Today is December 11, and I can come up with every excuse as to why I should wait until January 2 to get sober for my “resolution”, but in all actuality, I need to begin today.
Another $15 spent, another unintentional entire bottle of wine to myself, another sleepless night, another super early morning of anxiety and headache, slight nausea and severely painful dry eye and sore jaw from sleeping with my eyes open and grinding my teeth. Another work day I will be exhausted and hearing ringing in my ears, totally incapable of keeping focus, another day of feeling like I wish I hadn’t spent my night drinking. another day of my skin looking dehydrated and old, another day of my forehead and laugh line wrinkles being a bit more prominent, another day of chugging water and still not feeling 100%. another day of worrying “what about the holidays?”. another day of questioning if I can/should “just cut down”. another day of the slight panic that I am definitely, and always have been, a severe alcohol abuser on my way to full blown alcoholism. another day of feeling out of control. another day of realizing my “winter chubbiness” would probably not exist if I actually stopped putting thousands of empty calories into my body on a regular basis. another day of realizing my anxiety and depression could potentially not exist anymore if I quit, who knows. I’ve never tried it.
Another day of barely being able to remember what I did last night…it’s fuzzy. Another night of realizing I can potentially fuck up everything that’s good in my life just due to those “fuzzy memory” nights. I can hurt people I really really fucking love.
Another day of being sick of myself.
Another day of my life totally not my own, because of the choices I made yesterday.
Today may be another day, but it is my last one. I am leaving this person behind, after 17 years of this shit. I deserve better than this. I love myself more than this. I want, more than anything, to grow and to be come a better person than this. I want to be the girlfriend Dan deserves, and I want to be the role model my younger self deserved. I want to always be different, to be inspiring in a unique way. I want people who know me to be shocked, but applaud me and my ability to change my life this way. I want the challenge of getting through my first holiday season without alcohol. I want the challenge of saying no. I want the challenge of choosing tea on nights I want to scream or I’m so drained from work. I want to challenge my crutch, my reason for turning to the bottle. I want to stare life dead in the face for the first time.
If you will forgive the cliché, “it’s always darkest before the dawn”.
Hello there, it sounds like you have come to a similar epiphany as many of us (certainly including me) on this bulletin board. My situation was a little different from yours, but my self-disappointment was (I suspect) somewhat similar.
It’s a difficult thing to get away from, alcohol (specifically wine, in my case) really tends to get a strong hold on you. I had quit on and off countless times, only to “fall off the wagon” on more than one occasion.
Right now, I’m about 12 hours away from my first 21 days of sobriety in God knows how long.
Have you spoken to your boyfriend about wanting to get sober? I suspect that he would probably be more than willing to support you in your efforts, and that would certainly be a good thing.
This application and the resulting bulletin board are certainly not a panacea, but in my own case, I find that checking in here quite regularly (pretty much every day, I think) has been quite helpful. Reading the posts by other people, seeing what they have gone through, it makes me think that maybe I can do it too.
And certainly, you can as well.
We’re all here to support and help one another… i’m glad that you’re here.
Those are some grest reasons for this to be a new day, and not another day. I hit my first week sober milestone. Now I’m not celebrating, because I’ve had 7 days sober before. I’ve had 5 years sober before, but that was a long time ago. I’m not lifting my foot off the gas this time. I hope you will gain the same strength and encouragement I have gained, here in this forum, as I have gained these last 7 days. Lots of good folks who understand what “another day” means, and want to help you to never have another one, as they try as well.
I absolutely appreciate your response. I have attempted to go sober several times in the past and failed. I’ve never gone longer than a week, and then I’d do the whole ‘I’ll allow myself one beer or one glass of wine’ and convincing myself I could be in control…it doesn’t work that way for me I have learned. I am usually not a huge fan of forum apps but I decided I wanted this sober attempt to be a successful one and I needed support. I have spoken to my boyfriend, and he is very very happy for me making this choice. Thank you for your kind words!
That my encouragement means a lot to you, means a lot to me. Glad to know that your boyfriend is supportive. That is tremendously valuable. I have a supportive spouse. What I didn’t have before was the support of people who know exactly what and how I am feeling, who understand the challenges, the victories large and small, and the traps and snares that can pull us down. Being here is the “something new” for me. I am determined to be sober me for the rest of my life. I hope it is the same for you.
This forum has really helped me. I’m going on day 12 sober. Never made it this far without alcohol besides my pregnancy. I have less cravings now. When i drive by the liquor store after work, I think of all these people on here with me and I keep driving. I feel like I will not only disappointment myself if I drink but everyone here. It has made a difference than just trying to go cold turkey without telling anyone. I wish you the best of luck
I can certainly relate to that! I would not be pleased with myself if I had to come on here and admit to having had to reset my counter! Bizarrely, not that it’s likely that anyone would be paying attention to what I do, but I still couldn’t help but feel that I would be disappointing people. I would certainly be disappointing myself!
I certainly appreciate the help that I get from this site, and from all of you.
Well said @campfire!! You should save this and refer back to it in the next few days and weeks. It will remind you how much you do NOT want to repeat this cycle. In fact, I think Id like to save and re-read what you wrote to remind myself just where I was 34 days ago! What you wrote was spot-on with my experience.
Glad you are here. Checking in gives you strength - and, soon you can give support to others just starting out. Try a meeting too to meet some local people going through the same thing. That saved me from drinking more than once.
Hello campfire wen I read what you put I felt like I was reading something I could of easily wrote myself. I couldn’t believe it and even how you have made the choice to stop it’s so alike to me it’s uncanny. I’m 44 days sober since my last “another day” n im feeling great and I just know you will do this too. if u need any support use this app we are a gud bunch of people n get ready to grab life by the short N curlys xx
Are you sure I didn’t write that? Because I could have. You aren’t alone. For me, I saw a video clip of Russell Brand reading from his book Recovery. The clip is called Amy Winehouse: Death & Addiction. I woke up and said Nov. 10, 2017 is a good day to start. Would have been so easy to say, wait until after Christmas. We can always find a reason to delay.
I always have this resolve on day one, laying around hung over. By day 10, oh see I can control it, back into the spiral. Just be sure you have some way to hold yourself accountable.
Yes @Nullcorp made a great point! Once you feel better, you start to think you can control your drinking, and your resolve dissolves.
Eight months ago I quit for 30 days and thought I was fine to have some wine with a friend. I told myself I would never go back to the bottle of wine each night. And after a few weeks, I was drinking wine each night. It was just one bottle, like you @campfire , but did it each night. addicted. Couldn’t stop. Finally I went to an alcohol rehab place and registered for a group. The group was helpful for me to stop drinking the first week. (I couldn’t even do the first step in my own. @campfire, you have done great accomplishing this step on your own. )
My resolve is different this time. I now know if I drink i will get back to my same pattern. And that’s what they say about this disease. You have to believe this will happen to you too.
If you want to stay strong here are a few of my thoughts.
checking in with this group daily. Lots of motivation here
you already told your boyfriend, that’s good. It is helpful to tell friends so you are accountable
go to a meeting (scary at first). Do it for the purpose of finding a new friend who is also trying to get sober. You both can benefit from the meetings, but finding someone going through this too is super helpful. That was the biggest thing that helped me. Exchange phone numbers so you can go to different meetings together. Text her when you have an urge to pick up a drink - you can support each other.
Create a new routine! With all of the time you gain from the hours wasted drinking. Time for a new hobby… new gym membership, running club, book club, Netflix shows. Use the hours you spent drinking and fill them with something new that excites you.
What I’m doing differently is this: I bought and read The Naked Mind to change how I view alcohol. I suggest you re read or re listen often. Hard to crave booze when you actively hate it.
She makes a good point about how your subconscious needs to be convinced. It’s true, the last binge for me, I drove to the store like a zombie.
Telling people helps. At least that you’ve quit drinking, but even better that you had a problem.
I’m supposed to be in therapy and have had a hell of a time finding an open therapist but that helps too.
I’m giving you a standing ovation. Thank you for sharing that with us. It so perfectly describes that despair. I know that anxiety, it’s the WORST. It sounds like you have really thought about and you know what you need to do (stop drinking). It’s going to be hard but you’ll be amazed at the change in yourself before your halfway through. Prepare to get your sparkle back!
I can certainly agree with you about that! I also don’t yet know about the whole idea of giving up forever, namely alcohol, that is, although I do suspect that it would be better if I did. I think that I’m like you, in most circumstances, it’s that first drink that sets you on the Road to perdition. I can usually control myself when other people are around, my biggest problem has been always been drinking by myself, when as you say, that first drink does the job, and lots more follow.
Well, I’m into my 22nd day now, and feeling pretty well.
Thanks for posting.
Thank you for your kind words!