My journey to today

TW: Suicide, Abusive family, Drugs

Hello, my name is Gabriel,
I come from a diverse family of Texans on my moms side and Irish, French, and Russian on my dads (I’m a mutt I know)

I was born in 03 and my parents divorced in 08 and I never was told why, I was severely neglected and lacked self worth, I felt like I wouldn’t make it to 18 or out of school because I was always surviving, from my moms abusive step dad and my dad arguing with my biological mom 24/7 and caught in the crossfire, I developed some very bad methods to keep myself safe, self shaming, disassociating, shelling etc.

Later in 2016, I had my first recorded mania and was admitted into the hospital for treatment, my mom told me it was because “I didn’t believe in god enough” and that it’s because I’m a sinner. It got so bad between everything with family school and working (since I was 13 to escape bad family dynamics) I had my first attempt with a OD and survived, I started going with my pastor to concerts (Memphis May fire, post Malone, beartooth) and got into Rock music and automotive work . I’m still in contact with him to this day and I could not be the same without him.

Then in 2018 I suffered from another extreme mania and went off on my Mother for overspiritualizing my mental health and well-being and became extremely isolated to a point I would just stay in my room when I was home. I had one friend who I also wouldn’t be here if weren’t for him, he’s kept me alive more times I can count.

Now we’re in 2020, February 9th, COVID hits and I’m dead broke, stuck in a toxic household, and having a mania I didn’t sleep from the 10th-14th of February. Finally at 2:35AM,February 14th, I finally had enough, I was sick of feeling outside my body, fed up with feeling worthless and a disgrace to the family for being different, and tried to OD again.

I remember my window being open, sunlight coming through, mocking birds chirping and singing, I thought I died, I was so happy, that release of all my shackles and weight I carried gone. Then I threw up and realized I had lived. Realizing this I cried, I was so happy to be gone and realizing I wasn’t broke me, what reason did I have to be alive ? What story do I have that is supposedly not finished ? Is this a eternal torment of a past life ?

I finally decided to get help, in March of 2020, I went to the doctors to be prescribed medication and went to a therapist to help build foundations of a happier life. I was diagnosed with cyclonic Bipolar disorder and CPTSD and knowing this I started to become a advocate in my local area for mental health awareness and resources. I became the person I needed as a kid and teenager for people around me, I joined as a volunteer for Red Cross and FEMA help with families cope and rebuild. I also work with the same pastor that saved me at his church .

I still have my off days and I do not know why I’m still here, I’m still questioning my existence to this day and figuring myself out trying to figure out what to do with my life, I never expected to be alive to this point in life and accepting I have is still hard to do.

My anniversary is coming up on the 14th and I’m proud to have went almost 2 years since my last attempt .

So I’ll leave you, Dear reader, with this:
We are all Human beings, not Human Doings. Reserve your right to feel uncomfortable, and be afraid to make mistakes. we all struggle at certain times to a point we’re in rock bottoms basement, but always remember rock bottom doesn’t hit back !

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First of all, let me say I’m so happy you’re here with us today! Your higher power has a purpose for you.
You might not know now, but you will know when you get there.
You have helped so many others, even while you were dying inside.
Suicide has never been my gig, alcoholism is.
Suicide over time is no different.

Please stick around, these people are life savers!

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Omg Gabriel… I started to cry reading ur upbringing and the challenges u faced. You are incredible with words and I felt like I could literally feel the pain that u must’ve felt. And then the whole world just opened up and u survived and now u are helping others! It is absolutely awful that u had to experience what u did but maybe the purpose lies in being able to help those that are going thru something similar. To let them know that they aren’t alone and that they can survive their struggles and come out of it stronger than ever. So glad ur here with us! I am SO proud of your upcoming 2 years!! :smiley:

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