I thought the hard part was not using anymore. I never thought about why I used. Why I needed to alter myself. Reasons why I used
- to have fun
- to have energy
- to not feel
- to fonction
Why don’t I want to feel. That’s the biggest one. Because I know I’ll do my very best to ignore any negative feeling. I’ll try to forget about it all together.
And thinking about it right now. I think it’s because after my abuse. ( sexually and physically abused at 16) I did everything I could to forget and not feel.
. At that very moment is when I started to ignore how I felt. To see negative feelings as a bad thing. Because they were the aftermath of a bad event. As much as I tried I couldn’t ignore my feelings for ever. Little things would set them off to an unmanageable degree. I wasn’t able to fonction at all. And then I thought I was getting better. But I had just become better at ignoring those feelings. At keeeping them inside.
The first time I got high. I was with someone. Just met him. And it was the first time I was able to talk to someone about what happened. Mostly because my feelings were numb and because the drugs gave me a sense of confidence I didn’t have. I wasn’t worried about being judged. I wasn’t worried about not being believe. At that moment I felt free. Free from myself. & after that. Every time I used I was happy. I couldn’t remember the last time i had been this happy. It was like for sooo long I had this weight keeping me down constantly to this state I had never been or felt before. That when I experienced being happy. Happier than what is normal. It was such a huge extreme I didn’t want to stop. Even though the next day was so bad. I felt like I was dying. My whole body hurt. I would turn on the shower lay in the bath and try to sleep. That’s how much I hurt. But no matter how bad it was. It didn’t stop me.
My health is what stopped me. I did drugs. In one night I got a strep throat infection so bad that when I got to the ER the doctor asked me why I waited so long to consult. ( it had only been 24 hours). My throats was so swollen. I wasn’t able to drink anything. Thanks to the drugs I was already very dehydrated. I stayed there 4 days. Slept all day. All night. I got out. Never took pills again. To this very day.
Not long after. I met my ex. He told me if I ever used again. He would leave me. And I loved him very much. So never even thought of it again. Then after 3 years together. It just wasn’t working anymore. Even though I’m the one who ended the relationship. I was devastated. I felt like he broke my trust. Because I trusted him with everything I had. I was blindly crazy inlove with him. It brought me back to my abuse. It brought me back to when that person broke my trust. Back to when my trust in justice and the police was also broken. I felt broken again. I couldn’t fonction anymore. I was diagnosed with a depression. And i got better. A few months after. I thought I was pregnant and quit the meds. ( I wasn’t ). And I was okay. I felt ok.
I eventually started dating this guy. We dated for about a month. And he seemed head over heels for me. Told me he never felt this way before that it was crazy etc. And then he broke up with me by text. And I didn’t understand. And I got drunk that day. It was like 5pm. & then that night I met this girl. She seemed normal. And we decided to leave that bar and go somewhere else but she needed to go home first because she was buying cocaine. And at that point I was really drunk. And I went to her place with her. I didn’t think I’d do any drugs. Cocaine was a drug I told myself I’d never do. Just because it had the reputation of being an addictive drug ( as stupid as that sounds. They are all addictive ). And then she offered. And I was already drunk. I for some reason i saw nothing wrong with it at the time. And I went hard. I did so much that night. I honestly don’t know how I didn’t overdose.
The next day. I was in so much pain. I debated going to the hospital. I thought I was dying. Then eventually I fell asleep. Woke up feeling terrible. But better. That’s not even when I got addicted to Coke. If I had just done that one time. I would of been okay.
But I continued every now and then doing it for fun. When I went out. And eventually I started buying some and having some on me. Sometimes I’d do it at work. To help me with the last few hours. After that. I started using when something brought me down. Little things like this guy didn’t text back fast enough. So I did a line to feel better. Eventually it was the first thing I did in the morning. It took me awhile to see that was a problem. Probably because I didn’t want to see it. I was often sick. My body hurt. My asthma was bad.
When I realized I had a problem. I had made a profile on POF (dating site) and there’s a section that says. Do you do drugs. And I knew the answer was yes but I wrote no. Why? Because I didn’t want to date someone who did drugs. Then I was like how can you expect that of someone when you’re barely sober anymore. And so that’s when I decided to quit. I still didn’t think I had a problem at that point. I just thought it was easy. You just don’t buy any anymore. I thought it’d be a breeze. The first few days. I felt the physical withdrawals. Jitters stuff like that. I thought after 72 hours. I’d be ok. I think around day 5 is when the cravings kicked in. It was so bad I didn’t know what to do. That’s when I realized I had a problem. I needed to get my fix.
At that point I felt out of options. I considered getting medical help. I knew I didn’t want to keep going down this road. And so I got online. Found an NA meeting and walked 35 minutes to get there. NA probably saved me. I gave me the will to keep fighting. After a few days. I was maybe 6-7 days sober. My friend the same friend. She had a death in her family. She was devastated. I knew you aren’t supposed to stay around people who used. But I still loved her. And so I went over. When I got there. She was smoking cristal meth. If I hadn’t gone to NA. If I hadn’t had that extra boost of willpower. I would have tried it. And who knows where that path would have led me. I’m very grateful to have seeked help before that moment.
This is me trying to make sense of myself. It went from one subject to the other. And I don’t know. I guess I just needed to get it out there. Sorry if it doesn’t make sense. I don’t even know why I’m posting this. I was writing on a journal app. And just I don’t know. Just want to get what’s stuck in my head out of my head if that makes sense.
FYI I am 9 days sober. And there’s been a lot of ups and downs but I’m dedicated to making this work. I want this. I want to get my life back on track. I want to have more money. I want to be better. & im grateful to still be here and have change to do that.
( also I don’t mean to make it sound like it’s that girls fault for introducing me to cocaine. It was my own choice all the way. I am 100% responsible for every choice I made. No one forced me to do drugs)
