My journey of a thousand relapses

This is yet another first day into me trying to quit my addiction. Every time I have hope that this will be the time it sticks and after a few days I am back to my old habits. It’s a cycle: I feel horrible about what I did, decide I will do better and then I decide to quit. I reset, and so I begin my first day, enthusiastically I go over what I will do to prevent myself from getting back into that hole again. I stay on that path and make promises to myself and everyone else that this is the last time. I believe it actually. Then I get comfortable and forget why I started. Like why I really started. That horrible depressed feeling. The withdrawals have started kicking in. So I give in like a joke, one trigger and down I go. Back to the gutter that I seem destined to remain. And I have convinced myself that it’s not as bad. That I can quit if I want to, after all I did before. And then suddenly I look myself in the mirror and I can’t recognize that woman anymore. How did she get here? But I decide to stay in this rut for a while it’s more familiar to me. I am too depressed to quit because depression happens to be one of my triggers. But then one day I refuse to remain defeated and decide to quit. So we are back again, to where it all began.

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I was once exactly where you are…reset after reset and feeling like I would never be sober. Tomorrow I will have 400 days. Keep trying, don’t give up, do the work. It isn’t easy but it is simple. Let today be the day you do it for good. :heart::heart::heart:

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A reason community with other addicts is so important is because it’s harder to forget how bad it once was. The disease of addiction wants us to be depressed with a low self esteem so we keep using our DOC and it can kill us.

If I have no one else to talk to I just come on here and read some of my posts. I get reminded real damn quick of how bad I was. How I was killing myself, how strong my disease is. Right now it’s a sleeping giant and if I wake it, I’m pretty sure it’ll finish the job next time.

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Thanks, I hope to reach 400 days like you some day. :grinning:

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I understand the need for community but I find it so hard to talk about my particular type of addiction. Not only is it embarrassing but medically it is not recognized yet. I can’t find active communities around me that can help me in coping with this disease. I know it would go a long way if I could find someone who knows what I am going through.

Blimey Para… we could be twins… I’m in exactly the same position.

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Sounds so much like my story. Pick yourself up, believe that you can do it, and find help. Since the tactics you’ve tried before didn’t work, what’s something new you can try this time?

I wonder why you keep playing Ring around the Rosy, Over and Over again! You stop long enough to run around the ring a few times. Then POOF… You Fall Down!!!
So… What to do
What to do
Your a chronic relapser right? Do you want it? Do you really really really want it? You can’t do it by yourself! You can’t be alone! You have to hang out with people who don’t drink! You have to hit meetings when you stop drinking! You can’t be alone! You have to hit meetings! I can’t say it over and over and over again! If you’re trying not to drink alone you’re going to fail every single time! You have to hang with someone who is not a drinker! Quit trying to do it by yourself

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Have you thought about trying a SMART online meeting? All kinds of addictions there, even codependency. It’s a great resource!

We all started on the ritual of stopping then starting again I reset countless times never give up and then it will happen

I know the feeling that you describe all to well. I am currently 2 months and 23 days sober! I had a year and a half before that and prior to both of these longer term sobriety’s I would relapse almost religiously after days weeks or months because I thought I could do it alone. When I did go to meetings before these last two longer stints I found myself depressed because I kept telling myself that I was so bad. I was the only person who did this because my depression kept telling me those things and I believed it. Now with keeping a constant contact with my Higher Power and the help of meetings and this community I feel better than ever inside. I have made the choice that I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore and the number one person is me. If I let the situation I am currently in go to my head I would start lying to myself again and start thinking I will never be good enough to stop drinking or any “normal” person would drink. This would definitely be the end of me and my ability to be the best father I could be. For me it all started with letting go of my resentments towards others and complete honesty with myself and them. If a person does wrong to me now which is part of why I am still not living at home. I don’t hold it against them. I pray or meditate to find the answer of what is my part and how can I change. If I can’t change myself I know I can’t ever change another person’s behavior, thoughts or actions towards me. If I am always honest and know the truth about a situation, place or thing I then know what I can do to either change it or me. The answer which another gave lies within your ability to remember one day at a time. Sometimes just one hour at a time. And the days start and keep adding up. People will notice the change if you can let go of the past because it happened and you can only control what’s in front of you at this moment. Good luck and my prays are with you!

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@Para,

We’re only as sick as our secrets. Secrecy and shame work together to fuel my desire to continue to act out. So no more secrets for me. I’m addicted to lust, porn masturbation, strip joints, phone sex, using escorts, massage parlors, street prostitutes, taking indecent liberties, and voyeurism.

What is your addiction? You’re among friends. And don’t be afraid of being discovered. No one is going to figure out who you are unless you give yourself away.

And yes. I’ve relapsed countless times in my life as well. Currently I have 97 days sobriety from all of my bottom line behaviors including P and MB.

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Heyy para

Good thred

Look up the 12 stepts to aa
You can use them with any addition
Step 1 is my fav and youve already done it by viseting talking sober and venting

Step 1 is about not winning or battleing our addictions but surrendering to them

Im also a chronic relapser but ive been sober from pot and alcohol seince 12am march 7th which is totaly a merical

Ive reset the clock a lot but ive learned that i have to keep it in the moment and to simply not pick up in the moment.

Thank your for shereing

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That’s my man!

Honesty is what keeps us clean @Para.

My addiction is cannabis, binching on Alc.
And I found out recently my ex could be described as an addiction to.
She/we are destructive but the best I ever had… So I keep dragging myself in that pattern of destruction.

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Hi maybe give NA a try to since it’s also for drugs
I am really happy there.

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Well, I have Maladaptive Daydreaming. It’s different from just fantasizing a lot. I do it for hours without necessarily doing anything else. I can go without eating, showering or sleeping while I’m just fantasizing. I make up this very elaborate world with storylines that could win an Oscar. I get so immersed that I can even act them out. It’s usually accompanied by some repetitive movement like pacing. It is usually associated with OCD and ADHD. If you’ve watched The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, it would make more sense.

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Maybe sharing my problem with others could be the thing that might just do the trick.

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Sounds hard to control. :disappointed_relieved: Are you meeting some therapist or other specialist? Meetings helped me a lot to improve my understanding of many things.

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The culture of therapy where I live is to associate such things with ‘Devil Worship’ especially when it’s a disorder like mine that is not medically recognized.

Well I’m sure you need some special help. I’d like to help you more but I 'm simply not qualified for such adivces. I can only reccomend trying to find specialist. Maybe some online meetings?