Just here to vent somewhere because I don’t know where else.
The summary: I’m on day 11 after more than a year of daily drinking as a “functional” alcoholic. I’ve been calling in sick and working from home because I’m feeling too overwhelmed, moody, listless. I wouldn’t explain this to most people in my life (especially not my coworkers, and so far not my family) because, to them, there’s been no problem. I feel like a train wreck without drinking every night. I guess I’m tired of privately sweeping my problem up and taking care of it mostly alone. My mother is a long time recovered alcoholic but I’m even too … shy I guess? … to admit it to her at this early stage. I’m stuck in a limbo and I feel like I’m spinning around. I have loads of willpower to do this but I feel like I’m going between chewing on the walls of my apartment and sleeping.
I highly recommend not doing this alone. Go to an AA meeting. Talk to someone, anyone. You’re white knuckling it and it shouldn’t be this difficult. Relying on will power alone will make for a miserable existence instead of truly living in sobriety.
Thanks for the advice, all. I’m actually thinking about going to a support group offered through my insurance (Kaiser). Hopefully that will help. I have an appointment tomorrow to talk things over with my psychiatrist and get connected. As far as AA specifically I’m reluctant to go there. I grew up in a house where we were constantly going to AA meetings. It’s part of a confusing, murky picture of my childhood for me. I need to find a group for sure, but I just can’t picture myself going to AA (but I wouldn’t write it off forever either). I’m definitely not judging anyone who found support there, I mean, my mother and step father turned their lives around there.
I’m here to break the ice, really. You are the first recovered alcoholics I’ve admitted this to. I’m not going away. Anyone I’ve told doesn’t seem to struggle like I do. I told my SO, who is supportive in her own way. I also told a couple friends who have been supportive but don’t really know what to expect or say because they didn’t really see into my problem.