I will start at the very beginning of my life, when I was born I already had a sister, she is 3 years older and a brother, who is 6 years older. My father and mother were and still are happily married, almost 35 years now. I had a pretty good childhood, I was eager to learn new things and I was a curious little boy. I was loved by my family, no doubt about that, my parents raised me in a loving way and I never had a feeling I was missing out on something when I was a child.
I went to elementary school and everything was fine here, like I said i was eager to learn, I made friendships and was playing outside alot after school. During those years as I became older, I became a little bit of a naughty boy, setting little fires in bushes (not someones properties) but still. I succeeded elementary school and went to highschool. I still had some friends who went to the same class but ofcourse also new people I met there.
Here I was, a 12yo boy still, in first class, during this period my father became really sick, he was then hospitalized for 3-4 months and was in Intensive Care 3 times. I almost lost my father but I can remember back then I also was struggling with myself, who I was and what not, call it puberty, so I can’t really recall much from that time besides that it was a hectic period in every life of my family. My dad finally came home on the 5th of May, in the Netherlands that is Liberation Day and it sure was a liberation for all of us.
On a sidenote during this period my brother was already addicted to xtc, cocaine and alcohol. (but I pretty much didn’t feel a strong connection with him, he was living his own life)
When i turned 13yo I was still curious for new things, so I came in touch with my first cigarette, a classmate had some, so I think when I look back, thought it looked tough! I wanted to belong to this group of people. Not much later I was smoking my first joint. I never experienced anything like this, I felt so happy and instantly I knew I wanted to do this more, I didn’t saw or felt any negativity of it back then. So days became years, I finally was done with my highschool, without learning because learning went a little on the background during those years, I was more interested in going out and meeting girls, drinking alcohol and ofcourse smoking cannabis. When I was 15yo I came in touch with my first line of cocaine. I instantly knew it was bad but did it anyways. The powerfull feeling I got… I needed more!
The cocaine abuse went on untill I was 18yo, back when I came in touch with the police and justice system after I was high of my kite, I threathened a guy who was bullying a girl I knew from highschool. During this period of my life I was learning to become a security guard and well you can imagine I coudn’t finish this study anymore because of all this and my dream of joining the military police suddenly was unreachable. I quit doing cocaine but smoking cannabis increased, I also started using xtc, before I only used this during festivals occasionly.
When i was 19yo l lost my dear grandmother, I’ve witnessed her having vascular dementia, also in the same year I lost a friend from my time in elementary school, he committed suicide, to this day no-one found out what happened exactly that evening. It was very difficult for me to deal with these feelings, I felt anger, sadness, I became very frustrated, and all I wanted to do was not feel these feelings. So i started using more and more.
A year later, I somehow picked myself up, started a new education on a new school and that’s where I met this girl, which felt instantly very good to be around and we got into a relationshop. She was there for me when I needed her, I was able to share with her and she looked after me. During this period I quit using xtc but continued using cannabis.
This was perhaps with all this being said the most darkest moments of my life; in one week time I lost my best friend who I knew from kindergarten in a car crash, I developed PTSD, 6 days later my grandfather also passed away who I witnessed suffering from Alzheimer’s dicease. My girlfriend coudn’t handle me anymore, and I coudn’t handle my own life anymore, I lost it completly so eventually she broke up with me. I started smoking so much, went back to cocaine for a while and then it hits me, I NEED help! I can’t do this on my own!
So I went to look for help, I received EMDR to help me with my trauma of losing my best friend. This was very intense but somehow I felt better. I received ambulatory care at this moment, but was attending meetings. This seemed like some progress and sure it was but then bam! I started smoking cannabis again and coudn’t care less about my threatment anymore.
Ofcourse I had to earn money, but I wanted to make money fair, so at this moment I only had one thing left that I enjoyed doing, which was driving and with that thought I became a truck driver. This was a very nice job to do, but it gave me alot of stress because of timepressure and it was very lonely. My drivers licence was then taken after it was clear I had a drugsproblem. I wasn’t able to work anymore, I became very depressed, sitting at home all day, every day. Only doing one thing every day which was scoring. Didn’t feel like doing anything at all. I became suicidal, didn’t wanted to live anymore, I didn’t saw a way out, my parents were going crazy aswell because of me, and so were my brother and sister (my brother became sober when he was around 22yo)
So at this point it’s May 2017, I wanted to become sober aswell and was willing to do anything to reach it… So I called a threatmentcentre, and from there I moved to Portugal for a period of 90 days, I really felt like this was the right thing to do, leave everything and everyone behind and start working on myself, I had 2 skypecalls(15 min each) every week, and I didn’t call anybody but my parents, and we spoken more then in all those years before, I felt like coming back to my senses and for a moment I found myself back again aswell. I completed the threatment and went back home (which now I can say that was a mistake!) At home nothing changed, I was the only one that changed… It didn’t took very long untill I was triggered by others behavior and before I knew I was back where I came from, where I reached rockbottom again after losing my dog after 12 years, this event I coudn’t handle and my way of handling loss was again… smoking cannabis, during this time around €40 every day.
This went on a couple months, and suddenly I found strength to give it another try, because I really wanted to end this abusive toxic behaviour, deep down I knew i was able to do it, I knew I was on this planet for so much more then only this fucked up life!
I called a Christian threatmentcentre in The Netherlands (I have been raised with God, but lost my faith long time!!) I waited 2 months before receiving a call they had a place for me, how crazy it may sound, I was so freaking happy! I came inside as a broken flower on the 7th of June 2018. I finished threatment 3 months later, and now I can honestly say I found peace, I haven’t touched anything for nearly 9 months now!! During this period I have received my driverslicense back, found new people that have become close friends. Right now I am looking forward in life again, having dreams and ambitions, I can enjoy little things in life and I am gratefull of being alive. I started realising all the bad things happened made me a stronger person now, I found God again, which is still a pretty weird feeling…but I receive so much peace.
I coudn’t ever imagine this was able for me as I had given up on hope and dreams, but I am so proud of myself for doing what I’m doing right now, I will start a new education soon; experience expert, I want to help people who are struggling with the same problems I can relate to, be a guide for someone who is feeling the same way as I did in the past.
I wish for everyone who are struggling, alot of faith, hope and love. No matter how far you have sunken, there is allways a way back up!
Thanks for reading! Lots of love!