Hello,
I am not sure if i deserve help. I admit that i can not control myself. I am ashamed of myself. It has been more than 10 years I am addicted to alcohol and in the recent years i also get addicted to weed. Every day i end up either using weed or alcohol. İ started using alcohol in the high school to feel i am grown. But than thing has started changing . At the beginning i was using it socially. Later i had several relationship issues, i started drinking alone , since i was feeling guilty as who i am i used it to enjoy myself and happy. But at the core i was socially isolated. At the beginning of 30s all my close friends started their family i get more isolated i kept drinking. I choosed my friends as myself. I was not able to socialize , get close, speak my truth and it is still the same. And today I don’t respect my self. I don’t love my self. Do i love someone else? Is it possible? I am afraid of close relationships, i am scared. After drinking, smoking till to the morning i came home alone, i tried to sleep but i can not. I am very frightened of dying like this. I don’t want to be remembered as an alcoholic , miserabble and i don’t want to be remembered as poor of moral ethics. I want this life to be served for something else not for addiction. I want my life back, I want to be proud of myself. I want to heal and I want to be happy, healthy. I dont know how to overcome this. All I can do now is to pray even though i most of the time say i don’t believe in god. I have 2 personality, an addicted, miserable one who keeps telling people she is evolving ,progressing and the other one who breaks the rules, dont respects to people, tells lies. Can it change? Can I ? Do i really deserve love, respect? I am so tired. I want this to end. God , help me.
You do deserve love. You do deserve respect. You do deserve help. And you absolutely can change. I’m on day 4 and what has helped me thorough these last 4…almost 5 days is the testimonies of people on here who have been through so much. Who have, against oh so many odds, fought and prayed and supported each other to lengths I never thought possible.
The fact that you are here, I can assure you of one thing, every single person on this forum already loves you. And we will all try as much as we can to help you on your journey, not only to stay sober, but also to love and feel good about yourself.
I got 10 days today. Hard work. One day at a time. I’m not an expert on any of this stuff and not skilled in giving advice. BUT YOU ARE WORTH IT! We are all worth it. Shame is one of the hardest things to overcome. I don’t know if anyone actually over comes shame. Stick around here there are more experienced people you can listen to on here. Try and believe me that your God, or higher power, loves you with all your character faults. We all have them. We don’t know what “Our “ God is thinking. But I know he loves us and hurts when we hurt. I spend each morning with my God reading devotionals and then I do a gratitude list. I find ten things I’m grateful for every day. I’m always grateful I found this app and forum.
You deserve so much more in life then how u feel right now . It’s really hard to break the cycle of addiction but u really can change this around if u put the work in . I was a hopeless crack and heroin user I tried for years to stop but the only way I could do it was by getting help I had to surrender . Can u get to see a doctor to talk through your options? I also suggest going to aa meetings. Just turn up and listen to other people stories you will realise your not alone and will meet people who will help support you. It’s great your have been praying I’ve got alot of comfort from praying we all need faith. Please keep reading and reaching out on here were all here to help eachother through our recovery x good luck x x
God will help you and so would a meeting ,maybe try one wish you well
Thank you, I will go to a doctor when I am more stable emotionally but my mind keeps playing games with me. Telling me that nobody really cares and can help me , since i am sick i will ruin everything. İ I don’t want to run away anymore. I agree that I am requiring support. İ tried seeing a doctor but i lied to her as well and after for a while i feel discomfort of getting support. My mind manipulates me.
I totally understand how u feel I was always to embarrassed to tell the truth I would lie to everyone including myself. I couldn’t bare to tell anyone I was a drug addict. That’s the illness trying to kill us . I wish I reached out for help but my pride and ego kept me sick . I found when I finally walked into the drug clinic to get help I had to tell the truth I had to finally surrender and get help or I’d die …it felt really good afterwards to know it was gonna be ok I had a chance to get better. If u really want to get better u gonna have to get honest our lies keep us sick x
your responses are inspiring! …on which step u are in the program?
Thankyou. I’ve completed my 12steps programme I work my steps on a daily basis. What about you? X
I’ve got 50 days clean today…if I can do it, anyone can.
Im on step 2 now…and everyday step 10 …but its quite hard…cant wait to reach step 4 
Do u also attend meetings?
I called a friend, asked her to help me. She is on the way, coming to my place. Tomorrow she will arrange the doctor. I am going to learn trusting people , I am going to learn I am not alone. I am going to learn to ask help. I am going to learn to let people help me, I am going to learn to accept love. I am accepting the pain. I am accepting my dark side. I am accepting I am not made only by my mistakes.
One year ago I was in your same position. You have to want it for yourself, not for anyone else. Once you have time under your belt then it will make more sense that you did it for others as well. But you are the most important reason. You can do this. Today I’m celebrating my one year alcohol free and if I can do it so can you.
You deserve all the love and grace to get through this. I so recognise your story and feelings especially. I struggle with this feelings every day. But the fact we do makes that we see inside believe there is more to us… more for us. You get provided with some good advise here. Work it. Trust it and know that love is stronger than electricity. I was checking in because I was about to cave in. You all helped me through
I need to tell ,i need to know i am listened. The easy way to me is writing. I keep writing everyday for a long time . Everyday aftet i wake up i write about my future self. I do it every single day, i take online courses about self improvement. I push myself everyday to show up for myself . I have been in this battle for a lomg time. Some days like today I lose my connection ,my will power and i return back to my childhood coping behaviours. I don’t know still the role of my addictions in my life. I am trying to take all the responsibility of my life. When it comes to addiction I own the responsibility and understand it is also a coping behaviour.
Very well said I was in the exact same boat 510 days ago but with every day being honest to yourself it gets better .I pray you get the strength and support you need… Just stay strong and keep pushing in we all have a purpose here on this earth. You got this
You deserve all of the above and more and soberity will help you achieve your goals,don’t be so hard on yourself,you know what you need to do so now it’s time to put your words into actions,I wish you all the best,keep reading it really does help to identify with others and how your feeling.x
Step 4 and 5 are really freeing I enjoyed putting all my crap down on paper and sharing it with my sponsor it was very painful but in a good way . I go to meetings about 3 per week I used to go every day for the first few months of recovery i do service for my home group and try to help others in recovery. I had a accident last Sunday I’ve broken my wrist and needed surgery I still need another operation to rebuild my wrist again. I’ve really struggled this week with my mental health but working my programme and reaching out to my fellows gets me through. It’s in these bad times I realise how important the 12steps are x
No Im on ankle monitor so technically I’m in jail still