About a month ago me and my husband got arrested. We have 3 kids but only 2 of them were staying with us since we were living with my sister. My oldest stays with my mom. I worked nights at the time so we were always up pretty late. It was like 4 in the morning and we decided to go get some breakfast. The kids were sleeping from a full day at the park for my oldest son birthday, plus we went to the fair for a few hours after. I told my sister we were leaving but that the kids were asleep. While were at the gas station at some point my 3 year old woke up and went out the front door. My sister lives in housing so they won’t let us put child locks on the door (It’s a fire hazard). Next thing I know my sister is calling me saying the cops are there cause he got out. I get home and they were in my room going through everything and of course they found our weed and pills (pain pills). They took us both to jail and called DCS. The kids are now with my husbands dad and we are almost a month clean off of the pills. My husband has done really good not smoking pot, but I am struggling on that. Every time I think of not having my kids I get so upset and it seems the only thing that will calm my nerves is smoking. I hate it because I feel better after I smoke, but then I beat myself up over it cause I feel bad. I’m just looking for other ways to cope with the hurt if not having them. I don’t want to smoke I just can’t ever stop crying unless I do. And advice is much appreciated! Thank you for reading!
Oh honey, that’s a tough place to be in. I could literally feel your pain and despair in your words. Think about it though. That weed will show up on any test they give you. Seeing as that is part of what led you to lose your kids by continuing to use it you are preventing yourself from getting them back. We addicts are great at sabotaging ourselves unfortunately. Can you think of anything else you can do? Have you tried going to an NA meeting? There you can freely release your feelings and share your thoughts. You might even find others who went through that that can share their experience and tell you what helped them. Try going for walks. Find something that helps your release that negative energy besides smoking. I know it’s hard. Wishing you well.
I have taken 3 drug tests with it in my system and it hasn’t showed up, I think that’s why it’s so easy for me to give in. I start rehab on the 25th and I’m working on moving away from my sisters because she smokes and I think that’s why it’s so tempting, because I can smell it. I haven’t tried NA meetings yet because I work 40 hours a week and it’s just so hard to find the time with working and doing parenting classes and rehab coming up. They haven’t asked me to do any of that yet but I figured I would go ahead and start it because I’m sure they will. I never in a million years thought I would have to live without my kids. They were always with me 24/7. The only reason I even got on the pills was because my doctor prescribed them to me for my whole pregnancy and by the time I have birth I was dependant on them. It’s just so hard because even though they are with family I have only seen them 2 times in a month and every day that passes without seeing them just gets harder and harder. All I think about is how I can’t hear their laugh or see their smiles or even hold them when they cry, and that’s what makes it so hard not to smoke. Then I always give in to smoking because I can’t deal with that pain of wondering if they feel I have abandoned them. I have tried leaving and walking around and only coming home when it’s time for bed. Not being there all day helps but them I’m so exhausted from walking the town all day. I’m trying to find a hobby but since all I used to care about was getting pills I really don’t know what I’m good at. I know if I could just get a visit with them it would help but it’s so hard to even get that.
Tough situation. But what better motivation do you need to get clean ?
From what I read, smoking dope isn’t easing your pain, it basically caused it.
If you can’t stop crying, then just keep on crying - without numbing it. It’s there, allow it to be there.
Try going to meetings, it may help you.
It sounds like you have plans on moving forward and that is awesome. Rehab will help a lot. So will removing yourself from temptation. If you pay attention and put in the work things will get easier. Can you call the kids? Are they old enough? Perhaps video calls? I know it’s hard being away from them but it’s time to focus on you and your recovery. Doing so will allow you to have a much better life with your children moving forward.
He won’t let us video call until DCS says it’s ok but I tried to ask them if we could and they told us it was up to our provider, so I asked the provider and they said it was up to DCS. It’s like they just don’t want us to or something. What bothers me the most is that, I know what I was doing was wrong. I was addicted to pain pills but it wasn’t to the point that I was doing 10 to 20 a day, we were doing like 3 a day. But they act like I was on meth or something. I was only in jail for 4 days and by time I got out I already was done with the withdrawals from it. I haven’t even thought about doing a pill, the only thing I’m struggling with is the weed. My youngests birthday is next month and were not aloud to buy him gifts for it, we aren’t aloud to take pictures or videos at the visits, and it’s like I get that I was on drugs and it was wrong but it wasn’t like I was so bad that the kids were suffering. They were always fed and always had everything they needed, I was always there when they needed me and I hate that they act like I was so horrible when I really wasn’t. I’m glad that it happened because I know that it will be better when they come home since we will be clean and be able to provide a better life for them, but I don’t think it’s right that they make it so hard to get a visit or a video call. I feel like when they make it this hard that’s what make an addict want to relapse. Every time we have got a visit I feel better and then I can go days without wanting to smoke, but then the longer I go with out seeing them the harder it is to not want to do something to make the pain better. If I could get video calls I know it would be so much easier.
Your in a bit of a bind here
You said part of the reason you lost your children was due to marijuana use, but the only thing that calms you is marijuana use, so essentially the same thing that put you in this bind you use as a coping mechanism? Do you not see the problem here. It’s the same as a drunk driver killing someone in an accident then heading to the bar to cope with the idea that this happened.
As far as how much you used in the past and weaned down off of, is going to be moot in court, 100 pills a day or 1 pill a day, you will be treated the same. A person who is addicted to illegal drugs.
What you need is a change, and this should be a wake up call right now, that you need to do a complete 180 to overcome this. Attempting to rationalize use based on anxiety or weaning won’t work. You need to show results,
I do see the problem here, that’s why I made the post. If I didn’t see the problem then I wouldn’t have said I feel bad every time I give in. I’m looking for advice on how I can overcome the urge to want to smoke because I know it’s a problem. When I first got out of jail I never had the urge to smoke because I was staying in hotels so I didn’t have to be around it, but I ran out of money and had to go back to my sisters. When your a recovering addict and your around people who are using the drug you are trying to get off of it is always a temptation, that’s why I’m trying to get away from that. I obviously see that it is a problem, but when your going through the pain of losing your kids and being around the same people it is hard. That’s what this whole post is about, trying to find a way to cope with the urges when your around the drug and don’t have a way to get away from it.
Is there a separate room at ur sisters that u can kind of get away from it? I know weed smells but I’m trying to think of what can be done to ease the temptation. There is also online meetings available. I sometimes go on the Intherooms app which is a whole lot of various meetings at many diff times of the day. It’s easier to get to then in person meetings. If there is a spot in ur sisters place, maybe hiding out in that room and attending a mtg would help. I do agree that it’s alot harder to stay clean when ur around it constantly 
Its going to be tough but protective services will obviously want to see that ur clean and sober and seeking help. They usually do anyway. I used to take a pen and paper and write down all my reasons for quitting… and be very real with that list. When that urge popped up I had to do something differently than what I was used to. I would read my list, look at photos of people that needed me to be clean and sober, I would use distraction like exercise, clean, or walks in nature, I would attend an online mtg, pray to my HP, anything to stay clean. I have read that u have tried to go for looonnng walks to get out of ur sisters while she uses. Its unfortunate that she isn’t more supportive of what is happening and ur need to quit also
“How To Stop Smoking Weed – Cleveland Clinic” https://health.clevelandclinic.org/how-to-quit-smoking-weed/amp/
Maybe something like this will help. 
Yes there is a separate room, it’s my room. But the thing that makes it so hard is she knows what we are going through and she’s always asking us if we can find weed for her or if she has it she’s always asking if we won’t to smoke no matter how many times we tell her we can’t, shit she has even asked us to find pills for her. Like how are you gonna ask me that when you know everything were going through. It’s like all she ever talks about is drugs, and she has a kid too. I just wish she was more supportive, like if roles were reversed I would even smoke around her, I wouldn’t ask her and I wouldn’t talk about it around her. It’s hard to stay in my room all day because all of my kids stuff is in there and it hurts just looking at it. It’s like every where I look in that house I just see my kids and all the memories we have had there with them. I’m working on getting out of their but the place were moving to, the landlord is on quarantine in Mexico right now so we have to wait for him to get back. It seems like there is just no support from my family. My mom is prescribed pain pills so I don’t go over there, and both of my sister smoke weed so I can’t even escape one sister and go to the other. I didn’t know they had online meetings though so thank you for that! I’m gonna join some of those for sure!
Thank you!!!
Oh girl that’s soo tough. I definitely feel that sense of being stuck with ur situation. Do u have to wait long for that landlord to return? Once u get into ur own place and u have that control over ur environment, I know that will help to ease that temptation. Stay focused on ur kids and doing what u need so that ur an even healthier mom for ur kids. It hurts and I totally get that it’s hard to be in that room seeing their toys and belongings but use that as motivation to stay clean.
The Intherooms app is easy to use. It’s free obviously and u have the choice to share or not. It’s with people from all over. It’s pretty good! U do have to make a profile but u don’t have to use ur image on there. It can be any image u choose. They have many from AA to NA to all kinds of mtgs
Also going out for a walk around helps…! 
He said it’s 14 days but he didn’t say how many days he has left, we’re hoping he will just let us pay the maintenance guy so we can get out ASAP. It is very very hard seeing all of my kids stuff. This is the hardest thing I have ever been through, but I know it will only make things better for when they come back! I’m trying to stay positive but it’s so hard when I got to bed crying every night and I wake up crying everyday and my family knows that but none of them are being as supportive as they could. Like you don’t ask a removing addict to find you drugs, you just don’t do that. I do this care about the pills anymore because I don’t see them and you can’t smell them but when people are smoking that is the hardest thing because you can smell it. I would never in a million years asking a recovering addict to find me drugs and I don’t see how my sisters don’t see that that is not right. Our boss is way more supportive then my own family and that is really sad.
I absolutely agree!!! I would never ever do the same. I could never bring myself to ask a recovering addict to get me anything. But that shows how ill ur sister is and how deep in her own addiction she is. It’s not an excuse mind you for what she’s asking of u, but it really opens ur eyes to how deep her own addiction is and how its playing in her life. I’m not trying to be mean (please don’t take offense), it’s just that addicts are very unwell people. Addiction is also a very self-centered disease. Unfortunately we have no control over others. U can set boundaries with her (for example, I am a recovering addict and I dont want to go out an get drugs for u) but I’m not sure if that would cause issues since ur staying in her place. I wouldn’t want u getting kicked out (idk if she is the type to do that). But im praying that u can get out of there and really be able to have that time to focus on u 
Hi there, sorry to hear that you’re struggling. Have you tried NA?
She is definitely the type that would take offense to that. She is a very angry person and I can’t stand the way that she is with her own child. Her daughter is the sweetest and she is so mean to her, I’m assuming because of her addiction and that is what hurts the most is knowing I don’t have my kids and here she is yelling at her daughter just for talking. And I know your not being mean 
you have actually been very helpful! It just hurts knowing I would do anything to have my babies with me and having to sit there and see her treat her daughter like shit. Her daughter was showing her something the other day and she was telling her what color it was and my sister just started yelling at her and was like omg I know it’s blue I already know my colors just shut up, and hard not to think like dam I lost my kids when even tho I was an addict I was still a good mom and she still gets to have her kid while treating her like that?! I just want to take her daughter as my own because she doesn’t deserve that! It’s hard knowing I don’t have my kids and she does when she treats her that way. She yells at her daughter so much that her daughter just walks around screaming all day because she thinks that’s what she’s supposed to do because that’s what her mom does all the time. It’s hard to watch her be so mean to her kid and just push her kid away when I would give anything to have that time with my kids
That is truly awful honestly. That would be very hard to watch. Just take this one day at a time. Focus on u and ur recovery and focus on getting out of there and into ur own place. Try downloading that app if u think that would help and just plug away at recovery one day at a time u can do this and u can get ur kids back! We make bad decisions sometimes in life but that doesn’t make us bad people. Stay focused on recovery and show protective services that u have changed
Thank you so much for all of your kind and helpful words! I have already started making a list of the pros of being clean, I decided to ride with my husband to a side job today to get away from the smoking, and I’m gonna download the app! I’m also gonna write a letter to my husbands dad and thank him for changing his whole life around to take the kids for us so they didn’t end up in the system! I’m hoping some of that will help with everything!