m a kid? How is that when the mature thing to do is to confront and discuss solutions to a problem. People are expecting me to extort Jollibee? In the past I could but now? that’s not going to happen. I will just generate more problems if I do that because people will do more bad things to me. I admit that I lacked the responsibility of checking for what I recieved. I’m always being played. I’ll just let it happen. God knows what I’m doing. I did not win anything. They keep on thinking I won that’s why they do that to me. By this time the owner has already have me known. If I won anything I could’ve recieved any donations. What keeps on happening is an ill action of trapping into making a mistake. She keeps on denying it then what am I going to do? Waste time on someone who will not admit her mistake? That will never happen. I immediately came up with the resolution. All of these people who are saying I’m going to be fetched or I’m going to be met by popular people are all but rumors. They are not true. I myself do not believe in what they say or even do. Along the way home someone pulled out a phone and somehow it went to my face’s direction. I provoked him. I was waiting for a flinch and I’ll throw him out of the jeepney at that time. God helped me not commit a mistake because he put his phone inside his pouch bag after some time I kept on staring and waiting for what is he going to do.

I keep on being tried for I do not know why.

I’m doing something that breaks others? They are the ones doing those. Me and my mother are living a very peaceful life. I’m only doing music. What’s the problem? Why does it seem that people know my whereabouts? She was talked to by the manager. I’m looking for honesty but there it was again. The outwitting of others. I do not outwit others. I help others because if I do not do that I will end up sad and dead. I will never trample over others. I’m very sad now because I thought Jollibee is a friendly place. Besides the crystal meth that I know it won’t happen repetitively or even again because I retaliate by trying to fix my health.

This thing happened again on another type.

I do not really know if how does this woman know me. I used my mind rationally. What decision I made disregarded all types of sneaking out. Still I have the benefit of the doubt that it will happen again. However, I know I learned. I really cannot trust anyone. I know I’m being lied to upfront. It broke me but I stood up and done things how I handle the house of change.

Look, whoever it is. I will not be happy to see any of them because I am after money. I want to survive. The presence of these famous people does not amount to anything for me. The money in my savings account will not increase because of their presence. I will never go to Cristine Reyes even though I was with someone she knew. There’s no reason.

This truth is I’m not corting anyone. They can all stop. I’m just trying to earn money that’s it. If I go to them would it make all these mischief stop? I don’t think so. It will even make it far more worse.

The next time it happens I will complain up front if that’s what they plan on me to do. I’ll give them what they want me to do. I’ll even make a video of it and send it to them. I bought a shirt from them. It costs ₱455.00 at first it was declared as ₱250.00. I’m not going to talk about that and relate that to another stupid situation. Why not just give me money already instead of doing all of those? I know people watched my live over at sessions live. They have to do stupid things to me to funnel money from their earnings? I’ll do that next time it happens. I just sorted it out because I was being distracted by kids and I was eating and then I didn’t know I was drinking contaminated water not until I was almost done drinking.

I want to rehearse but I’m not in the right state to do that.

Don’t worry because I will stay fat no matter what.

I’m not pretending with anything. Who do they think I am? I’m Einar a supposed cook from LPU-CAV. I know a lot of things. I can do a lot of things too. What is it? I hate people thinking I’m the president. What president? I’m practically a house boy now.

I’m looking for places to play music not trashtalk and recieve mischief over and over. I don’t really make fun out of others that will break them. Oh I have with a lighter in the past because my dead friend asked me to do that to the lighter and ask him to use it. I always ask for forgiveness immediately.

I don’t think I can proceed with the job thing because of these recent things that happened. I’m not yet in the job and I’m experiencing a whole ton of stress. What a stupid life I have. I’m not doing anything to anyone and yet this happens.

What a life.

A lot of shouting happened today again.

It’s getting pretty intense. Maybe the next time is another. I have to eat a lot and relieve my stress so I can tolerate more trying.

What happened earlier is not ₱50,000.00. If it did I will experience a whole lot more mischief.

The next time I go there I’ll shout that I’m an undercover agent when I hear people trying to piss me off in front of them. I just don’t do that to young people but if they are old like the one in front of the store I will come in front of them and confront.


Nobody can frame me up because I will never do anything that will put me intro trouble.

Do you know who’s rich and famous for me? The people who’s unknown. Most of the time they use false people in their place. The other side of what is commonly seen. They are the ones who’s truly rich and famous even powerful. I will never get tired of deflecting what I’m being done with. If they won me over is doesn’t matter because I’ll just not mind them. People nowadays think their social media accounts which represents their friends are essential to their lives. I don’t see anything that way now that I’ve learned. It’s a reason for mischief. I’m never going to use social media even if I’ll be forced to. I’ll just have my own way. I grew up on the early age of cellular phones. I spend money to call because it’s truly important to do that.